I didn't have a choice, i was born into it, and new nothing else.
What were your reasons for becoming a JW?
by Narkissos 49 Replies latest jw friends
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Narkissos
Thank you all. Please keep them coming.
HS,
In addition to a breathtaking story I think you made a very valid point:
I am not sure that any of us who 'converted' to the JW's rather than were raised in it will ever know the answer to this question
I agree this is beyond "knowledge" or "truth". Of all things motivations are the most elusive, and we cannot tell even our own memories without putting a slightly different spin on them every time. The "facts" we do remember are mute signs, marks or scars which we must interpret over and over again. Only through this ever-open process of creative reinterpretation can we speak of "our lives" -- to an extent. At least posit, or invent, some relative identity between who we were and who we are.
It is all the more important (even though painful) to do it imo.
The background "facts" in my case are few, because I was young. I was the only son of a "nuclear" family which exploded when my parents divorced (I was nine). What I had felt as most permanent suddenly proved tragically impermanent. I had learnt to read very early and as far as I recall the connection between words and things which makes up everybody's "reality"was always highly strange and problematic to me. I used to wonder at words or things nobody around me wondered about. I could not take anything for granted and felt a compulsive need to "test" reality to the breaking point (which never failed). I was both in constant revolt against conventional common sense and in search for a solid ground "beyond arbitrarily-defined reality" as it were. That made me very likely to welcome some sort of metaphysical "truth".
When my father and his second wife started studying with JWs I didn't buy into it at once. But the first meeting I attended did it. "Truth" from the written words of an ageless book, shared by a society stronger than "family," against the "world". I irrationally switched from critical to appropriation mode overnight. Doubts came back about one year later, but then I was a JW and then the choice was henceforth being the "God beyond our thoughts" and my "treacherous heart". I was in for over a decade of trying to run faster than my own shadow.
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Jourles
Born in, so I didn't have much of a choice in the matter. But my dumb ass decided it would be best to wait until I was 18 "to make sure of all things." x1,000
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undercover
This obviously applies to those who became JWs -- hence mostly not born-in, although some of the latter might admit to having chosen the JW way for themselves at a certain stage of their childhood or teenage years.
Well, I was born into it but at the same time I didn't leave until I was in my late 30s so there had to a point where I chose to become a JW, though being brainwashed (for lack of a better word at the moment) did help me in my decision making.
My JW mother was ultra conservative (still is) and raised us kids to accept the religion as unfailing. Having the religion to all but claim to speak for God himself only reiterated what she taught us.
I was a good kid for the most part. What trouble I got into I was able to get back out of, partly due to my penchant for sneakiness. But being a good kid and not wanting to upset my parents, I tried to please them in all things. As I got older, I had questions and doubts about the "Truth" but in either in my laziness or unwillingness to upset the apple cart, I never faced those doubts. I assumed that it had to be right. There was just enough there to make me believe it had to be right.
The signs of my family being dysfunctional were there, but not having any experience in any other family life, I didn't see it. I thought we were a well-adjusted, normal family...better than normal actually, since we knew the truth about pagan holidays and false religious observances and thus avoided them. It wasn't until I was out, on my own and even married that I started to realize that my parents, my mother mostly, wasn't playing with a full deck. Little things that I waved off as quirky when younger stood out later when that behavior became worse or more pronounced.
My father was a good man, but not a great father. He was there, barely. Worked weird shifts, missed service for work, etc. Our mother took the lead spiritually as far as making us kids go to meetings and out in service. She conducted the home study when he was at work. I know now that he never really believed it like my mother did or does. He went to his grave faking being a JW...something I refuse to do.
In trying to be the good son, I never really researched beyond the WT publications and I readily accepted what was taught despite my doubts. I took my doubts as weakness, since I knew deep down that I would never go to Bethel, pioneer or become a full time servant. I had trouble getting 10 hours a month let alone trying to pioneer from time to time, though I did aux. pioneer on two occasions, the two worst months of WT service of my life.
It took twenty years of doubts and questions and changing doctrines before I finally looked into the possibility that I had been duped.
I have to think though, had I not been born into it, I don't think I would have ever been attracted to it. Even when in, I admitted to myself that being religious was not me. I saw at an early age that religion was used to manipulate the weak, but I didn't see being a JW as being religious. We had the "Truth" therefore we weren't part of the religious world or Christendom. (Actually I did see it...I was just fooling myself to believe otherwise...cognitive dissonance at work). What I hadn't caught on to fully was that I was being duped worse than those that I had ridiculed for being duped.
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jayhawk1
What were your reasons for becoming a JW?
Let me sum up my 16 years in the Watchtower.
"Well, the end is near... isn't it? The end is any day now... isn't it? Aww crap, this is a hoax... I'm outta here!"
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hillary_step
Narkissos,
Thank you for relating the experiences of your young life.
Doubts came back about one year later, but then I was a JW and then the choice was henceforth being the "God beyond our thoughts" and my "treacherous heart". I was in for over a decade of trying to run faster than my own shadow.
I think this is the most dangerous aspect of a high-control religion that feeds and grows on a sense of exclusivity. Once hooked, we are held prisoner by invisible emotional chains that are very hard to break, despite the fact that our hearts are trying to pull us from the quagmire.
Sometimes I think that many XJW's are among the most courageous people that I have met. Few people can imagine the difficulties that breaking away from a religion that owns ones soul brings to us, and many only do so with the help of professionals. My own experience is that when I finally left, I reconnected with my 'old' self and felt whole for the first time in many years.
Apart from all the intellectual reasons for despising what the WTS stands for, which are divers and deep, one thing that always grips my memory is a KM that once instructed us how to smile, and what tone of voice to use when speaking to others about our faith. We were owned, but unlike less subtle cults, we were made to feel the opposite.
My God, they even told us when to smile, but now the laugh is on them!
HS
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Golf
My mom was a very domineering women, so, to get out from under her excessive control, going to meetings and service was FREEDOM! You gotta understand I'm talking about the late 40's and begining of the 50's. Life was much much much different then. I have six brothers and she would limit out freedoms. She had this spirit before coming a witness, it just carried over. I could say more, but, enough said.
Golf -
Euphemism
I was born-in, but I did make a conscious choice sometime in my mid-teens (although I was baptized much younger). I felt that I had no choice but to choose to stay.
To give up my faith, I would first have had to seriously question it: to step back from the whirlwind of talks and comments and preaching, and give myself time and space to make up my mind without constantly having to make expression of my faith. But to harbor such doubts would be an insult to God, which I was not prepared to commit unless I was already certain of the answer. I was also proud of my record of 'spiritual advancement', and if I was going to stay in the faith, I didn't want to blemish it with a hiatus of 'spiritual weakness.'
So the only way I could have considered leaving was by already having decided to leave. Catch 22.
When I actually did leave, five or six years later, my 'doubts' arose in the context of personal bible study and doctrine. So there was no feeling of guilt about doubting God; and rather than suspending my 'spiritual' activity, I was able to refocus it (until, of course, I no longer believed and felt no need to continue). I was also more emotionally secure by then, and cared less about competing for status in the congregation.
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jwfacts
I was born in so indoctrination and expection no doubt played a great part.
However, at 16 I went (superficially) searching for truth in other religions by getting out a number of Buddhist, Hindu, Christian and Muslim books from the library. None of them seemed closer to truth, or to offer anything that the JWs did not. From the black and white analysis a JW is trained to think in the Eastern religions seemed like the fantasies of imagination. Muslims had no prophecies. "The Bible on the other hand had prophecy to prove it was from God, and since only JWs don't worship the Trinity there is no doubt it is the truth."
I now realise that a 16 yo does not have the comprehension to make such a life term committment. My mother on the other hand never failed to remind me once I had doubts that i had not been indoctrinated and had taken the time to research other religions. I had made an informed decision to be a JW so deserved to be d/f.
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Arthur
I was born and raised in the organization. It was my entire reality. All of my family and friends were in the org. However the question is: why did I make a conscious decision to stay? Five reasons:
Intellectual Laziness: If all of these wonderful, intelligent people I knew were convinced this was the truth; then it was good enough for me. It was much easier to allow the brothers in Brooklyn to do all of my thinking and make decisions for me, than for me to take personal responsibility.
Denial: I refused to acknowledge my doubts or cognitive dissonance. I merely tried to ignore them and go on. I attacked ex-Witnesses as "apostates" and "wicked opposers", because after all, I knew we had the "truth".
False Pride: I hated this "system of things" and was convinced that myself and JWs were so much better than "worldly" people.
Wishful Thinking: I wanted to believe that I was part of the chosen few that were in God's favor; the small number of "special" people who would inherit a paradise with no problems.
Alcohol: Drinking allowed me to drown out the realizations that I was engaging in intellectual laziness, was in denial, was filled with false pride, and was indulging in wishful thinking. When I quit drinking, and began to think more clearly; the blinders slowly fell off.