You have got to do what you feel is right. No one else can make that decision for you. Good Luck with your reinstatement and your eventual fade.
Guilt over how I acted when I was disfellowshipped-moment of weakness
by Shawn10538 36 Replies latest jw experiences
-
-
sspo
Do what's best for you right now and don't worry about the people on this board that have bitter feelings against 6.5 million JW.
Many JW are very happy doing what they are doing just like many other nasty religions out there that also claim to have the truth.
After 31 years as a JW, I see it's not the "truth" that i beleived but at the same time i will not judge anyone if they feel it serves a purpose for them
and they feel truly happy in being associated with " God's people" and doing all that is required of them.
I hope all will go well for you in what you decide.
-
Warlock
In my opinion, there is no shame in having to, or needing to, go back to the JW'S. You already know why you are going back and what you are getting into.
You need to do what you think is good for you and your peace of mind. You may end up finding out you really don't need them at all. Who knows.
Whatever you do, good luck.
Warlock
-
juni
Hi Shawn,
I can relate to what Rebel8 said to you about people going back to something they left because of the fear of being alone. I did it w/my husband and I so regret it Shawn. I'm unhappy because basically people do not change. It's hard to be "with" someone yet feel alone.
You have to choose for yourself. No doubt at first you will be welcomed back w/open arms and you're going to feel real good. Then things start becoming routine and you will not experience the same "love bombing" as some have described it.
But in the end, you have to live your life and be responsible for your own happiness. I wish you the best.
Peace,
Juni
-
Cold Creek Swimmer
If family is so important, as it is with many, then get back in and then fade. At least then you can have the family and leave on your terms. You will then be free to pursue other friendships away from the borg while keeping contact with the family. Move to another hall and let them believe you are still regular. I am in a similar situation. My family on both sides(mine and my wife) including my wife, are still dubs. I don't go unless out of town with family that is going. I only go to assemblies and the occasional meeting. Causes a little stress at home, but not enough to make me go back. It is not really that hard to do. Most dubs want to believe you are doing well-so let them think what they want. They will anyway. Singlemindedness toward their beliefs is the only thing they are good at. So if they believe you are doing well, then life is good.
As for your actions while out, get back in and apologize profusely for those actions. That would not be a lie. It sounds as if going back would be your best bet until you are strong enough to face the reality that is the dubs: Their whole belief system is based upon a fabrication and nothing short of divine intervention will ever make them go away. As long as there are unhappy people looking for a way out of their bad life, there will be dubs. The more convinced they are about how bad the world is, the stronger their faith in the WTBS.
I'll get off of my soapbox now.
CCS
-
anewme
When my head cleared I too felt the need to apologize for my wild behavior post-df. So I did!
I sent a heartfelt letter to my ex mother in law and my ex, to my best girl friend and to my old congregation where I was dfd.
I apologized to Jehovah too and prayed for his help to lead a new and clean life.
But I did not go back to the religion that made me crazy in the first place. -
AK - Jeff
This goes against my best instincts - just another point of view in the matter.
Go get reinstated, if you must. Go make peace with the family. Then, without the raving that caused the guilt, tell them, in detail and with careful forethought, why you now leave, and never return. Tell them you love them unconditionally, and forever, but a Lie is a Lie.
If this is the only way to assuage the guilt, and get the opportunity to speak with them [and it might be that], and you feel the need. Then do it that way. Then make peace with yourself and get on with life in reality.
Jeff
-
SPAZnik
How about apologizing one on one (rather than through an organization) if there are individuals you feel you slighted on your journey through life. No grovelling required. Other people are made of the same dust you are. Just thank them for being there and putting up with you while you were experiencing (and mishandling?) some extreme emotions or misrepresenting your thoughts in some way (if they/you were and did). Assure them you are more aware now (to whatever extent you are) and then behave that way.
People (I mean individuals, not so much political organizations out to dominate) are often quick to forgive when you genuinely acknowledge your awareness. We've all made mistakes and know how hard it can be to acknowledge them. It's easy to respect a person that does so.
Start from there. Then, gradually, over time, build new memories.
But don't abandon yourself to guilt. Part of keeping a balanced perspective involves remembering that you didn't do EVERYTHING poorly (as tunnel vision might suggest). Take some time to look for, honour, remember and build on what things you did WELL as well.
It sounds like there was something legitimately unhealthy about the relationship with that organization for you to have gone through such a difficult traumatic experience. I'd hate to see you go back to an abusive relationship only to repeat old patterns, especially perfectionism. There must have been a reason you left, has that reason changed or become more manageable?
I can respect your exercise in humility. I don't think you're crazy at all. (And would advise against putting those kinds of insulting thoughts in people's heads). You know, there is an old "law" that said "love your neighbor AS YOURSELF". Don't be afraid to show Yourself a little compassion. The better you treat yourself the better you will be able to treat others. As a wise guy once told me, "you can't hurt yourself without hurting others" (and conversely, 'you can't hurt others without hurting yourself').
Give yourself some credit for wanting to make peace. There's another saying "if you find your brother has something against you to leave your gifts at the alter and go make your peace with him". (Though others may not have done that with you, it would appear you are ready to do that with them, though still hiding behind that organization somewhat rather than stepping up on your own.) Nothing crazy about making peace. Though the process can appear/feel that way sometimes. :)
I hope you will find a healthy balance and learn to stand up for yourself and the various positions you find yourself in and gain the support of those around you toward doing the things in your heart.
I wish you didn't feel you had to go from one gut-wrenching extreme to the other in so doing. I hope you enjoy healthy happy mediums along your path, whatever your decisions. -
sinis
I am hoping someone here can offer some wisdom on how I can deal with my guilt. When I was disfellowshipped a few years ago I acted like a maniac afterwards. I did and said things to my then girlfriend and other witnesses that I truly regret. The rage I felt at the betrayal I felt the borg was giving me was truly intense. I felt like the gates of hell were opened in my heart and all the bile I had stored up for all those years at Bethel and in the full time service came pouring out and I vented on everyone bearing the name JW, even long time friends and family members. Right noe I am looking for redemption and even attending meetings in an effort to come to peace with it all. I still fell rage at all the lies but I figure making myself go through the reinstatement process will be a good way to learn the lesson of humility. I know you all here will think I'm crazy, and maybe I am. But the pain of being separated from my family is not easing even after all these years. Actuall I feel the pain more now than ever. I'm just not strong enough to be alone out here. I need family around me to feel safe. There are reasons why so many people go back to cults once they are exited, and why people join known cults in the first place. A sense of belonging. I'll never again actually believe in the "Truth" but it seems the lesser of two evils at this point in my life. I am failing at college, teaching and almost everything I try. I was good at being a witness once upon a time and happy once too. I need that happiness back. I am not finding it all alone by myself. Thoughts appreciated.
Yes, let it go! Here are my thoughts... YOU were only given X amount of hours in life. You initially invested UNWISELY with the JW's. You have made a "withdrawel" from the JW time bank, and have X amount of time credits left. Re invest in what YOU want out of life. Do not be suckered back into the ponzi scheme. It hurts when you don't have family, but what kind of family would turn its back on blood? Show you family that you don't need them. Find other friends, quality in nature, who care about you. Show your family that when worldly people care more for you then them, that that becomes a sad day. Go to school, pursue an activity, dream, fantasy, whatever... just reinvest back in yourself. Buy some new clothes, find new friends, find a nice girl, etc. These are ALL moves in the RIGHT direction.
Once again, do not get suckered back in. If you do, YOU will regret it. I just told my friend of the last 20 years who is a JW, that he needs to think outside the box. I told him to pursue what he wants in life, not what others think you need. I also told him that time is nonrefundable, and that every generation thinks its the last - what makes our century any different? Nothing!!!! I told him that when I have used my time wisely, and his foolishly, that we will have this conversation again on our death beds, and I will remind him how he invested unwisely. At that point there is NOTHING you can do, its too late.
You may feel guilt, I know I did when I left. But you have to move on. Life does get better, its what you make of it. Life is NOT what others say you need to do. Its what you choose to do. Like I said, your first move is to gain some good, quality friends, either at work or enroll in some classes at the local college. Contrary to what the JW's say, life is greener on the other side... Hope that helps.
-
asleif_dufansdottir
I am failing at college, teaching and almost everything I try. I was good at being a witness once upon a time and happy once too. I need that happiness back.
Yeah, well, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. Just because you're remembering your time as a JW with some sort of rosy glow and forgetting how miserable you were at the last (which made you leave in the first place) doesn't mean going from the frying pan back into the fire is an improvement.
This is gonna sound harsh. So you failed at college and teaching (how are you teaching if you failed at college?). So do lots of people who were never JWs. Life is hard, nobody said it wasn't. People screw up. People fail sometimes even when they don't screw up. Plenty of people who have never even heard of JWs have hard lives, and no family. Everything you're going thru now is not going to be made easier just by returning to a screwed up religion and conditional relationships.
Trust me. EVERYBODY wants to just give up and 'ditch it' at one or more points in their lives. In fact, that's what leads plenty of people to become JWs in the first place. But that doesn't solve anything...it just gives you a whole crapload more to deal with (expectations, people's attitude about someone who was DF'd, superiority, meeting attendance, field service, pressure, pressure, pressure). You're not dealing with the pressures of real life well and you want to *add* the pressures of being a JW and that's going to be an improvement? How, exactly, does that work?
The only answer is to just live your life and do the best you can and deal with what gets dealt to you. If you're not happy now you're not going to be happy desperately trying to pretend that being a JW is a good thing and you really like it.