by doinmypart 50 Replies latest jw friends
This is just an idea. Maby you both take a vacation. There are some realy good deals out there now on cruises from 399pp 7days, the all inclusive resorts in Jamiaca start around 125pp per night w/air. Try getting away and enjoying yourselves. Getting away being the opperative word.
GoodLuck
You have a pm.
Also,
The advice you've received is excellent. The people on this board continue to impress me.
Work your hardest on becoming the husband you want or need to be for her. She deserves it. There will be times that she is angry with you and nothing you do or say will help that. The anger comes from an inner place that isn't caused by you but by her perceptions of your spirituality. There are wives/husbands that will not seek marriage counseling. The reason? Unless the marriage counselor can convince you to go back to the truth what point is there. That's the only thing wrong that needs fixing in their opinion.
Good luck. Please feel free to pm me any time. I've been through this and I still am going through it.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but wasn't there something in Watchtower about possibilty to seek seperation and divorce if say husband doesn't care 'adequately' for wife's physical and "spiritual" needs? They anticipated situations like that and planed to rather split marriages and families if one party start cooling off rather then let them be together and potentially lose even more members through "bad association"
My case is different, he joined after being married for about 20 years. What you lose is the privacy of marriage. The cult will always come first no matter what. That is hurtful. I find it strange that often advice is to bend to the jw, make acomodations for them etc... When the non jw makes thier own boundries they are seen as evil, intolerant and the like. They are not to be true to themselves. Do we treat the jw as someone who has a mental disease then? Apparently so when one has to make so many accomodations for the jw. When married to a jw you actually only have half a spouse. In time and heart.
Sadly, some who do know my jw including me and his children do sometimes look at him with pity as if he did have a mental deficiency of some sort. That's not to be mean, just the way it is. He at times says things that sound so off the wall to other people they don't know what to make of it. Comments even about the news or pollution, etc... why? because he gets his info from the wt and it is often not correct as you know. And he doesn't even mention being jw or the wt's. Usually those who look confused will ask me later (family) and I can explain how his comment made perfect sense to him, because in jwland...... Others just look at him and continue talking and ignore the comment that made no sense whatsoever. Other times he can be as normal as can be and his old self shines through.
As for the kids? I would never allow my kids near a hall or jw's in general. I see the human wreckage the wt has inflicted upon its people and will fight to the death to keep my kids from suffering as many here have.
She tells me she has allowed herself to drift, so she wants to get herself together and start pioneering again.
This set you off, didn't it? I, too, am familiar with the dread of watching my partner, apparently, digging deeper in to the cult. My first instinct is to claw the eyes out of the savage beast that dares to come between me and my husband. Unfortunately for the cultist, they take these attacks against the Watchtower personally, as against them.
I read something else in that sentence, "allowed herself to drift", a vague dissatisfaction with her lot. The JW life has not lived up to it's promise. Like a good JW, she internalized this, and concluded there was a deficiency in herself. If only she try harder...
You have good advice already. All I would suggest is that you learn to separate your wife's core personality from the cultist. Help her separate, too, by acknowledging her natural self whenever you can. I suspect any burst of zeal, now, will be temporary.
But it wasn't until I said (kindly) "No. Show me proof of 607 withusing the Societys literature."
Sorry. I meant to say withoutthe Societys literature!Should of proof read my comment.
Sincerely,
Lady Liberty
Gill, your testimony was beautiful. What an inspiring thing. What a wonderful husband. What a love you have! Both of you. I am in awe. Jealous, Admiring, wanting lessons!!
Shelly
Gill said:
Doinmypart - I totally sympathise with you. I suggest you make it worth your wife's while to stay with you. There is NO LOVE in the organization. However, you can be love itself. The choice is yours.
I insisted on carrying on going to meetings when my husband refused to go anymore. I used to sit on my own with everyone ignoring me while I struggled with my kids. After the meetings there was no kind ness or love. But my husband! WoW! He would help me get ready for meetings. He'd be there to fetch me. He'd made dinner, cleaned up, was loving. He helped me all the time and was the most wonderful, loving person in the world.
One Sunday, I was sitting in a meeting and it occured to me 'What the hell am I doing here with these idiots when I could be at home with the one I love!'
I never went back again. At that time I still believed it was da troof and I decided I would rather die with this loving, kind man than live forever without him.
Of course, I discovered later that da troof was total BS! But I'm sure you get what I'm trying to tell you.
Don't discuss the bOrg with her. Just be the most wonderful husband in the world
IF there's one thing you can be sure of 'Love never fails!'
If she loves you, as you believe she does, in time, she WILL chose you if you can be patient and loving. It takes time though! Don't give up!
All the best for your futures!!!
Gill
JWdaughter - That's very sweet of you to say so.
What I've been trying to get across to those lurkers, newbies and others here is that it is not impossible to get a loved one to leave the bOrg, but not necessarily at the same time as you.
First you have to know what you want. My husband wanted me and the children. He did not want a divorce, or did he want any religious arguments with a brain dead dub, as I was. He knew to just say what he wanted, me, the kids and NO MEETINGS. He kept proving that he wanted me and the children. He also kept proving that he did not want any religious arguments as he would never even answer to any thing I tried to start.
I, stupid big head that I was, thought that I wanted Jehovah aka WTBTS and he encouraged me to do that. He made me go to meetings rather than stop me. He made me go out in service rather than stop me. He gave me total freedom. With that freedom I discovered what I really wanted. I discovered I only wanted him. That's what giving freedom does. It makes people see things for themselves. It's a much stronger lesson. The WTBTS tries to force obedience and that kind of slavery is oppressive.
So...the end result was I chose love.
What I thought was turning to certain death in the near future when Armageddon arrived, turned into the 'real life.'
I have to point out that this took time. I think for six months I went to meetings without him. Then, a year and a half later I found this and other sites and why. Because the the WTBTS said 'DO NOT LOOK ON THE INTERNET for information about the org. Again, they tried to take away my freedom rather than give it.
Never give up on your partner if you love them. Also, if you can NEVER get into a religious argument with them. Just say, 'if you want to go, of course you must go. Let me help you.'
I was a real brainwashed idiot. It worked on me. I'm sure there are others who can be woken up to the Truth about 'da Troof' but you have to do it gently.
The fact is, people change. Some people get married largely because of shared interests. If one or the other of them loses interest in scuba diving or whatever it is, is that anyone's fault?Dude, it isn't selfish to be true to yourself. You aren't responsible for the expectations of someone else, even someone you love. Yes, it's disappointing for her. That's a shame, but it isn't anyone's fault.
I totally agree with Dave. If you look at the statistics, one out of two marriages end in divorce today. I love what Gill wrote, and I'm glad things turned out well for her and I hope that you and your wife can work through this period also. I ended my twenty year marriage also, as I was exiting the Borg. I had struggled for many years to make things work, and it just wasn't happening. It hurt like hell for both of us, but, we've moved on. Of course, I'm DF'd and he's still in, and remarried. My only regret is that we cannot be good friends, as I had wished. It hurts sometimes thinking of the many years we spent together, and the experiences we had, and we can't even laugh about them today...........until I reenslave myself to a false prophet religion, which will never happen.
Terri
I feel for you doinmypart. I am about to resign as well. Fortunately my wife has signed on to the idea. The fact is that being an elder takes time away from wives. When I resign, I will be writing the Service department with my real reasons and will probably post that letter here as well. Good luck.
