Thank you, Shelly.
Thank you to all of you who responded here.
Should I mention my marital rape to my 18-yr-old son?
by J-ex-W 27 Replies latest social family
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wednesday
Do you have a paper trail to support your allegations? If you do, then an 18 yr. old can understand.
I'm very sorry, I did not realize you were already out of the house. Good for you. At least you have control of our life.
I'm trying to think how you can explain rape to the boys without going into any kind of detail. B/c for one thing, many people do not believe you can rape a married woman, ie, that she is like chattel, her husbands' property.
Have you talked to a qualified person and asked them how to do this?
It looks like to me that jws will win this unless you have some kind of paper trail. Boys are going to follow their father, but you have done the right thing it is just HARD.
I'd get help from someone qualified to tell them what happened, and don't stop what you are doing, you may save ones life.
you are a very brave person, and I know you are scared and lonely, but find some support, find a support group and go to it. Get female friends. And get help. don't' let them make you feel so sad.
You will help our sons by standing your ground. They are not old enough to know details but something can be told them in the proper words. but they are old enough to pick up their father's behavior.
weds ((((HUGS)))))
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J-ex-W
Thank you, Wednesday. I sort had--but no longer do have--a paper trail about the abuses. I was granted Orders for Protectin twice but, unfortunately, had both of them stricken from the record (under influence of my then-husband) when we made up after several months' separation both times. I was busy doing the dutiful JW wife thing--trying to make a hard stance for my own safety/ sanity's sake, but then backing away from that hard line (like a good JW submissive wife) in order to make up again. --Believing he would have learned a lesson (as all his words and temporary actions supported).
So...I don't know if those documents are even accessible anymore.
Anyway, the consensus here seems to be that I would sound vindictive and be dismissed at best and cause lasting psychological scars at worst if I do bring these things out in the open. --Could it be that that would be the case only if he is hearing it from me? Would it be easier on them if they found out through a new court action that I undertake? I sometimes wonder, too, if I should go back and try to prosecute for the rape and other abuses and mental distress caused (and adverse effects on physical health too).
I guess I want this stuff brought out publicly because--well--justice demands it, and future generations' emotional/ physical safety may be at stake. Wondering, also, if I should NOT mention the rape stuff, but DO send my 18-yr-old an article about Parental Alienation Syndrome and hope he is discerning enough to connect the right dots. My son is [all my sons are] exceptionally intelligent and mature (his dad's/ WT influence notwithstanding). SO...I guess that's my newest question: Do I send my son the article about PAS and hope he gets it, or is that more of 'putting the kids in the middle'?
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Apostate Kate
I can really relate to your terrible situation. I was raped by my ex husband. My biggest mistake was in not calling the cops. The had already been out to the house on several occasions and advised me to leave for my own safety. They knew we were living separate in different ends of the house, me with my doors locked. The lawyer told me not to leave or I would be accused of abandonment and maybe lose some rights so I stayed. The bathroom unfortunatly was at the other end of the house and I had to brave the journey. I tried not to when he was home. That was how he got me. After, I was in shock, I was bruised and in shock. ...I can't go there
anyway I have never told my children this. I DID however tell them the truth about their father's activity that was the final straw, (before the rape) that lead to the divorce precedings. He had an orgy in a limosoine with 3 prostitutes. After years of emotional and psychological abuse that was it for me. (I had to stress about HIV too-he had unprotected sex with the prostitutes) Their father told everyone I divorced him because I fell in love with another man. I wanted the children to know the truth. They were teenagers at the time. I don't regret it.
They still have a relationship with their father but they see him for who he is. Their relationship with me is based on love, the relationship with thier father is based on money. He caused us all pain and as I stated before the loss of peace and time with my children is the only grief I mourn.
My advice is to keep reaching out to your sons in unconditional love. Even if they reject you over and over again. Don't take it personal, keep trying. Pray for the future when they will understand. If you give them no cause to condemn you, eventually they will stop doing it.
I'm really sorry for your pain, it is the worst pain a mother can bear. But hang in there. I'm pretty sure it will get better for you. Instead of trying to prove your ex to be the ass that he is, face the rejection as I said and continue to reach out in unconditional love to your sons.
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J-ex-W
Kate---- HOW HORRIBLE!!!! (((((((((((((((((((((KATE)))))))))))))))))))))))))) I have no words.
If you give them no cause to condemn you, eventually they will stop doing it.
Here is the kicker: The fact that I have stopped going to meetings IS the first and foremost thing they condemn about me. Everything else takes a back seat to that. So, really, for me to 'give them no cause to condemn me,' I would have to start going to the KH again, and out in service, and listen to the WT's 'wisdom' about wifely subjection to JW bastard husbands like my ex (who, of course, is in good standing). ...But you know what that's all about.
Did anyone see that I'm asking now about whether I should send an article on Parental Alienation Syndrome? Is that 'neutral' enough, but still something to get a point through (because, honestly, I don't anticipate having next contact with my kids for years to come, if ever, especially if I sit back and do nothing). They are all very active--in fact, my 18-yr-old is about to have a part onstage at his circuit assembly in February. They are very well-trained---by me--and it's coming back to bite me in the a**.
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wednesday
YES LET THE COURT DO IT-if possible
That was what I was trying to say, let the COURT TELL THEM If you can bring an action to publicly expose him, his sons will have to know. You won't be telling them gory details, but it will be out in the open.
I still believe, that with guidance from a therapist, there may be a way to tell them what he has done, but in a way that will not nasty images in their minds.
I wish you the very best.
You are a brave woman and doing something that some many women in the Org. should do.
Have you called BILL BOWEN for advice and help? He runs slientlambs.org and they not only deal with incest, rape but battered spouses. He may be able to help you. Go to the site, there is an 800 number listed. He has resources. ie, he knows people.
Its so hard to do the right thing and it is so lonely and the rewards can take so long. but since you know what you do, don't give up You may save another young woman. Stop these predators.
I am so proud of you.
Please call BILL He can be a good friend.
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J-ex-W
Wednesday------------ Thank you so much!!! I had no idea silentlambs handled anything but the pedophilia thing. I've even looked at their website. I will take your advice and check it out again.
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Apostate Kate
What I meant is you will not do anything against them that they can condemn you for. Right now they are JW's, tomorrow they may not be.
When I say keep reaching out I mean by email, visits if and when possible, snail mail, phone calls, etc. You will be rejected. But a mother's love will keep you going. Never give up. Send cards, pictures, little gifts.
On the parental alienation syndrome I'm not sure if you should send it or not. Follow your heart on that. Kids don't always see the situation clearly. Not sure if it would help or not.