A former "Bethelite" JW's friend of mine wants to "Disassociate".

by booker-t 21 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Cellist

  We chose to fade. It wasn't for lack of courage, it was in fact the more difficult option. But it worked. We have never been shunned.
  
  Cellist
• 

  Paralipomenon

  You can't have courage to take a stand to disassociate yourself while lacking the courage to handle the reactions of the family.
  
  It's all in.
  
  More often than not, making a direct stand of disassociating oneself will usually provoke a stronger shunning from family members. That is why fading is recommended, though in the end the result is likely to be the same due to the "faith" of his family.
• 

  jgnat

  Lacking courage?

  I might also point out that the entire DA process is WT sponsored and managed. They use this process to justify the shunning, as the person has "voluntarily" removed themselves from association. Otherwise, why would elders hound the disaffected for something in writing? Those poor cheese and cracker men have forms to fill out, that's why! A fader messes with their system.

  In regular churches, people walk away all the time. One could just as easily say, "Fade, don't play their game. You don't owe them a reason."
• 

  Plummet

  Black Sheep likened the fade to walking a tightrope, however for me it feels more like a tightrope walk on a barbwire fence.

  

  No matter how careful you are, how fast or slow you go, every step in your fade will hurt, maybe even scar you. With each and every step you take another family member disowns you, another lifelong friend abandons you, another acquaintance shuns you. On this journey you may lose a marriage mate and children, you might have to leave behind parents and grandparents, you might forfeit aunts, uncles and cousins. The longer you have been in the "Truth", the further you have to travel, the more you have to endure. If the pain is too much to handle and you turn around and go back to them they will never treat you the same, you will always be remembered as the one that almost left. They will point at your sores and scars and ask how you could have treated them that way, when they are the ones that pricked you there. If you go back the doubts that lead you to the barbwire in the first place will never go away. However, there is hope for those that hang on, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.

  At the end of the Barbwire tightrope is something Witnesses will never have and can never get; freedom. There are also help. Many of the fine people on JWD, with their past experiences, stories, examples, words of encouragment and insight, can help you so much. Many of them don't know how much they help you with their posts that you spend days reading. They are all here for you to help you finish your journey. These fine people are also the best ones to help you make it across because they have scars too.

  A song that I like makes me think of my fade has the lyrics

  http://www.lyricsdownload.com/dj-tiesto-justbe-lyrics.html

  I was lost
  And I'm still lost
  But I feel So much better

  When I was fully active I didn't feel right, I felt lost and now that I am almost all the way out I still feel lost, I don't have all the answers, but I really feel a lot better.

  Plummet
• 

  AuldSoul

  The downfall of the WTS will require both DA/DF and faders. As it is, the WTS is becoming aware that they have built their house on sands and the winds are coming to test its foundations.

  Both stands require a kind of courage, the choice is more difficult (in my opinion) for those who try to influence from the inside. I have done both and I know which was harder for me. Once I had reached the point where I knew for sure that there was no hope for them to ever reform I had already gotten myself invited to a DF session judicial committee in the elder body where my father was PO. DA was, in my opinion, a more noble option.

  Respectfully,
  AuldSoul
• 

  Warlock

  His fears are justified and they will become reality.

  That's all he needs to know to take the next step, whatever that might be.

  Warlock
• 

  sspo

  Tell him to take it slow and just FADE
• 

  willyloman

  Nice post, plummet.

  On the issue of fade vs. DA, I think it's an individual decision based on case circumstances. This represents an evolution in my thinking; I am a "succesful" fader who used to believe that to send in a DA was just "playing by their rules." I've come to realize to DA may be the best and only solution for some. Either decision requires the courage of one's convictions.
• 

  blondie

  If you don't want any contact with your family, da'ing yourself should keep most of them away.

  If you want to keep some contact, I would try fading first. You can always DA later.

  Everyone's circumstances are different and I would not want to be as judgmental as an ex-JW as I was when I was a JW.

  I figure fading tends to be temporary anyway. You could find out that it's not worth it to maintain contact with your family. Or you may find they treat you as if you are df'd/da'd anyway as a fader.

  Personally, I don't want to play the WTS game of DA or DF. I have no desire to cast pearls before swine.

  Blondie
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  how many more will be hurt by this religion if we don't stand up and attack their foolishness openly and honestly not just on some web site where folks don't know who we all are. My goodness fellas, the JWs ARE wrong after all and they've destroyed thousands of families. Let's all resolve to stand up to the evil that is and then we may see those fence sitter join us; the journy of a thousand miles starts witht the first step.

  Fading has it's disadvantages, and I applaud any who walk away or DA or just allow the DF. But, to each his own.
  While it is them deciding to shun you, a person is free to try to avoid that. There are grandparents and children out there.

  Everyone has to choose their own path.