Fred,
Didn't Jesus say that "you are my diciples if you do what I am commanding you"? Did he not command us to drink his blood and eat his flesh? So, how is it that you consider yourself "part of his belongings" since you decline to do as he asked you to do?
Could it be that someone other than him told you to do differently? Is that someone greater than he? Did not He say that his sheep would listen to HIS voice and no other? I am so sorry that you were disfellowshipped. It only reinforces the illusion of righteousness the WT projects. I know they made you feel like a special kind of sinner. The truth is that only the Son can set you free. You'll have to go through him to get to the Father.
I know it doesn't seem right but the truth of the matter is that how you feel about yourself, your destiny and your relationship to God is really irrelevant. Do you think that Peter felt like a king or a priest after he denied his Best Friend three times? Of course not. What about Judas? He felt pretty bad too didn't he? However one man received the key to the kingdom and the other went out and hung himself. What was the difference in the two men?
A prayer was the only difference. Not just anyone's prayer though. Jesus told Peter that Satan had demanded for God to hand him over for him to be"sifted like wheat". Jesus told him to not worry though because he had interceeded on his behalf and prayed for him. That made all the difference in the world. The victory my friend doesn't belong to him who runs, but to him that grants it....get it?
You may not feel like a king or a priest or going to heaven, but the truth of the matter is those issues are out of your hands anyway. Don't let the WT play off your emotions and keep you from approaching the Son directly just because they appear righteous and tell you not to. People are righteous who God grants them to be. Pray for the Son to interceed for you and just let God take you where he may.
I have identified four scriptures that I believe describe the JW experience in a nut shell and what has happened to you.
The Lie (Matt. 24: 25-27 The Complete Jewish Bible)
“There! I have told you in advance! So if people say to you, `Listen! He's out in the desert!' don't go; or, `Look! He's hidden away in a secret room!' don't believe it. For when the Son of Man does come, it will be like lightning that flashes out of the east and fills the sky to the western horizon.” – Jesus
The Effect (John 5: 39-40 The Message)
“You have your heads in your Bibles constantly because you think you'll find eternal life there. But you miss the forest for the trees. These Scriptures are all about me! And here I am, standing right before you, and you aren't willing to receive from me the life you say you want.” – Jesus
The Solution (Galatians 2: 17-21 The Message)
“Have some of you noticed that we are not yet perfect? (No great surprise, right?) And are you ready to make the accusation that since people like me, who go through Christ in order to get things right with God, aren't perfectly virtuous, Christ must therefore be an accessory to sin? The accusation is frivolous. If I was "trying to be good," I would be rebuilding the same old barn that I tore down. I would be acting as a charlatan.
What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.” – The Apostle Paul
The Bottom Line (John 15: 5 New King James Version)
“Without me you can do nothing.” - Jesus