Would an apology be enough? (page 3)

Big Tex

Interesting thoughts. Now I'm waffling towards a "leave me alone" attitude. Maybe I'm more conflicted than I thought!

Reading through everyone's posts, I'm left with the thought that to commit a crime of this nature is an extremely selfish, self-absorbed one. Yes there is violence and pain, but the offender doesn't care about that, only what he wants at that time. And for him to come back years later into the victim's life is again an extremely selfish act, unless he is truly sincere and willing to face whatever happens.

As Lady Lee points out, this creep's behavior is not what the 12 steps are about. If you choose to follow that recovery path (an excellent one by the way; it helped me quite a lot 20 years ago), then you need to follow it and not half-ass it. Especially if you brutally assaulted someone then, I think, you do whatever is required of you to help that person heal.

Restrangled and hubby: Thanks, I didn't know this was on Dateline. I'll keep an eye out for it.

big tex--Even thought I hadn't posted much at lamb's roar, and silent lambs, I have followed your posts (and others). I thank you for sharing.....you have helped me alot!

Thanks Shelley. I haven't posted much either, for a lot of different reasons, so we're in the same boat. But I've been home sick this week so I'm trolling around here 'cause I can finally hold up my head without the room spinning!

Thanks BL.

Chris

avidbiblereader

Hey BigT,

Apologies are nice when sincere or if you really need it to move on, I suffered abuse beyond what most would ever believe, I never recieved an apology from my abusers as a child, so after going through therapy, I realized that I would MOST likely never recieve one, I have moved on and came across this interesting saying.

"Forgiveness is such a selfish act, as it brings more benefits to the forgiver than then the forgiven".

I now feel sorry for those who have abused me through out the years whether I get an apology later or not. I would hate to live in their minds or have their hearts.

abr

onacruse

Hi Chris. As you and I have discussed, I rarely post to threads about abuse, as I am unqualified to offer any kind of empathetic understanding.

But insofar as you've presented this aspect of the topic, I would say:

1) An apology can never be enough for the victim, because it will never undo the damage. "I'm sorry I killed your son...is it OK now?" We're not talking about "I'm sorry I used harsh words with you last night."

2) An apology can never be enough for the victim, because the absolution (as someone above said) that they seek cannot be achieved simply by uttering a phrase. That's why some crimes are classed as misdemeanors (against things, which can be repaired or replaced), and some are felonies...and a judge listening to some sobbing apology by a convicted felon frequently disregards the display as meaningless, in view of the irreversible damage that the person has done to another human being.

Therefore, insofar as the closest thing that has happened to me can relate, my feelings are: The fellow can just go **** himself and die, and I will dance on his grave.

Craig

Big Tex

Howdy Craig.

Yeah I don't think an apology, by itself, would work. I think to have invaded someone and hurt them to this degree there are no magic words or phrases to "make it okay".

The closest I ever got was one time my paternal grandmother spent the day telling me all sorts of stories about my father and then at the end, with tears in her eyes, she said, "I'm really sorry for what happened to you." That meant a lot. It didn't change anything, but to have someone notice the pain was about the best I was going to get.

I guess that's why I started this thread. Because just trying on the idea, I really don't know what, if anything, my father could do. I mean if magic/Jehovah/a genie/whatever changed him, the only thing I can think of is for him to be honest. By that I mean, tell me the truth about all that happened.

But I guess that's what it would take for all of us isn't it? The offenders would have to change completely and not be who they really are.

onacruse

But I guess that's what it would take for all of us isn't it? The offenders would have to change completely and not be who they really are.

Yes, and I should add: Against my better judgment, I did meet with my "abuser" and allow him to apologize...and in virtually the same breath he in not so many words said that I was the one who was responsible for what happened. And, yes, I accept fair blame for my own stupidities, but the apology was supposed to be about him, not an opportunity for him to yet further humiliate me.

I found out later that the only reason he wanted to "apologize" was because he knew that the elders would ask him if he had done so, as a condition for his reinstatement.

Subsequent events (which I will not elaborate here), demonstrate that he was a heartless bastard then, and he remains a heartless bastard.

lonelysheep

It would never be enough because the damage is already done and cannot be lightened with those words or even the knowledge that the abuser feels badly inside for what they have done. I would still beat the livning $hit out of my uncle if he ever were in front of me.

LongHairGal

I saw that dateline show about this girl who got the apology from her rapist.

The impression I get from this and all the other horrible stories I have heard throughout my life is that men have either (1) no feelings or concern about anybody they violate; (2) they feel a tremendous sense of entitlement to sex from anybody they desire whether this be a girl/boy or woman and (3) they feel they will never be accountable or suffer any consequence for any harm done to their victim.

These things may vary depending upon the culture the man comes from.

LHG

Big Tex

he was a heartless bastard then, and he remains a heartless bastard.

You know I'm coming around to thinking that once a heartless bastard, forever a heartless bastard. I'm really starting to try on the idea that people, men or women, don't/can't/won't change from one extreme of the Bell curve of human behavior to the middle and actually develop compassion and empathy.

that men have either (1) no feelings or concern about anybody they violate; (2) they feel a tremendous sense of entitlement to sex from anybody they desire whether this be a girl/boy or woman and (3) they feel they will never be accountable or suffer any consequence for any harm done to their victim.

To be fair, the cruelest of all my abusers was female. Your three points fit my mother perfectly. A sexual offender can be of either gender.

Frannie Banannie

the only thing I can think of is for him to be honest. By that I mean, tell me the truth about all that happened.

Big Tex, I don't really believe they can be. I think their memories of what they've done are skewed in their own favor and less in behalf of their victim(s). Probably why that woman's perp allowed himself to cut a deal.

But I guess that's what it would take for all of us isn't it? The offenders would have to change completely and not be who they really are.

You're right, BT. An apology wouldn't be enough. There aren't enough words to mend all the broken lives and relationships resulting from their actions.

Frannie

stillajwexelder

an apology is not enough but its a start

Would an apology be enough?

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