How do I get out of this?

mama1119

I am having a baby here in a couple of weeks, and here is the problem:

I have a friend, we grew up together as close as sisters, and she lives about 6 hours away from me. She has been there through everything with me and I love her dearly. However, the last couple of years, she has really changed, alot. We are in totally different worlds. I am a stay at home mom and wife, and she is a party animal, with unbelievalbe drama that follows her everywhere. The last time she visited, I had a near nervous breakdown.

When I had my daughter 3 years ago, she drove over around my due date and stayed with me for a week, hoping to be there for the birth. I went into labor one day after she left, and she immediately drove back the next weekend to see my daughter. She was very disappointed to miss the birth. Anyway, she wants to come over for this birth. The problem is, last time I was not married yet, and my now husband was still living in Oregon, and I really didn't know his family, I was newly DF, had no friends, and very little family. This time, my husband will be involved, I have grown alot closer to his family, and my own. Thius will really be the first time my husband has experienced the birth of his child, since he was not living here last time, and I want it to be memorable to him. They do not get along very well (my friend and husband). I know I will be totally stressed if she comes over, and I really want it to be a family time for my husband, daghter, new baby and myself, since he has little time off. But she is dead set on coming over. I don't want to severe our friendship over it, as we go back a long way. But she is VERY VERY easily offended/hurt.

How do I get out of her coming over for the birth without hurting her feelings too much??? Any advice???

AlmostAtheist

Would she accept it better if it was hubby's idea? "I'm sorry, but hubby is very adamant on this. He doesn't want anyone else present but him and me." I'm sure if you asked him to be adamant about it, he would be. ;-)

Dave

AudeSapere

Often there is much excitement and assistance for the first week or two and then not much after that.

Could you ask her to postpone her visit until 2 or 3 weeks after the birth. Your husband will be back to work by then and you might actually need some help.

-Aude.

bikerchic

I doubt you can get out of it, you will eventually HAVE to have the baby and she will still want to be involved somehow. A few things you said got my attention:

Thius will really be the first time my husband has experienced the birth of his child, since he was not living here last time, and I want it to be memorable to him. They do not get along very well (my friend and husband). I know I will be totally stressed if she comes over, and I really want it to be a family time for my husband, daghter, new baby and myself, since he has little time off. But she is dead set on coming over. I don't want to severe our friendship over it, as we go back a long way. But she is VERY VERY easily offended/hurt.
How do I get out of her coming over for the birth without hurting her feelings too much??? Any advice???

While it's great to have this friend I think you can see how you are growing apart. I know it's a painful process but it happens to a lot of us as we grow up have families and become more responsible. Not everyone grows at the same rate and from my own experience I can tell you that on down the road when she has a more settled life you'll get together again and it will be better than old times. You've got your priorities straight family first.

I doubt you can avoid hurting her feelings but I'm sure if you are truthful and just let her know you need to have the first month alone with your husband, daughter and new baby to get settled in and you'll call her and let her know when it's a good time to come visit. If you are clear, matter of fact and don't waver and there is no need to be combative or go into "reasons why", she'll have a whole month to get over her hurt feelings. I'm also sure you'll be talking in between keeping her updated on the new baby and all. You sound like a very kind hearted person and I'm sure you'll put it in a kind way so your friendship isn't threatened.

Hey congrats on the baby and happy birthing!

bikerchic

27 y 5 m 19 d

OMG I just looked at your age so young!

Man I was having my fifth baby at your age.........how did I do it?

FlyingHighNow

Honey, your feelings, as well as your husband's feelings, are just as important and valid as your friend's feelings. In this case, they are actually more important. Ask yourself, "How would I want to be told the same thing?" Think of what kind of words would get the point across to you without hurting your feelings unnecessesarily. Be brave and tell her what your birth plan is. Ask her to wait to come until you are recovered and rested and your husband thinks it's time. Tell her that he is very protective of you. You could also tell her that out of town visitors are staying elsewhere and you'd be happy to have someone ask around to find a hotel or place for her to stay when she comes. Let her know that you aren't going to feel up to houseguests, but again, think of how you would want to hear the same news.

Don't feel any guilt over a pushy friend. Regret is healthier. Tell yourself, "I regret that this news will disappoint my friend, but I'm not going to worry excessively over her feelings." Let her know and then stop worrying about your friend. Having a baby is stressful enough.

mama1119

Oh My!! Five children, how did you do it???

Thanks everyone for your good advice!

bikerchic

Oh My!! Five children, how did you do it???

I always wanted a lot of children 12 in fact....almost made it halfway one of a set of twins didn't' make it. I know I just did what needed to be done and with very little help and enjoyed every minute of it. It's only now that I look back or when I see other young Moms I wonder how I ever did it.

Enjoy your little ones the time goes by way too fast.

ESTEE

Has not your friend noticed that your life circumstances have changed now? Now you have a husband, and I gathered from the post that she and your husband do not get along that well? I'm sure you could find a tactful way to tell her to save her visit for a more appropriate time when the two of you could spend some quality time together. Having another baby is "family time" for you and your husband and any existing children. If you are feeling fearful about her visit at this time, honor your feelings. Trust your instinct on this.

Babies know if mom is under stress. I feel sure you would benefit most from having a calm environment with your new husband. It's a very bonding time for you two.

No third wheels.

I'm sending you calm vibes.

ESTEE

purplesofa

Man I was having my fifth baby at your age.........how did I do it?

bikerchic........me too!!!!!! But then when youngest was 5mos I was filing for divorce, before the year was out I was divorced.

mama,

I think bikerchic gave the best advice. I have found over the years as I have grown older and changed, that friendships do too. All my friends are very close to my heart and I will always love them. There is not one friend that I have that would fit into every aspect of my life. It took me a long time to set bounderies and feel comfortable about it. I was miserable until then. Some peoples feelings were hurt and the friendships adjusted but they always remained. Your growing up.

If your friend is not married, she might not understand completely how your life has changed. You have matured faster than her. You might have to use your mothering, nurturing skills with her which might make you feel uncomfortable as you have always been on an equal plane. It will be awkard for both of you.

Tell her you appreciate her for wanting to come but would rather space out your support system and you could enjoy her visit later on, as biker suggested.

What a happy time for you and your family.

purps

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