divorce question

by depressed 47 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  jgnat

  My soon to be ex-husband's father is the presiding overseer of the congregation and his entire family is very spiritual - including my husband's sister and her husband who serve in Gilead.

  From your description, these are not very spiritual people. They are very connected people. They've picked a vocation and have done very well at it. Their lifestyle brings to mind one of my favorite philosophers, Simone Weil. She suggested that most people follow a cause for the life they must lead in order to serve it. I would say this family, like most, have their own selfish reasons for living the way they do.

  http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/authors/s/simone_weil.html

  ... But I really want to know what they said.

  Does it matter? It was slander, that's for sure. Do you really want to hear the painful lies, to bury the knife more deeply in your gut?

  What are the grounds for a "legal" divorce in the organization? Do you know?

  Adultery. You have the grounds.

  A question you haven't asked, is why did your husband demonize you when he clearly knows he's the guilty party? Because that's what guilty people do who don't want to face the consequences. He's not going to fight fair. He's going to fight to keep the golden-boy image with his family.

  Another question you haven't asked, is why did your in-laws close ranks around your ex-husband? Because that's what families do. They are NOT spiritual. They are NOT fair. They choose sides and close ranks. Maybe in ten years or so, an auntie or uncle will come forward and apologize. Because, that too, is what families do. You need to wash yourself of the ENTIRE FAMILY, dear, to get some peace.

  Some favorite bits of advice from this thread:

  cruzanheart: It might help if you get a little counseling for yourself and start to build a new life for yourself. I know you are hurt and bewildered and you have a right to be.

  freedomfrog: No man...NO MAN is worth trying to fight to find answers. You'll heal much quicker if you can move on and forget about him and his family.

  Me: Stop the blog. Block the blog. File it away in a CD in the back of your closet. First of all, you are feeding your ex's lawyer all the ammunition he needs to bury you. Don't bare your soul while in the middle of litigation. Second, as long as you obsess over your injustice, you cannot heal.
• 

  JWdaughter

  Hi, it really doesn't seem to matter to me what is going on with his family or their reasons for financing the divorce. What matters is what goes before the judge and the court. Be very well informed, have your own legal protection and be prepared. Not knowing the divorce statutes in NY, I can't help you there, but the filing papers usually state the grounds or what have you, if they have any. There is discovery, which could be applicable here. Get a lawyer, ask him your questions and find out if ex's family has any control over this situtaion other than financial. ex FIL is king of a circuit in another state, not governor of NY. So your husband is the prince of nothing that matters where you live, and I doubt that the WT org. or JWs really fit into your life or plans for the future. So just let it go. If there are no kids, the worst that happens is you are rid of a cheating jerk who lies to his family. Even if you start with nothing, you are ahead of the game.

  Good luck!
• 

  SPAZnik

  Sorry, I'm not sure I understand the question.
• 

  Mysterious

  What if he told them you were an apostate and were slandering the organization? Then he could claim spiritual danger as grounds for divorce. That's the only other reason I could think of.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  My advice it to do the best you can to come out of the divorce well. That means to prove in court that you are the innocent victim. Your lawyer will help you with that. FORGET THE REST. As mentioned, family will circle around family and guilty people will lie to throw the blame off.

  WHY should you worry about what he said or what his family believes? Do you want to keep a relationship with his family? NO, so move on. Do you want to get this dragged through the congregations just to hurt him? Hurt him in court, let him keep the JW's. The advice to try to contact the CO is okay, but only if you ever want to be considered a good JW, otherwise walk away from that.

  I probably won't take my own advice if it ever comes down to it, wanting the same kind of justice you seek. But does revealing him to his family and cong. help you any? Reveal him to a judge, get a fair settlement, if it still bothers you- ask your lawyer if you can reveal court documents to the elders, abide by the lawyers decision.

  JW's are a mind controlling cult. His family are viewing you as the villian because you left Jehovah. Let them suffer WITH Jehovah WTS.
• 

  SPAZnik

  I'm sorry if you are going through a rough time.
• 

  anewme

  I think your inlaws are furious at you for pulling their son out of the organization.
  You left first, then him. In their minds, you discouraged him and pulled him down. That is probably the picture he is painting of the sequence of events.
  
  Your father in law being the PO knows how the JW system operates. If they can file for divorce and claim that apostacy or spiritual endangerment on your part is the issue, (and not their sons infidelity), then they can keep their son in the org and try to restore him. They hope in time you will find someone else and they can pronounce their son free to remarry.
  
  You should cut your losses now and focus on your divorce and any money and assets you might retain.
  You are now a college graduated professional I assume? You may have alot to lose in a mean divorce.
  
  
  Anewme
• 

  Outaservice

  In the long run, God will get him! As Jesus said, "There is nothingcovered over that will not become uncovered, and secret, that will not become known". (Matt:10:26)

  He will of necessity, still be in the 'trap', and have to live the lie, which becomes very stressful as time goes along. Plus God may put some 'stumbling blocks' in his way that he will have to deal with too.

  Are any of these people that were lied to, anyone you want as friends anyhow? Forget them, and move forward, with your head high, and no regrets. Find someone more decent to spend your life with.

  My 'two cents'.

  Outaservice
• 

  Bam412

  I am really sorry for your recent fate, unfortunately that's life, we have to go through good and bad times but that is what makes us who we are. When I have had horrible stuff happen to me, it has made me stronger, it's true that what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. My only bit of advice for you is to cut all connections with you ex-husband, his family and stop tormenting yourself on the what ifs. They seem very tricky if they are not honest and open enough to answer you when you put unanswered questions to them; where is there respect for you? You are going through a horrible time in your life and they are meant to be supportive to you, how can they be so cold.

  So my advice is to cut them out of your life, work on yourself (outer and inner) and do not let them know what you are up to. I am sure they will make contact with you if they don't know (same goes for your husband) what you are up to and just be gracious and polite and even if you don't feel it at the moment, let them know you are happy and coping exceedingly well despite what's been thrown at you. I look at my mum and dad's divorce and my mum just let herself go. Whereas a friend's mum and dad got divorced after 25 yrs and she did her depressed stage; we all do, and then she got on her feet and she looks amazing, she's got remarried and lives better than she ever did with her first husband.

  Just be strong and you don't need people like that in your life, they are negative and will only have that effect on you, surround yourself with people who make you positive and feel good about yourself. Good luck - I am sure in a few years time we will be hearing how amazing your life is, you have to get through the bad times to get to the good, so here's to the future!!
• 

  Mary

  He said that he doesn't believe that his son had an affair, and that I can't judge him based on circumstancial evidence. Keep in mind that my "circumstancial evidence" consists of love letters I found from the other woman, and the fact that this other woman emailed me some very nasty emails regarding little personal things in my marriage that I did and did not do after my husband left me. Like how would the other woman know these things??

  I'd photocopy the love letters and send them by registered mail to your father-in-law. I'd then send them to every single person in the offices of where your husband works. Oh hell, I'd also send them to people in the congregation your in-laws go to. Perhaps your father in law will get his head out of his ass at that point.

  Not that I'm a vindictive kind of person.