Urgent!! I am biting my nails!

by Schism 35 Replies latest jw friends

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  LovesDubs

  Good ol Dr. Phil is always saying that you "teach people how to treat you". Boy is he right. The more leverage you give people who bully you, parents included, the more they do it because they know you are a Fixemup Chappy and wont stop them from belittling and berating you because you dont want to "hurt their feelings"...as if they give a damn about YOURS. Nobody ELSE would sit around and let them talk to them like that but because you are their offspring you have to take it?? I dont THINK so. My dad always intimidated me...he was never a witness but somehow he could undo my defenses and it took until I was 50 to finally tell him he could stuff his "well intentioned advice".

  When daddy dearest calls, simply say you are NOT going to discuss anything JW related with him henceforth, that you are married and as a new family unit, these things are discussed within your own family. You know he loves you, assure him you love him too, but unless he wants to discuss the weather or a movie he saw, or anything else non-JW in nature, this conversation is done.

  you can do it...and each time you do you will be empowered.

  Loves
• 

  Warlock

  Remember: This is your life. Choose your options wisely. Many JWs have been notoriously foolish in putting their complete trust in the word of the WTS. They sold their homes and used all their resources to follow the WTS's "advice" because they were led to believe that Armageddon™ was Right Around The Corner™. What do they have to show for it? Nothing. The WTS is not going to support them in their old age. They are not going to be reimbursed for their losses. Putting trust in the WTS is nothing more than gambling with your future. Plan for your future, because you will have one, and you can bet that your JW family will come to you with their hat in their hand looking for your help, because they didn't plan for theirs

  Print this and keep it somewhere so you can read it everyday. I wish someone would have told me this in the early 80's.

  Warlock
• 

  choosing life

  I don't know your history. But I have had an adult child tell me he was not coming back to the hall when I still believed it was the truth. Sure it hurts, but you get used to it and realize they are adults who now make their own decisions. I always kept in contact and assured him of my love.

  Now I no longer believe any of it. I finally had to tell my spouse exactly that. If you truly no longer believe this is "the truth", then tell them. If your concerned about disfellowshipping, then just tell them you have doubts and need time to sort things out. Ask them to please give you your space and then stick to your decision. Do not engage in discussions about religion with them. Otherwise, show your love for them. Be the adult child any parent would want. If they won't leave the religion alone, then they will make it hard to be around them. Make sure they know that.

  Then take the time to research the history of this religion. Armegeddon has been imminent since the mid-1800s according to this group. It is just a control factor. If you haven't read Franz's books, take the time to do so. Put down the Watchtower literature and read the Bible with a fresh perspective. You and your mate could do this together, if they are willing. Give yourself some time. You have a right to examine the Bible and your beliefs and that takes considerable time.

  Only you can decide what is right for you and what you truly believe. You are used to having others make your decisions for you. It is time to stand up and make your own decisions. The JWs try to cripple you mentally and emotionally by regulating every aspect of your life. It will take much effort to break away from the mind control. Good luck to you.
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  Calandra

  Schism,

  There is a way to TRAIN your father to be reasonable. My mother was a lot like your dad. Once I was married and said "mom, I don't want to talk about that" she would get enraged and force the issue at hand.

  I adopted a technique that worked over a few months time. I would answer the phone, door, whatever... At the first point where she would bring up something objectionable, I would say "Mom, I love you very much, but I don't feel comfortable talking about this, let's change the subject, please." If she pursued the subject (or other subjects that she knew were off-limits) I would say "Mom, I don't consent to this conversation." After that, I would repeat the EXACT SAME PHRASE twice more. If she still pushed the subject, I would hang up/gather My belongings and leave, etc.

  This is important because with the first comment you establish that you do not want to discuss this morally, legally, and ethically. With the three reminders, you continue to withhold consent. By not varying the phrase in any way, you give him/her NO REASON to believe that they are allowed to proceed - EVEN if they think of a new approach the topic. You've said NO. Then by ending contact, you show that you are the strong one, and willing to enforce your limits.

  It will take many many times to teach your father that you are serious about maintaining your limits. Slowly you will notice that he will stop after the second or third warning... or he will change the subject until later in the conversation. BE VIGILANT! Don't let him find a weakness in your defenses. If he truly wants contact with you, he will begin to respect your limits and you'll notice that even if he mentions an off-limits topic, he'll suddenly change the subject, rather than risk losing contact...

  It works, honest.
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  bebu

  Calendra, WELCOME to the board!

  And what you wrote is an excellent technique and it does work. Stubborn people usually brush off the first objection (just like when going door to door), and keep pressing forward. Repeating the exact phrase again, no variances, and then after the 3rd time quickly cutting them off is very powerful!

  Schism, I wish you luck with your dad. Remember that he really is concerned for you, even though he is a control freak.

  bebu
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  Bodhisattva1320

  Sorry to hear of your uncomfortable situation. You must however stand up for yourself. There is NO other choice. Don't back down now or you WILL regret it. The other posters have great responses non-combative suggestions so i will not include any more. Good luck and be strong for yourself now and in the future.