Interfaith Relationship

by Christina77 66 Replies latest social relationships

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  Christina77

  About the point that sixofnine brought up... when he met me he was thinking about getting out of it and then... he dropped off what he was saying. He did the same thing when I asked him why didn't he try to convert me. That is the biggest thing I have always known about them is that they believe that they should convert as many as possible into their faith... and he just said that he thought about it, but... and dropped it again. He said that everyone is asking if he is doing ok, and he says yes. He isn't doing fine... he is doing me!!! and that is wrong for him to say that everything is ok. Hopefully he will decide to follow in the direction of his heart that he did feel at one time, and face reality. He needs to act upon what he feels is right and what he must do if he wants to be with me.

  And to larc, I know I am wrong and admit that I have sinned. Yet I am also human and have human desires that are very hard to ignore. I am not persecuted for my sins beyoned confession and my conscience. I would never cast the first or any stone to anyone that has sinned. I have not hurt anyone, killed anyone, stolen anything, I don't do drugs, smoke or drink. There are worse things in the world to possibly have done. Enjoying the closeness of another human being is being human. There are probably many out in the world that have hid this fact to others and continue to do so. I follow my religion to the best of my ability, I don't agree with all of their beliefs. But I try to follow it and understand my faults.

  Spider, thank you. Even though you don't think it is good advice, it really is. It gives me some idea as to what is bouncing around in his head. It is the reality that many face when things are conflicting. Another fact is that I am not his first worldly girlfriend, and they knew about her and disliked her. Now, I know why. Yet, he won't share any of the situation with me so that I would be prepared to what I am going to be faced with. From his past I don't know how he has been able to continue in his faith and I can see where his heart and desires really direct him. Hopefully he will soon realize this as well. And I wouldn't be able to be crewl enough to him, to disfellowship him in any way. He really is very important to my life and I want to spend the rest of it with him.
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  spider

  "when he met me he was thinking about getting out of it and then... he dropped off what he was saying. He did the same thing when I asked him why didn't he try to convert me.he just said that he thought about it, but... and dropped it again."

  What was on the end of those statements, do you think?
  perhaps "then I was scared"
  and "but I don't really believe it myself enough to convert you"

  What does he have to be scared of? What does he have to lose if he were disfellowshipped? Does he have family in it? Close friends. Was he born into the religion or did he convert?
  If he was raised in it then it's all he's known.Leaving would be more terrifying.
  If he has family, particulary parents in the religion then he must deal with their disappointment and perhaps loss.
  As for not wanting to convert you, this could be for two reasons.
  He does not believe it enough himself.Also,he has been behaving in a very unwitnesslike way; a fact of which you are well aware.This is not the basis for bringing you into the religion. If you became a witness you would see him as an immoral hypocrite.
  He has everything finely balanced.You on one hand, the witnesses on the other.He is the fulcram keeping the balance. If he moves one way or another he loses something important to him.So he stands perfectly still,holds his breath and hopes against hope there are no sharp gusts of wind.Not a sustainable position in the long term.
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  Christina77

  As far as I know, his parents had converted into the religion at some point. I don't know if it was before he was born or if it was after, and he doesn't know either. I know he is scared, as am I. His brother and sister have both married other Jehovahs Witnnesses, which makes the situation worse. He has revieled to me that he doesn't get along with a good amount of his extended family, and they I believe are still Catholic. The majority of his friends are Jehovahs Witnesses as well. Yet the ones that are not, I have been introduced to, although they are far few less than those that I have a feeling are. I thought something was weird when I accidentally left something for my hair at his apartment, and he hid them when the guys were coming over. And the only one of these guys that I accidentally met momentarilly when I first met my boyfriend, gave me the dirtiest look. And that would explain why he wouldn't want any of those friends knowing about me.

  The thing I don't understand is that he is very touchy in public... we hold hands, he tries to sneak a kiss as often as possible, etc, etc, etc. If there are so many with his beliefs out there (yet he supposably knows a lot of them) how or why would he do this? That possibly could see him acting wrong with a worldly person.

  I am not going to tell him to leave, I just want him to admit to his family that I exist and face reality. I know that if they know about me he would be persecuted in his community. And how his family will disaprove and make him the black sheep of the family so to speak. This is going to have to come out, and I really want him to come clean and admit his feelings to his family. I am going to be his wife and it isn't going to go away that I am worldly.

  And as to converting and him leaving, if he had actually finished those statements I would totally understand. Since he didn't that is what makes me so nuts about all of this. And I am too scared to bring it up. I have seen him ever day this weekend and tried and tried, but I just couldn't get up the nerve. He could tell that there was something bothering me and I just couldn't let it out. I let him know that it bothered me that I can't just call up his mother and asked her how to prepare his favorite dishes. I want to be able to bond with her and I can't.
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  spider

  I am not sure whether or not you have an accurate concept of "disfellowshipping".
  If his parents knew of his involvement with you it is unlikely that they would be telling you about their son's favourate meals.
  They would of course be disappointed with their son but in their love for him they might try to find excuses for him. You however they do not know.They will see you as the evil influence that has manipulated and tempted him into this course. You got a black look from one of his friends.Do you think that it will be any different with his family?
  Disfellowshipping however is not just being the black sheep.It is the severing of all communication.A witness would not even give eye contact to a disfellowshipped one, nor give a greeting.Perhaps his relatives may not be quite this severe - there can be some room for flexibility with close family members,however the relationship would be strained and limited.As for friends, these would definitely be lost.
  Would he be disfellowshipped if the elders found out about his immorality?
  Would he be disfellowshipped if he married you?
  I would say, probably yes to both.
  If he had dated you for a while and then it had ended,there wouldn't have been any difficulties.This has only become a problem for him because things have grown so much more serious between you.
  You're talking of marriage and that is just not possible without things changing significantly for him.
  You need to get him thinking.He has committed himself to marrying you. Ask him what will happen if this occurs. He needs to be thinking realisically about this and not just ignoring it and hoping it will go away.Don't confront him.Ask him pertinent question about you're future together.How it will work with him being a witness.How it will affect his relationship with his parents.How he feels about it all.
  If you get him thinking about such realities then he will start to realize that decisions need to be made.
  One last thought -
  There is a way of leaving the witnesses without being disfellowshipped.The term is "fading away" or "drifting out".
  As the name suggests it is a fairly slow process.There is no acknowledgement of a problem.A person just goes to less and less meetings until after a while people forget all about you.
  Once enough time has passed you could then get married quietly.That could work.He would still have to leave the religion but his relationship with his family might be much improved.
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  kenny2

  re: comments from spider. you are so on top of it. I, however understand everything you are talking about through my own experiences, but maybe trying to make clear to a non witness would be like trying to explain an orgasm to a virgin. sounds like he is just scared out of his mind. Leaving the WT is like leaving the mob. but it can be done. the man is with you because of LOVE. he is hanging on to the jws because of FEAR. i can relate to this and i hope and pray that everything works out.
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  Christina77

  That is a very good analogy, as to how I feel. That no matter how much information I get, I am still confused and will have a hard time understanding it. I really am a Virgin so to speak, that is trapped inside my chastity belt and no one has the key. Well, since I can't seem to talk to him about it, I wrote a letter about how I feel (all of 5 pages) and hopefully I will get up enough courage to give it to him. And hopefully this will get the heavey weight off of my chest, that is starting to suffocate me.

  Another question that I have is does anyone know anyone that has actually married a non-witness and not been disfellowshiped? I had found another message board that supposably was of experts of all sorts. There was a guy that was Catholic and his wife is a Witness, I asked him how he was able to be married and he just told me to ask my spiritual advisor. So he was of no help. I just need a little more information as to whether this can be true or not. I feel as if I need to help my boyfriend with this, so that he knows that there is a possibility out there for us. He seems as if he is too scared to find out the information for himself.
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  aTHINKING1

  WELL I'VE BEEN LURKING FOR A MONTH NOW SO I GUESS I BETTER JUMP IN
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  aTHINKING1

  sorry, screwed up first try...anyway..i personally know of three people who have married "out of the truth". one was active and was "marked", although this was probably twelve years ago. she stayed with it and seems to be happy. another one knocked up his worldly girlfriend..got hitched by justice of the peace, he wasnt to active and i dont know of anything that happened to him. the third one is on her 3rd "worldly husband" she has never been to active,just a meeting once in a while, but her family is in. this sounds somewhat like your boyfriends situation. i personally dont think the elders would pursue someone who is not active, however if he decides to go back strongly (more than just a meeting here and there) and defends your relationship to others in the hall, he could probably be "marked". hope this helps a little.
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  Bridgette

  First of all....Welcome Newbies!

  Christina,
  You've received so much advice here, that I don't think I can top. But I have to echo what Spider was saying, about him being split inside. There is the human side of him--the one who loves you--desparately, then there is the cult member (please make no mistake that this is a cult). As the cult member, he is suffering TREMENDOUS guilt. Even if it works out and you guys get married, there will forever be tremendous pressure for him to convert you (this is the purpose of having his magazines all over the place). When he met you, and when he's with you at times, he is disconnected from the cult group-think, but when he's with them, he's NOT THE MAN YOU MET. Yes, it can work out. But as long as he's a witness, you will not have as intimate a relationship as if he weren't. He'll always be split. Even if you convert, the cult will ALWAYS come first in your marriage.
  Good luck, Christina. Maybe his love for you will be strong enough to break the shackles of the cult.
  Love,
  Bridgette
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  Christina77

  Again I want to thank all of you for helping me in this situation, and to add to his involvement he attends the meetings on Tuesday and Thursday nights, Sunday morning, and does some sort of Bible study on Sunday afternoon. So, I would think that this is pretty active. When we first started dating I really didn't think twice about the fact that he was out of the house. I just figured he was watching the game or something with his father. For months we went out on Tuesday nights until recently. So this really startled me that he gave up his meetings when I asked him to go out to dinner and we did this every Tuesday. It is just weird.