Online Dating etiquette

by serendipity 24 Replies latest social relationships

serendipity

I ran across this info and thought it would be good to share since there are some here who are using online dating sites like match and plentyoffish.

I've been a bit surprised by some of the men emailing me, demonstrating that this info is not common knowledge. (I'm not suggesting that men alone are guilty.) There's only one additional thing I would add:

If you want to keep an email conversation going, ask a question. No questions suggests no interest.

The following is at this link:
http://www.perfectmatch.com/pepper/columns/column_Apr06.asp

I know from firsthand experience what the "Ten Commandments of Online Etiquette" should be. There are just too many nasty transgressions of common courtesy and good faith beginnings. So, here are the etiquette rules I wish everyone would live by.

One

Thou shalt be honest about your marital status and emotional availability

It's not nice to lie about your marital status or intentions. And, guess what? It's a lie which will get you thrown off most sites, certainly Perfectmatch.com. There are plenty of sites which are basically adultery.com. Go there if you need to and don't hurt innocent women and men who are emotionally honest and vulnerable. Remember, lying about your marital status makes you a lowly coward. Lying about your emotional availability, makes you a candidate for therapy.

Two

Thou shalt not use a picture that no longer looks like you

This is such a waste of time. Unfortunately, even a picture which is trying to be honest is sometimes misleading. Still, remember, you know if the picture was 10 years and 40 pounds ago. Don't set up disappointment, anger and a sense of betrayal in the first 10 seconds of meeting someone. They will like who you for being honest about who you are now. No one will want you when they are expecting the person you used to be…or perhaps, never were!

Three

Thou shalt not send too many emails to someone who has not responded

Ok, you thought the person who didn't return your email was deluded, wrong and/or a tragic mistake. Maybe so. But, three strikes and you are out. A few additional pictures, another note, but if you haven't got an answer, then leave the scene. You don't want to be seen as a stalker. And, if Perfectmatch.com sees you as one, your account will be terminated immediately.

Four

Thou shalt not be silent upon receipt of a picture

If you ask for a picture, see it, don't like it, and then didn't respond back, you are brutish or bitchy. The least you owe the person is: "Thanks for the picture. I'm respectfully moving on." You asked and they responded. Be nice about it.

Five

Thou shall not make up a lame excuse about why you are not going to follow up after a first coffee. Be at least a bit honest and let them learn something

Have some common decency and manners. If you meet someone and don't want to continue seeing them, drop them a line and say it was a pleasure, but they are not " the one". If there is something which really bothered you (they blew bubbles in your face, cleaned their nails at the table, never shut up, etc.), it wouldn't be awful to give them a little constructive feedback. If you don't want to do this, at least don't say something like, "…my husband and I decided to get back together…", especially if you are going to be back on the site and they can see you are still looking around. Be honest and straightforward. It's good manners and good character.

Six

Thou shalt not take a refusal to continue personally

Not everyone in the world is supposed to be attracted to you-and vice versa. So, don't sulk. And for goodness sake, don't say anything nasty to someone who said they weren't interested in you. Move on and be gracious about it.

Seven

Thou shalt be honest about whether or not this is an exclusive or non-exclusive situation

You don't have to say anything, if your partner doesn't ask. But if you can see he or she assumes you are being monogamous when you are not, you need to set the record straight immediately. Likewise, if you agree to a monogamous relationship, do it. No one is forcing you to make the agreement. If you give your word, be honorable about it. Don't muck up a perfectly good relationship by promising something you don't mean and can't provide.

Eight

Thou shalt not assume who will pay for what

The tradition has been the man always pays for the woman. But, traditions are changing and some men are starting to feel taken advantage of. This is especially true if there is never any reciprocity, or if the dinners and outtings are extremely expensive. Women and men should discuss their values about cost sharing early on.

Nine

Thou shalt be honest about whether or not you are every going to actually see the person you are corresponding with

There are a certain number of people who email back and forth forever, and never show up anywhere. That's not ok. The vast majority of people on Perfectmatch.com are looking for love and a lifetime soul mate. Having cold feet in the beginning is understandable. But, emailing and never connecting is dishonest. It hurts the person who trusted you to be serious about getting together if the emails went well. Cyberspace is a vehicle, not a destination.

Ten

Thou shalt not whisper promises and endearments and then disappear

Just because it is possible to disappear into Cyberspace without a trace, doesn't mean you ought to let yourself do it. Don't be romantic and promise the moon just because you know you won't have to actually deliver on what you said. Being a cyber-tease hurts people, and even damages their ability to trust in the real thing. Be honest, and be careful about what you say.
ButtLight

Wow, some good rules there. Thank god Im not out there in the dating world, I hate it!
(i like the one about not puting a 10 year old photo and 40 lbs later one) lol
MegaDude

Ok. I admit it. This isn't really me.
hillary_step

This is me, though I will admit to no longer wearing the same tee-shirt and I am employed now as a White House political writer. I would hate to think that any online friend might think I only own one tee-shirt and was unemployed.
When SixOfNine filled my inbox with invitations to scrub my windows with his eyebrows, I very firmly informed him that he must get in line behind Minimus. He cried for weeks and weeks and weeks, but survived the pain I am glad to say.
What-A-Coincidence

I hate it when a chic posts a picture that is not even close to resembling her
So here is mine ... it's pretty close ... can't put up my real mug cause i don't want to get exposed yet ;-)
Jim_TX

I am no longer using those online dating sites, but I used to.

What I hated were the gals who would post their 'Glamour Shot' photos from High School. Very deceiving.

I would post my photo - recent enough to give them an idea of who I was... and what I looked like. Of course, these were usually self-photos taken on my front porch while holding the camera at arms length. Not the best.

I know that guys can be turds in the dating-scene... but so can gals. I know... I met a few.

Regards,

Jim TX
Mystla

I met my hubby online.. not in a dating site, in an online game. We chatted a lot, exchanged several million emails and were "just friends" for about 6 months, talked on the phone a few times, finally met in person and he moved in with me two weeks later
Hey, when it's right, it's right... we met almost 7 years ago, have been together for over 6, and have been married for almost 3 (we were a little slow in the matrimonial catagory, we both have ex-spouses) He's my best friend, we do everything together and spend all our time with each other..niether of us want it any other way.
The internet is a great way for people to get to know each other and be friends before "hooking up" but, like any form of dating, it can be harmful too.. caution is a good thing, especially where the heart is concerned. I think the rules are a great idea.. as long as everyone sticks to them.. but how can you know?
Misty
zagor

Remember, lying about your marital status makes you a lowly coward. Lying about your emotional availability, makes you a candidate for therapy.
LOL, love that one
Though I don't think online dating should be any different than RL dating. Some basic rules always apply
1. Honesty
2. Not playing games on someone for selfish interest
3. Always telling the truth
I'm new to Internet dating which makes me feel sometime really clumsy in it all. Especially when it comes to expressing exact feelings or emotions. It is much easier for me to deal with people in RL than through internet. It think it takes lots of skill to actually put your inner self onto the pages of the internet, because all you have is typed word, no voice modulation, no looking deep into someone's eyes, no touch of a hand, no ability for them to see your whole person, no ability to embrace them and hold them with your arms... I could go on and on. So to not have all of that and still win someone's heart must take lots of skills. Which is why I'm bad at this. I really wish they taught this stuff at school :p
moreisbetter

Mega,
don't underestimate yourself
SWALKER

After reviewing your online dating etiquette rules, I decided to critique them and see if I could put it in understandable terms:
One

Thou shalt be honest about your marital status and emotional availability

This is impossible for men to do. They really do not have the capacity so please don't expect it of them. Hire a detective agency to check out the guy first.
Two

Thou shalt not use a picture that no longer looks like you

All men believe they look like Brad Pitt. Their current photos are unrecognizable to them, so they post one that looks familiar. See picture below to understand:
Three

Thou shalt not send too many emails to someone who has not responded

The majority of men have obsessive compulsive disorder and need meds.
Four

Thou shalt not be silent upon receipt of a picture

A man feels that pressing the DELETE key is very loud!
Five

Thou shall not make up a lame excuse about why you are not going to follow up after a first coffee. Be at least a bit honest and let them learn something

HUH??? (A typical male response!)
Six

Thou shalt not take a refusal to continue personally

Most men respond in the following way:
"My life is over, I'll never, never, never go on another date again for as long as I live!!!" The phone rings and it's Marcy who wants to go out for a cup of coffee, "I'll be there in 5 minutes!"

Seven

Thou shalt be honest about whether or not this is an exclusive or non-exclusive situation

The man always thinks it's exclusive for the woman. He doesn't think it applies to him until the ink dries on the marriage certificate.
Eight

Thou shalt not assume who will pay for what
ALWAYS ASSUME THE MAN WILL PAY! (Are you trying to ruin the best thing we've got going???)
Nine

Thou shalt be honest about whether or not you are every going to actually see the person you are corresponding with
Men honestly feel they are going to see the person until they open up the next e-mail.
Ten

Thou shalt not whisper promises and endearments and then disappear

Men feel that practice makes perfect! It's like a ball-game!
Swalker (exiting the board for a few months.....)

Online Dating etiquette

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