Should I mention my marital rape to my 18-yr-old son?

J-ex-W

First---Thank you, Lady Lee, for providing the articles on rape. The one on marital rape is especially catching my eye now.

Now, the question, and I welcome any serious answers: My boys are all seriously alienated from me by my abusive JW ex-husband, who has physical custody (because of my physical health limitations). My oldest one, the final one now, just a few days ago has made the decision to cut off from me because of his dad's lying influence; and I have always felt like I cannot tell my kids what their dad was doing during the marriage. Rape was only one of the forms of abuse he perpetrated against me back then.

A friend sent me a webpage link about parental alienation syndrome, and I was thinking about sending it in an email to my oldest son. I am also thinking about sending the info Lady Lee has posted about marital rape and male rape (that one outlines responses to rape in general). Any suggestions about the advisability of doing this and what, if anything, I might say? As it is, I don't even know if he would open an email from me.

He has already said that "nothing short of dad being a serial killer could justify my leaving him," and that anything I could say that could seem to justify my leaving could only be a PACK OF LIES.... [with heavy, spitting emphasis]

I have already tried--twice--to get legal aid, but since I am a NON-custodial parent, they do not have funding to extend their volunteer services to me.

I just want to have a healthy, honest relationship with my boys and, if possible, to help them NOT turn out to be...like their dad, in all the wrong ways....

Lady Lee

What a dilemma. I know it well.

My daughters are 35 and 31. They still don't want to hear about the problems between their father and me. And neither of them want anything to do with the witnesses.

I have stalled in my autobiography because of this. It is next to impossible for me to write about my marriage or my life as a JW and leave out this issue of marital rape. The older one is more accepting of the divorce but she wants NO DETAILS. The younger doesn't want to hear anything.

I guess I don't really have any answers especially since I am dead-locked with my daughters.

I just want to have a healthy, honest relationship with my boys and, if possible, to help them NOT turn out to be...like their dad, in all the wrong ways....

As long as they are siding with their father I don't know if there is any way to have a healthy, honest relationship.

blondie

I'll add some dimension from the child's viewpoint, even grown up. I'm sure my father abused my mother and forced sex on her. Do I want her to confide in me, tell me the details? No. Would I rather she go to a qualified professional and get help and support? Yes. It is not good to enmesh children even adult children in those kind of problems. Triangulation is a dangerous outgrowth of that.

Without going into detail, just explain to the adult child that the husband was abusive and you did what you could do to protect you and your children. I witnessed a great deal of verbal and emotional abuse by my father towards us. It was not hard to believe that other abuse happened.

It could be that your son needs counseling as well to understand how all the abuse affected him and it is not an overnight thing.

Blondie

Robdar

Absolutely not. It isn't any of your son's business.

juni

This is so sad J ex W. I have to agree w/LadyLee; it they just don't want to hear your side I don't know what you could do.

Would the boys agree to go to a therapist with you (at least the 18 yr. old) where you could discuss the facts with a neutral party there to mediate? EDITED TO SAY AFTER READING BLONDIE'S POST - Since Blondie is a survivor of abuse she would have good information for you from the boys' perspective. You may want to confide in her by PM.

Usually in divorces it's mom who alienates the children from dad where there is not any reasonableness, but hostility. Obviously your ex does not want what is best for the boys, but again is only thinking of his selfish self.

I wish I had an answer for you. Right now that is the only thing I can think of about the therapist. When my son was going through a horrendous divorce for 2 1/2 years his wife mean mouthed him to the kids and alienated the kids also falsely accused him of sexually assaulting his daughter which they had to investigate by law, but was proven innocent. They are all young. He went for that "alienation of affection", but was told it was very hard to prove which we could never understand. The courts are unfeeling and often times don't follow the laws as they are written, but allow judges to interpret them.

Sorry to say quite a few of these judges are on a power trip and do not care - only view it as a job to get through the day.

Peace,

Juni

Lady Lee

Thank you Blondie.

Your words are perfect and have helped me move a step forward in this struggle.

For the longest time I have done nothing because I did not want to do more harm. Now I am more assured that it was the right choice.

I too can speak from the adult child's perspective. My mother did tell me the details sometimes more than I needed to hear. But we were both very aligned on the same side against him. The things she told me only verified what I already knew.

I think though that it would be totally different when the child still has some relationship with the abusive spouse/parent. Both my adult daughters have a relationship with their father who has apologized for his treatment of them. I have no desire to destroy that.

My oldest daughter said she would read my book as long as it was OK for her to skip my marriage stuff.

I suspect they will get the galleys for the first part of the book before it is published.

Scully

I would only explain it in the context of preparing my son for being a good husband, for example, what is and what is not acceptable sexual behaviour with a spouse or partner.

No personal experiences. They do not need to know what happened in the marital relationship.

Just because one of the parties chooses to vilify the other to the children, and brainwash the children against their mother, it doesn't justify doing the same to the other parent.

You can only hope that someday the kids will realize that they need to know your side of the story, because they weren't getting the truth from their other parent.

nicolaou

I'm 42. Last year my Mum finally opened up and confided in me the true nature of her relationship with Dad, including how sexual relations were between them. Forgive me but I don't want to post anything about that online except to say that I do understand your dilemma J-ex-W. However, as difficult as the conversation was I'm glad the two of us went through it. I understand my Mum & Dad much better even though it looks like the WT may tear my Mum away from me.

I guess what I'm trying to say is that some children can bear to hear the truth (my 41 year old brother certainly could not). 18 sounds awfully young, but you know your own child.

I wish you well.

lonelysheep

Absolutely not! It'll just come off as you trying to turn him away from his dad.

RAF

Your story is not very clear to me.

But from what I read:

Take all the critics by now … (I know it’s hard – but it’s a mental thing you don’t really have the choice anyway) but the problem/responsibility is that as parents, what is important are the kids (way before ourselves).

More you defend yourself less they would like to hear (if they suffer too from the situation at the moment). The main problem in between you and your sons is maybe not only their father’s influence only. When you talk with them the main subject should be them and only them, they can’t be supporters or actors to relieve your pain (they are kids) wait for that.

I could be wrong but (try to think about it in taking care) maybe they are not really mad at you because you left daddy, they could be mad because they might think that you left them somehow – you throw the babys with the bath water : Are they happy with their father? Do they feel unprotected/unsupported with only him having the custody? … Maybe it’s not about your story with him, maybe it’s about your story with them and the fact that they feel left alone. It’s a big deal for a kids.

Depending on their age (I don’t know how old is the last one) they will be able to get the point or not about what happened in between you and there father (sooner or later) …

The hardest (for them and for you) is the feeling of being left in a situation that you don’t want to be and can’t fight against it … (you know the why but they don’t know exactly and it wouldn’t really change the problem relatively to them). They are putting you in the same situation. (I mean they probably suffer as much as you do – they feel or felt abandoned).

I don't know for real : it's just a suggestion but Maybe this is the real trouble you have to deal with your kids.

Get support for yourself (any kind from professionals and friends) to be able to be strong and there for them when they'll need you.

Take care …
Wish a lot of support.

Should I mention my marital rape to my 18-yr-old son?

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