Let it rip, or hold my tongue? What would you do?

Confession

The basic scoop: My best JW friend from Michigan came into org with his wife when he was about 26 (he's about 45 now.) He loved the org, but, aside from being a really cool and interesting guy, he also suffered from depression quite a lot. More than 10 years ago he approached me about anti-JW stuff he found online. He became a pretty "spotty" meeting attender--then he and his wife and girls moved to Arizona (around 3.5 years ago.) I'd heard he wasn't attending too many meetings.

Then I went through my Watchtower "awakening" about 2.5 years ago, moving to California about 1.5 years ago. I got his number and called him, trying to feel him out about his stance on the org now. Turns out he was still with the program and attending meetings, and he was "bummed" that I was no longer. Next, I move to Arizona about 5 months ago, but I decided not to contact him. However, while my daughter was working at Starbucks a few weeks ago, guess who walks in and recognizes her? Yessiree. And if this chance meeting in the country's fifth largest city seems coincidental to you, how about this? He and his family now live in precisely the same, growing little town where I live--about 4 miles away from my house.

So he called me last week, and we talked about everything but the JWs. We're going to have lunch this Thursday. ALSO: his depression seems to be in full swing. He mentioned how one of his neighbors died recently. He was put in the position to stay with the body until the ambulance arrived, and this has thrown him into really dark fears about death. (He used to get like this years ago.) I was glad to hear he's seeing a therapist regularly--after quite a few years of not feeling like one was unnecessary.

I can't wait to see my old buddy, but I'm wondering what it's going to be like. I mean not talking about the WTS is going to be like ignoring the elephant in the living room. What would you do?

looking_glass

What elephant, I don't see no elephant. I say keep ignoring. If you have other things to catch up on, do so. If he brings it up, do what I do and say right now I am at a cross road and am trying to figure things out on my own. Thanks for being concerned though and artfully change the subject.

Confession

That's so interesting, Looking Glass. It shows how different ex-JW perspectives can be. I know that many here prefer to avoid the subject and any accompanying scrutiny, but I'm of the opposite mind. I want as many people to know what I've come to see as possible. I've told my mother and soon intend to tell more. None of my family has spoken to me in close to one year, already calling me an "apostate." So I think the toothpaste is out of the tube.

I really want to talk to him about it; the only reason I wouldn't is because I don't want to aggravate his depression.

looking_glass

Ahhh - as you pointed out to each of us comes our own resolution and approach, hence, what is your friend's. If you are feeling him out so as to not aggro his depression, you never know the other Pandora's box that might open w/o evil intent.

I mean not talking about the WTS is going to be like ignoring the elephant in the living room. What would you do?

So in asking this question, what is YOUR motivation? Because based on your response to my prior post, you have already made up your mind and are not seeking a "what would you do"? So in your mind's eye, how does the mtg w/ the friend play out and what is the end result?

And yes, I am of the "don't ask, don't tell" approach to life - at least when it comes to jw's that is my approach.

MeneMene

Hi. Maybe it's too much to hope for but it has been 1.5 yrs since you talked to him about JWs, right? Maybe finding out you are out helped him re-think his position. Maybe he's out himself by now.

I am not a confrontational person so I would probably ignore the elephant at least the first visit or two. Just catch up and enjoy his company - unless he brings it up.

Confession

So in asking this question, what is YOUR motivation? Because based on your response to my prior post, you have already made up your mind and are not seeking a "what would you do"? So in your mind's eye, how does the mtg w/ the friend play out and what is the end result?

My motivation in seeing him? Because he was my best friend for years.

Already made up my mind? No, but I'm close.

Not seeking a "what would you do?" Um, yes I am.

How do I see this meeting playing out? At this point I've decided that I will avoid discussing the WTS--but that I will do so if he asks. I will only reveal all I've learned if he's persistent. While I've considered that doing so might make him more depressed, it's also possible that his association with the WTS is contributing to his depression. I intend to give him simple answers, but will let his attitudes and responses guide me into anything beyond that. If he avoids any WTS discussion, I will too.

While the above is what I intend, I thought I'd share this upcoming meet (the only one I've ever had with a former JW friend) with the forum, and get your thoughts.

looking_glass

Best of luck to you, I am sure it is stressful - at least the fantasy of what can go right/wrong with the evening.

Confession

Hi Mene Mene... Actually it's been nine months since I talked to him on the phone. And it's certainly possible that he's left, but his two girls (ages 9 and 8) may be keeping him in mentally too. Honestly, I think right now he's just concentrating on dealing with his depression. So I'm going to be as understanding of this as possible.

Highlander

I suggest letting him bring the j-dub subject on his own. You recognize his depression and are showing sympathy to it, so I would continue with that theme and leave it alone.

He'll bring it up when he's good and ready and then you can thoughtfully(as you always do) discuss it with him.

Highlander

BTW, how do you enjoy Arizona so far? I'm in Los Angeles area and am considering a move there as well.

Let it rip, or hold my tongue? What would you do?

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