I've shown this to a couple of friends, but I'm ready to widen that audience a bit. So, without further ado, here's my soul mate story.
I worked with Amber and saw her a few times a week. When I first accepted a lead care position, she was the one who trained me in on med passing and from that first day I worked with her, I was so impressed by how kind and patient she was. You see, I'm not an easy person to train. I ask questions that make even those people who say there are no dumb questions frustrated with my dumb questions. I don't do it consciously, but I clarify everything. And I do mean EVERYTHING. Anyway, she was way pregnant, less than a month away from giving birth, and so I assumed she was married. I don't go there.
Fast forward a few months. She had her boy, Caleb, on September 11th, 2004. After her maternity leave, she came back and I found out that she was indeed married, but that her and her husband had been separated since she first found out she was pregnant. I asked her about it one day and she told me that she had filed for divorce. Well, this changed things quite a bit. I don't go there with married women, but I have nothing against letting someone soon to be available know that I would love to get to know them better. I should have thought about rebound relationships and all that happy crap, but I was mesmermized. I'd never met anyone like her. I can't even describe it properly. She clicke with me on every level I've ever wanted to click on. Attitude, demeanor, looks, smile, voice, height, hairstyle, favorite breakfast cereal. I was a goner.
I found out about her divorce filing in January, 2005. About that same time, a friend of mine from Italy started a song-writing contest. Her husband is a musician and so she thought it'd be fun. We'd been friends for about a year and she'd read every poem I'd written. She insisted that I take part in her contest. I told her that I'd never written any songs before but she pointed to my metered and rhyming poems and told me to give it a try. Well, I'd never considered writing music before, but I figured what the hay. I sat down and wrote this:
Look At Me That Way Again
I showed up early, just to see you, and now my heart’s aflame
I yearn to show you, that you can trust me – this is not a game
You’ve touched me deeply, oh so deeply - have I touched you the same?
Oh Amber darling, I wish you’d look at me that way again
Chorus:
The way you look at me...it drives me wild
From your gentle eyes, to your ravishing smile
I get lost, so lost, when I see your face
That look of yours is childlike grace
I’ve tried to show you, just how I feel, behind anxious eyes
Thoughts of your smile, enter my mind, and leave me in the skies
I hope that one day, you will notice, that you own my heart
So if you’re listening, to my eyes then, here’s what they impart
Chorus:
The way you look at me...it drives me wild
From your gentle eyes, to your ravishing smile
I get lost, so lost, when I see your face
That look of yours is honest grace
I can picture, us together - if only in my mind
Walking closer, ever closer - our two hands entwined
You glance my way, as if to say, "I’m glad you’re in my life"
Oh Amber darling, I hope one day, that you’ll be my wife
Chorus:
The way you look at me...it drives me wild
From your gentle eyes, to your ravishing smile
I get lost, so lost, when I see your face
That look of yours, is sincere grace
I didn't show this to Amber as I was too scared, but I did make the decision to give her a valentine on Valentine's Day. I talked to all the women I knew for suggestions on how to go about making my intentions known and I finally settled on a beautiful yet not mushy valentine - and I enclosed this poem:
Does She See Me?
Kind demeanor, welcoming smile
Conscientious, so full of style
Does she see me
As I do her?
Just what do her eyes infer?
When she looks at me, my heart flies
catapults my thoughts to soar the skies
Does her heart yearn
As does mine?
Would it be possible for us to align?
She loves our God, honors His law
Her respect and obedience leave me in awe
Has she noticed me
As I’ve noticed her?
Is there a part for me in her world?
Valentine's day was on a monday that year. The last day we were to work together before the big day was that friday. We both worked in the same location but she worked days and I worked evenings. We did shift change together on our days in common so I decided to give it to her just as we were finishing up. We finished shift change, I gave her the card, and I walked away before my heart could explode. I then had to go to a meeting with my supervisor and so I didn't see her open it or leave. I did find a note in my employee box thanking me for the card and telling me I made her day. That note made mine.
After work, the same day I gave her the card, I wrote this poem:
Friendship Or More
Just to walk up to you with a smile and a card,
Required that I lower my conservative guard
I tried not to show it, but my heart was pounding.
It took all my courage, it took all my grounding.
The reason, dear Amber, that my nervousness reigned,
Is I will not allow, to have our friendship strained.
In the front of my mind is the first day we met.
You showed me such patience; I will never forget.
When you look in my eyes, the universe pauses.
Feelings of peacefulness is what your glance causes.
I could sit and listen to your voice all day long.
Its timbre's angelic, in my soul, it's a song.
I'd be very happy to stroll alongside you.
But risking your friendship is something I won't do.
So breath easy Amber, for my intent is pure.
Bringing you any pain, I just couldn’t endure.
If you’d like to know me a bit better some day.
Well then just let me know, because I’d like the same.
But if from your standpoint you’d much rather be friends,
You still will amaze me, for your beauty transcends.
I had the above poem framed and I gave it to her a couple weeks later. That may have been a little much, but I wanted to let her know I wanted to be more than friends and I was still too shy to mouth those words. In fact, I still hadn't even asked her out. I was hust too scared. Finally, on March 3rd, I mustered the courage and I asked her to go out on a date with me. She accepted on the condition that her newborn son could come along. I'll never forget the way she looked into my eyes and said, "He's part of the deal. If you want me to come then Caleb gets to come." I made all the preparations. I got to the restaurant, the fanciest in town, early and got permission to decorate the table. I had another card with another poem. I bought a stuffed animal for Caleb. And I got two small red roses and had them dressed up beautifully with baby's breath. Here's the poem I gave her that day:
When I Asked You
The sight of your smile, when I got up the nerve
To ask you to lunch, filled me with verve
The rest of the day, my smile stayed in place
Nothing could lessen, its hold on my face
It took me awhile, to reveal my desire
To spend time with you, and take our friendship higher
I hope you don’t mind, that I’m moving so slow
But I sincerely would like, for something to grow
I don’t want to scare you, or drive you away
But I do need to let, my emotions display
Because Amber you’ve touched me, with your words and your deeds
So let’s take it slow, and see where it leads
I make you this promise, though I’m just a man
To show you respect – as much as I can
And as for young Caleb, I welcome him too
Because he’s a part, of the woman that’s you
The date was magnificent and I set up another one for that Saturday night. I invited her to a local coffee shop where they have live entertainment. It's quaint and romantic. I picked her up at her house and drove to the coffee shop. On the way, she mentioned to me that someone at work told her I was 38 years old. I was hoping she could get to know me and my personality a little better before finding out my age, but I admitted it to her and asked her if that meant she wouldn't want to go out. She smiled and said, "Silly, that just means I get to push you around in your wheel chair." I think my heart was ready to play Chopsticks. Anyway, we arrived at the coffee shop but she wouldn't let me go inside. She wanted to tell me something important. It was so cute how she would pick the cutest times to tell me something. Anyway, as we were walking in, she stopped me and told me that with her husband, she waited until she got married to have sex and that she would be waiting again the next time she gets married so if I was with her just for sex, I was wasting my time. She'd already had me, but now I was gone. Yeah, I was looking forward to being intimate, but I could have spent every day just gaxing at her amazing smile.
After the coffee shop, we went out to dinner. Then I drove her home and she gave me a hug at the door. I set up another date for the next Wednesday. This time she wanted us to go to her house. She said it would be cheaper and such. I bought her favorite mocha drink and went to her house that Wednesday morning. She had the framed poem, along with some other stuff I'd given her, on a table in the middle of the room. It looked so classy and it looked like she really treasured those things.
During our date, I sang her the song I wrote for her. She asked me if I wrote that just for her or if I change the name of the girl when I give it to someone else. That hurt, but I understand that she had been hurt before and was skeptical. We played cards and talked. She made pizza and we talked some more. It was honestly the best date I've ever had. She asked me all sorts of things.
I made a date for that friday and took off as I had to work. Friday, March 18, 2005, we had a blizzard beyond any I remember. I had the staffing pager that week and so I ended up fighting my way to work. The snow kept falling and falling and employee after employee called in saying they couldn't possibly make it to work. We couldn't close down since we took care of the elderly and so I ended up working that evening. I rescheduled my date with Amber for saturday. She said she was ok with that, but I could tell something was up. When I called her from work, her soon to be ex-husband was visiting their son, and he was giving her a bad time about seeing me. He accused her of being an unfaithful slut, even though that was what she was divorcing him for (unfaithfulness) and so she ended up cancelling the date.
I was heart-broken. I couldn't get her to answer on Saturday, but I talked to her on Sunday and told her how I felt. I told her that I didn't want to cause her any problems but that I was falling for her hard. She said she was falling for me too and that she would already be with me if her divorce were final. She told me to have patience and so I felt better and I wrote her this:
Take Your Time
You’ve been treated like a fool – he stole and crushed your heartNow you find it hard to trust, so we must be apart
But please don’t lose your smile my friend, because I’m not like him
My love for you will only grow – my respect will never dim
Take the time that your heart needs. Don’t ever think I’m mad
For thoughts of your amazing smile, still make me very glad
I told you that I’d be your friend, and that is what I’ll be
So trust in God and take your time and you will surely see
Oh Amber dear, you precious girl, take all the time you need
My love, just like a tree, will grow – from just a tiny seed
The seed I planted in your heart, by showing you the way
That a real man treats his gal – each and every day
I don’t know what the future holds – I don’t know what’s in store
I only know that you’re the one I want forever more
So while you’re taking care of you, please keep close in your mind
The way I’ve always treated you as our souls are intertwined
Look deep down inside yourself – picture what you’d like
Does the image of what you want and I look at all alike?
Don’t answer now – take your time – there isn’t any rush
Because the way I feel for you isn’t just a crush
And this:
I've Seen You
I’ve seen you with the residents
I’ve seen your radiant smile
I’ve seen the way you love our God
I’ve seen your gentle style
I’ve seen this land from coast to coast
I’ve seen some awesome folk
But Amber dear, ‘til I saw you
I knew not of what love spoke
Your kindness isn’t just a show
Your deeds aren’t insincere
The way you honor those you meet
Fills other’s hearts with cheer
You take the time to do your best
You care about your rep
You truly are a precious girl
With each and every step
Oh, Amber dear, I hope one day
That with you I can walk
That every night before I sleep
Together we can talk
I pray each day to God above
For him to guide my feet
So if it is his loving will
You’d make my life complete
The following Tuesday we had a meeing at work and afterward she agreed to go with me to a local coffee shop where we could talk. I really think we were both falling for each other. It's the only time I've really felt that the other person was falling in love. I drove her back to get her car and told her I'd call her later. I did and we talked for four hours. Toward the end of that four hour call I did something I can't explain. We were talking about Mexico as that's where my ex was from and for some stupid, inexplicable reason, I mentioned that prostitution is legal in mexico.
She knew I had lived there for a number of years. She knew my ex wife was from there. And now she was going to find out about one of my shameful moments. What would any woman ask any man after he put the two thoughts of living somewhere and protitution being legal there together? Her very logical and understandable response was, "Oh, have you ever been to one?" I'm not a good liar so I told her the truth. I don't care to go through that whole story again, but suffice it to say that I did go to a prostitute but that I wasn't able to perform because it didn't feel right. I'm sure it sounds like a copout. I'm sure, because it sounded like one to her.
She told me that night that she couldn't believe I could ever do such a terrible thing. She said she knew that what was in a person's past was in their past but that she just couldn't get over this. I hoped like crazy that she eventually would. We went out one final time. I knew her favorite restaurant was Long John Silvers, so I invited her out to lunch. It wasn't a date, date, but she did agree to come so we could talk. It wasn't a good idea though. Long John Silvers was where she and her soon to be ex went every year for their anniversary. It didn't go well. After that fiasco, I wrote but never gave her this:
You Judged Me Wrong
let you see me as I am, but other’s had their say
You've seen me treat you with respect, but still I lost the day
I’ve been at this spot before – I know I’ll be alright
Still it hurts to lose someone from info that’s not right
I told you that I’d wait for you, but I don’t have the will
The speed with which you judged me wrong, has left me feeling ill
Someone told you that I’m gay, and you believed their word
The thought that I may just be nice, to you never occurred
What other stories did you hear? What other tales were told?
What other reports made you think that I am just fool’s gold?
No need to answer – it doesn’t matter – because you have revealed
That for me and my gentle heart you’ll never be a shield
I’m not mad – I wish you well, but I am a bit depressed
I really thought that you were different – I really was impressed
So while I hope we can be friends, I also have to say
I'll never see you quite the same – my trust has gone away
I don’t mean this to make you sad, but I want for you to know
Judging someone without proof, can sure make them feel low
We could have talked about your fears – just as we had before
But as it stands, it’s now too late – I have closed my door
I kept up trying to get her to talk to me and I finally succeeded, but I ended up messing it up again. One friday when we worked together (toward the end of april 2005), I was very depressed and feeling insecure about how I could ever win back her trust. On this particular day, I didn't say one word to her other than what was necessary to do shift change. I basically snubbed her. I called and apologized afterward and I sent her a dozen long-stem roses, but it was too late. She tore into me and ripped me a new one. She yelled at me for being immature. She yelled at me for hitting on her while she was still married. She yelled at me for so many things that I lost count. After two days of watching her concentrate soley on the negative, and hearing her say for the umpteenth time that we would never get together, I told her that I agreed with her. I told her that I didn't ever see us getting together either. I turned in my keys and cell phone to the other lead care as I was in no shape to work that day and sped out of the parking lot. I drove for a few hours and found a motel. I went to Walmart and bought four bottles of over the counter sleeping pills and swallowed them all. I woke up two days later, barely conscious, not recognizing my family, wondering what was going on.
I was removed from the position of lead care but the company let me come back to work - only in another area away from her. I was too embarrassed to try to talk to her anyay and I've never spoken to her since. I've only seen her from a distance a few times.
A couple months after I last talked to her, I wrote this but I've never given it to her:
For But A Moment
Blonde hair and captivating eyes
For but a moment they saw me.
A smile that enticed me to follow
For but a moment she smiled only for me
Kindness is what defined her
For but a moment I was a recipient
Soft, gentle hands
For but a moment I imagined them holding me
Roses, lilacs, and chrysanthemums
For but a moment I breathed in her perfume
Soothing yet stimulating was her voice
For but a moment it was directed at me
Honey must have flowed from those sensuous lips
For but a moment I dreamed of partaking of them
Vivid memory of a breathtaking, Wednesday afternoon
For but a moment I was in heaven – but the vision was only in my mind
That is my soulmate story.