Should I mention my marital rape to my 18-yr-old son?

by J-ex-W 27 Replies latest social family

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  wednesday

  note: there is some stuff in here that might upset someone who has been sexually abused, but it is the topic of this thread. It is painful but it is true.

  I'd say, DEFINITELY NO I might explain abuse, but there are just some things, as Blondie said, I do not wish to know. My mother made this mistake with me. I was an under 14 yr. old child and she used to fill my head with my father's perverted desires, (in vivid detail I might add). Now, I did not need to know this. Nor did I need to know my father forced S&M on her,and all the details. Do you think she had the good sense to NOT tell me this--EVER? No, she didn't as obviously I'm telling you. Do you think it warped my feelings toward sex that has taken years of therapy to help erase? yes

  So, I'd say, spare your son the gory details, and let him have a shot at a life without his head being filled with images of his father raping his mother. OTHERWISE, I will almost guarantee you that when he tries to make love to his girlfriend or wife, he'll be impotent or he'll rape her. SO.,spare him a life time of sexual problems, or sexual violence. or at the very least, images in his head that he can't turn off (try and imagine not beng to "get to that special place" without fantasing about this gory stuff. I've put this very gently, but you see what i have said.. I won't even tell you the images that go through my head and years of therapy cannot erase them.

  Your children are not your friends, they are your children. Don't use them as a sounding board for discussing your sexual abuse, sex life, or anything adult. You get friends for that. That is emotional incest. I hate to be harsh, but you need to know. It will SCREW him up for his life--- he'll never get out of therapy.

  So for all the years i've spent in therapy, beating Woody Allan, I can say, along with a number of other people

  THANKS MOM
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  nicolaou

  That sounds really crappy Wednesday, sorry man. You explained yourself so clearly I got a lump in my throat. There is, of course, a world of difference between a 14 year old boy and a 42 year old man but your advice was totally sound.

  What a depressing thread.
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  J-ex-W

  Wednesday-- I'm so sorry for your experience. This is exactly why I have always said to my boys [when they demanded a reason from me why I would divorce their dad and, later, why I would not get back together with him/ them] that there are some things children should never have to hear about their parents and that I will not talk to them about it.

  Based on some of the responses on this post, I think my question may have been misinterpreted. I was in no way, shape, or form asking whether I should go into DETAIL with my son (or any of my sons). [--Wednesday, I agree one-hundred percent with what you wrote, and your post confirms my gut response to that idea exponentially.] No...what I meant was, Should I even TELL him that rape/ sexual abuse was one of the reasons for the divorce? My son was demanding an apology for leaving his dad (saying the above). I said I can say I'm sorry for the pain I've caused the kids, but I cannot say I'm sorry for leaving their dad. That signals, officially, the end of all contact in his eyes.

  The boys are so dismissive of abuse as being a justifiable reason to leave their dad. And, of course, the WT articles on wifely subjection--comparing Jesus, who subjected himself even to death on a torture stake--only further cement the idea in their heads that nothing a man does to his wife is justifiable grounds for leaving the marriage. Only adultery--or, as my son put it, his being a serial killer.

  I'm not saying I'm going to do it. Obviously, I'm torn over the whole scenario, to even be bringing it up here. I'm saying I'm tired of having no recourse as the maligned parent who somehow has to keep her mouth shut even while wondering if doing so would only guarantee her sons following in daddy's big, giant, abusive JW footsteps.

  Parental Alienation Syndrome is severe in this case. [I know, 'cause I just read the article someone sent me, and it is our situation to a 'T.'] I just want to know what is a good, wise, beneficial means of fighting PAS when you don't have money to go to court and can't get legal aid because of the limited funds (allocated to custodial parents only).

  It seems like the TRUTH is the ONLY thing on my side [the REAL truth, that is; not the JW 'truth']. How can that ever be enough?

  Anyway...if answers are still no after knowing I don't mean to reveal DETAIL, just simply state the fact--that is fine with me; I will take all answers under strong advisement. I don't know...maybe even that alone would be enough to adversely affect the boys at whatever age.... See--here's the problem I have: I CARE how my boys are affected in all this. My ex-husband is not so encumbered.
• 

  RAF

  (((J-ex-W)))

  I feel for you, you are cumulating a lot of troubles at the same time, you are not superwoman (and no one is) and if you have no ressources you just don't have them ... you need HELP/SUPPORT take it where you can get it (you won't be able to help your sons if you don't feel right) one thing at the time.

  Take care
  I just don't know what to say to help here
  I just wish you'll get all the support needed.
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  restrangled

  Please don't! My mother confided to me things I wish she hadn't......I am now 47 and it still bothers me to know details I wish I didn't. My Father is dead now and I moved on but I firmly believe It is not a child's business to know what goes on between husband and wife no matter how old they are.

  Your 18 year old, I will guarantee does not have the emotional or mental capacity to handle anything of the sort.

  Take care,

  r.
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  wednesday

  That is a serious problem. Have you discussed it with a therapist? It s going to be hard to get a therapist to understand why your boys do not view rape as a just reason for leaving the marriage. But they might be able to enlighten them.

  I see that they are equating your "taking this abuse as being faithful the Jehovah". That is common, and it is going to be hard to explain this to an 18 yr. old.

  If they have seen any other evidence of the abuse then it is no secret. It that case, you may just have to stand your ground, tell them he has been abusive, and you can no longer look yourself in the eye and continue to have a spine if you let him continue to abuse you. No one has to be a punching board.(or raped)

  If they don't understand abuse, even after it has been carefully told to them, that is a problem. Your husband should be reported to the police, a paper trail started. and you need to get out. I know it is easy for me to say that to you, but unless you want your kids to abuse you, something like that has to happen. Think about what I'm saying. yes, your husband is abusing you now, and later you sons will do it too. (in other ways)

  Did you hear me? Your boys will grow up to be just like dad and don't think they won't abuse you and their wives.

  I'd say run for your life. and i know that is not easy

  I did not mean to be harsh to you. I have seen this scenario all my life and lived it. its awful if you don't leave it, you will be everyone's punching bag. I know you are a mother and I bet a good one. but you have a body and you have a right not to be violated. Decide what you can stand, and then make your peace with your self. If you choose to stay, you may pay dearly with your mental health. If you leave, it won't be a bed of roses either. But I'd choose living in my own place and not being punched or raped, if I had a choice.

  I realize we all don't have the same choices. I know is easy for everyone to say "get out" but a person has to consider if they can support themself. but for sure, you need to start reporting this violence to the police. I'd go to a therapist and find out how to proceed. start the paper trail the police are amazingly sensitive to this now. usually a female officer will talk to you. please get some help for yourself. don't let him continue.

  think of our sons. this will be a leson for them it will be one they won't realize for a while but in the end, they will know what their dad is doing and why you left.

  best to you

  weds
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  Oroborus21

  Nothing good would come of it and it wouldn't produce any results that you might hope that it would.

  Your ex's character will eventually be discerned by your sons as well as your true character. It may take some time but you will likely have a chance to have the relationship that you want.

  Also, because big changes will be occurring with the Organization/JW religion over the next few decades, while things may look bleak now, the chances are that they won't grow up to be like their father in the way you fear due to these external factors.

  Finally, most children desire to hold their parents in the best light. It is never a good thing to either bad-mouth the other parent (even when true) or to use the child, even in a passive way, as an act of aggression or in a manipulative way. Your bringing up the marital rape or any kind of negative facts about your ex, will be seen by your sons as an attempt to manipulate them into loving you and not loving him, and they will resent that. Additionally, making them uncomfortable over your relationship with your ex will only reinforce a desire not to be around you which is certainly not what you want.

  You want to make spending every minute of time with you a joy and something that they crave so if you do have the opportunity or whatever contact you do have always keep that in mind and do everything in your power to create that feeling.

  So just continue to express love and let things develop.

  Regarding the legal situation, keep checking around to see what resources may be available to you. The main thing is that you can go back to court to have the custody reevaluated if there is a signficant change in either your or his circumstances, so if your health does improve or something occurs to make it possible for you to have more custody, you may be able to get the present order adjusted.

  good luck,

  Eduardo
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  J-ex-W

  Wednesday---- I'm afraid I'm still not making myself very clear through this thread...blame it on the emotional distress, I guess.

  I already AM out of the marriage, a noncustodial parent who has been gradually squeezed out of my sons' lives by the efforts of my ex and with the support of the WT teachings and his JW extended family. My oldest son is the last one to tell me that he wants nothing to do with me now...and such a big part of me wonders if I SHOULD have said something to the kids a long time ago, to prevent it getting to this point. --And wondering if I should say something NOW [since they're already shunning me, it feels like I have nothing at this point to lose]. Wondering if I should give them something to ponder while they are spending the next umpteen years actively shunning me (and still under the influence of the WT/ my ex/ his family)--even though I expect it would do absolutely nothing positive at this stage.

  I'm getting a lot of answers to say nothing, which is interesting, because when I brought up a similar, related thread a week or so ago, the feedback was overwhelmingly in favor of being UP FRONT with the fact--that the kids may be old enough to handle it. [I'm only contemplating telling my 18-yr-old at this point, not his 16- and 12-year-old brothers. Part of me is concerned that saying nothing ensures any grandaughters I may eventually have will be at risk (because he also sexually abused two of his sisters before me).

  It's all so confusing!!! ...Plus, damnit, I just wanna see some justice done! [not vigilante justice, but the REAL thing]
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  Abandoned

  (((((((((J-ex-W)))))))))

  Here's my take. While you risk looking like you are just trying to get even, it doesn't look like that would be any worse than your current situation. At least they have this to ponder over, and they will. The indoctrination of the jw is strong but all of us here are testaments to the fact that people do come to their senses after they've seen and heard too much nonsense. You can bet they're going to seek you out when they finally realize what a sham this religion is...

  Ignore my advice and see JWDaughter's advice below.
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  JWdaughter

  (This is long-sorry)

  Hi, I am sorry for what you are going through right now with the boys-even more so than the abuse you suffered before, which is quite awful enough. This is probably much worse to you.

  I will add my 2cents. I know that they have all cut you off/shunned you. Teenagers have a very black/white way of looking at things. They can be very unforgiving and sometimes hateful. They have been denied their mother and rather than blame the man who is responsible, they blame you. It is more convenient because of the religious aspect and emotionally it is easier to reject the parent that they feel has betrayed the family.

  They will not always be teenagers. They will someday learn, in general, that life is NOT black and white. If they are in reject mode, you can't force them to love you or to stop shunning you. Anyone with teenagers knows that trying to make a teenager do something is like trying to herd kittens.

  Now all you can do is to keep in contact with them-write them letters, call them if they will accept calls. Tell them you love them, tell them why, tell them your sweet memories of them, their births, fond moments-the good times. Keep on letting them know, calmly, lovingly that you are their mom no matter what and they can refuse to speak to you, but they can't make you stop talking about the fact that you love them and why. You can send them small gifts, you can ask them questions they may never answer, tell them the things you are doing now. Involve them. Now it may not change anything, but they are growing up and older and will be wiser. And all the love you give them will impact them.

  Their father's character will become more evident to them as they mature. So will the nature of the org. You need to be the cool person, not angry, not hateful, not vengeful towared the hateful ex. He is no longer your problem. They are the focus now. So just focus. Love them. And someday, you will get payback. I doubt it will be that long-they are all teenagers and teenagers are all those things I said before-and it will go on dad when they get pissy at him. At some point, even 'his perfect JW sons' are going to want to do/have/be something that the EX won't allow or consider or discuss. And then, their understanding, loving, caring, patient mum will there for them. Its dirty pool, but its not. That is what exes deal with. You get divorced and you have two homes with parents to play off of each other. Use it for good. Many times this can be healing, even between parents who need a break for sanity.

  Don't tell them their dad sexually abused you. If they ever want details, all they need to know is that some things that happen in a marriage are not things that the children ever need to be made aware of, but that you can tell him that it was NOT a decision you made lightly or without cause. And none of it had anything to do with how much you loved them. And that is all any child needs to know of that.

  When one of them comes to you, PM me and we can commisserate on how hard it is to have teenagers. I have kids of a similar age. Good luck!

  Shelly