Confused about the JW dating system

by Wendy_Warden 25 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  Wendy_Warden

  Okay, so a girl friend of mine who’s a JW was trying to explain their dating thing. I didn’t quite understand it. Could any of you explain it to me?
• 

  mrsjones5

  They only date (I call it courting) when seriously considering marriage. It is not common for single people within the organisation to date around. The jws only (or are supposed to only) date/court and marry jws.
• 

  restrangled

  It's called:

  NO NO NO NO and NO.....and no touchy either!

  r
• 

  Wendy_Warden

  So they believe in Hand's-Off courtship? How does a guy even get around to dating a girl? Someone said the guy has to go through the Dad and the girl doesn't even know about till the Dad approves him.
• 

  fullofdoubtnow

  Hi Wendy,

  I'm not surprised you couldn't understand it, the jws rules on dating are like a throwback to the 19th century, which might well be when they were written.

  They like to have young couples chaperoned by another jw, to ensure that the couple concerned remain chaste until they are married. Obviously, this means that the couple get little or no privacy, but unchaperoned dates are viewed with suspicion by jw elders and parents, and I have known several couples who have complied with the rule, albeit grudgingly at times. I have been a chaperone myself on several occasions, not the most enjoyable duty, I can assure you.

  What it really boils down to is that the jw leaders don't trust their members to behave themselves with members of the opposite sex, however zealous they are for wts principles.
• 

  Highlander

  The following 'rules' are not necessarily written rules, yet are still enforced through group pressure(bullying) and group think mentality.

  Must marry another JW.

  If you date someone, you must marry that person.

  Must have a chaperone at all times.

  Double dating is considered taboo. You must have at least one chaperone there, even if there are two couples together.

  Holding hands, and a very quick kiss on the lips are the limits to showing affection.

  Cannot sit together at the kingdom hall unless you are officially engaged.

  I'm sure there are many other 'rules' however this is all I can think of at the moment.

  on a side note: Once you've completed this process and are now married, the rules don't stop, they are just different ones.

  Though they can't police it, there have been rules in the past that dictate what you can and cannot do inside the bedroom.

  The rules never end with these pharisees.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  The rules are not enforceable. As mentioned, they are not written rules.
  The force is behind the pressure from family or congregation. I will comment on
  some of these unwritten rules.

  Must marry another JW. While you won't get DF for breaking this, you will be a bad example for years to come
  or even permanantly.

  If you date someone, you must marry that person.
  Not true. You can break it off, but it is generally believed that you will marry the person.
  This causes many to date secretly for awhile or wait until they think they might want to
  marry this person until starting to date them. As stated above, While you won't get DF
  for breaking this, you will be a bad example for years to come.

  Must have a chaperone at all times.
  Unenforceable rule, but widely accepted and a strong suggestion in print. If any conduct
  causes a JC to form, you will be told that you ignored counsel and principles. As stated
  above, While you won't get DF for breaking this, you will be a bad example for years to come
  or even permanantly.

  Double dating is considered taboo. You must have at least one chaperone there, even if
  there are two couples together.
  You might break this one and be okay. The Body of Elders would see this as a situation
  where you are trying to obey the rules in many congregations. They would say, in other
  congregations, that each couple would try to isolate themselves during the date and that's
  why a third wheel is best.

  Holding hands, and a very quick kiss on the lips are the limits to showing affection.
  Yes, very firm rule. There is much in print about "loose conduct." The only problem is that
  the rules on loose conduct can be broadened to include anything beyond the stated rule.
  Giving a back rub to your date could be causing their arousal. This is stupid, because you
  should get aroused by the person you might spend eternity with.

  Cannot sit together at the kingdom hall unless you are officially engaged.
  Depend on the Kingdom Hall and the Elders, but generally true. It's viewed as a public
  display that you are together. Some congregations overlook it, but the rank-and-file will
  always say things about you now being "engaged" forcing the elders to address it in some manner.

  Dating is limited to those free to marry, and is only for the purpose of finding a mate.Yes, Yes, Yes. I am sure this is in print. Any casual dating by someone who is not totally
  scripturally WTS-rules free to marry, or any dating one-then-another person will br dealt with.
• 

  blondie

  Actually, if you date someone you are not officially required to marry them even if you are not being serious about marriage. You will be "corrected" by the elders and could be labeled dating poison.

  JWs can even break an engagement if both parties are agreeable. But even then, if it is unilateral, "you will be corrected by the elders and could be labeled dating poison."

  In today's JW world, either man or woman can insist that the other have an HIV/AIDS test and if positive, can cancel the engagement without any loss of "spiritual standing" in the congregation.

  If a JW dates a non-JW, they will be labeled "spiritually weak" and to be avoided socially; association to be limited to that at their meetings and in the ministry.

  If a JW marries a non-JW they cannot:

  1) have a wedding at the KH

  2) have a brother give the wedding talk without the permission of the elder body

  3) male members will lose any "privileges" or appointed position they might have in the congregtion; females can lose any "pioneer" privileges and can be removed from the ministry school.

  Blondie
• 

  avidbiblereader

  Thanks Blondie for the info, I have been out for over 6 years and I forgot all that crap, when looking back on that man made rules that they are under am I ever glad that I am out. Looking at from this angle is unbelievable

  abr
• 

  Wendy_Warden

  I can't believe you lose spiritual standing for deciding you're in a bad relationship! I would think that the Elders would be more oncerned that they enter a marriage that could run sour in a few years. Unbelievable!