Do you ever just feel like crying? (page 3)

anewme

Dear Bumble Bee, I think you and your husband need to have a heart to heart talk.
My first husband and I knew each other since our teens, both of us JWs and very inexperienced with the opposite sex, and neither of us were close to our parents and so there was no one to discuss problems with when they came our way in our marriage.

I used to store all these little grievances in my heart as you are doing. The disappointment of anniversaries was very big on my list too. As witnesses we are taught any attention to the marriage or to husband or wife was practically creature worship! How sad for us that we took that bad counsel to heart and treated each other as comrades, or barracks buddies! Our love life dwindled and my heart grew cold as stone towards the love of my life.

If only, if only, if only I knew then what I know now.

A woman has need for attention! There I said it! I used to feel so guilty for feeling that. But heck, it is true! We need to feel loved and desired and the man better find a way to make us feel it or he will lose us for sure! And the same is true of the man! He needs to feel desired and wanted and respected and needed.
The successful couple learns how to make each other feel loved and needed.
There are many ways to do that. Now there are books out that speak about the many things people translate as love....
1. Gifts....some people do not feel loved if you dont give them a gift
2. Touch....other people do not feel loved unless you touch them
3. Service....some people do not feel loved unless you do things for them
4. ?
5. ?
sorry, I forget the last two. But the point is everyone has at least one or two love needs. And you and your husband might have different love needs. The important thing is to recognize the other's particular love needs and fill it.

Now my first husband his needs were Service. He did not feel loved unless I performed certain household and religious duties. Mine on the other hand were Touch, gifts, and Time spent with me.
If I had known about Love Needs we might have had some conversations which could have saved our marriage.

My new husband definitely is a No. 2 guy. But that fits with my needs too! Time spent together is very important to both of us. We dine together every night by candlelight. (I only once got my first husband to eat by candlelight in 20 years.) The romance was important to me. But not to him. He made so much fuss about not being able to see his damn dinner that he ruined that evening. I never tried again to put on a romantic dinner.

Please Bumble Bee, the effort to save your marriage is so much easier than the years of tears and regret over letting it go without a fight.
Talk with your husband about your needs. Get that book Love Needs and read it together! If he loves you, and I suspect he does, he will respond and you will be the happiest of women Bumble Bee!!!

Anewme

anewme

sorry. double post.

DJK

Anewme says it very well. One very important word there is communication. Anewme, you sound like someone I knew when I was a JW. A young lady I had a crush on went through her first marriage just like that.

Quandry

Hope things look better in the light of day for you. I have been married for over thirty years. My husband once got me a new iron for our anniversary. Ha!! The look on my face must have said it all. Every once in a while I remind him and we laugh.

I truly think he was clueless. He was just trying to think of something practical to save me some labor.

We have stuck it out, and I have learned to overlook--as I know he has too. I am the middle of the tube toothpaste squeezer but for years he never told me how it drove him crazy--he just flattened out the tube. Finally we got separate tubes and every once in a while of course, I have to flatten mine. I know he loves me and I am so glad we are on the "same page" with our thinking about the Borg. We are definitely friends, and friends stick with each other.

bikerchic

anewme very nice post!

4. ?
5. ?

Perhaps the two missing on your list are:

4. Time. Spending quality one on one time just the two of you having fun putting all other things aside or maybe doing some chore together because two can do it faster than one plus you share so much of yourselves when you pull together to solve/fix or otherwise do a mundane job.

5. Talk. Saying the little I love yous every day in every way goes a long way. Make it a habit to start your day off with "I love you because..."

BB I hope you have a lovely dinner tonight and thoroughly enjoy the time with your friends.

Bumble Bee

Those are some great suggestions, thanks everyone.

bikerchic, we had a really wonderful dinner.

My hubby bought me a dozen red and a dozen white roses. The card had a picture of a man poking his head out of a dog house saying "can I come out now?" How can I say no to that??!! lol

BB

misanthropic

((((((BumbleBee))))))) It sounds you had several things going on and not feeling appreciated on top of it was the straw that broke the camels back. I've been there and know how awful that feels.

I'm glad you ended up having a nice time, you deserve it.

bikerchic

bikerchic, we had a really wonderful dinner.
My hubby bought me a dozen red and a dozen white roses. The card had a picture of a man poking his head out of a dog house saying "can I come out now?" How can I say no to that??!! lol

Awe, see he really does wub you!

Who are you?

To pick up where both anewme and bikerchic left off

I filmed and put together a training DVD that an Author/Therapist/Lecturer named Dr. Gary Chapman did for the people who train military chaplains around the world. As you can imagine, the stresses that the military families are immense. It stresses communication.

It followed the same type of format that the women mentioned. This link goes into more detail. Don't be put off by his "Christian" background, he is far from preachy, lots of common sense. Even if you don't get the book, his website makes for some good reading.

http://www.fivelovelanguages.com/learn.html

My personal recommendation from loving and fighting with restrangled for 27 years is to talk about the really important issues at non-volatile moments. The scenes of us going to a restaurant and going at it tooth and nail after consuming large quantities of alcohol were probably quite entertaining for the surrounding tables, but didn't really accomplish much other than a great lead up to make up sex. Discussing important issues over breakfast, is maybe a less volatile atmosphere. You catch my drift. Please don't underestimate the power of passion. How pissed off you are, probably has a direct relation to the love and passion that you feel. When your feeling nothing is the time to worry.

r's hubby

Q. Bert

Overlooking. Hopefully with a great scene in front of you both, arms around each other. The smile. The touch. The simple things in life are free.

Do you ever just feel like crying?

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