I have no mouth, and I must scream

under_believer

Please indulge a little whining.

I cannot get out. I cannot get out. I will be dragged to meetings for at least the next 20 years. I don't go out in service--I don't comment. I'm still on the School, for whatever reason. They assign talks (once, one of the highlights of my existence) to me every couple of months. I always find an excuse and skip those meetings. Last talk, I couldn't find a credible excuse and actually ended up going and giving the talk. It was a Bible reading, something meaningless from Jeremiah. It's been so long since I gave a talk, almost two years, that my kids didn't know what was even going on. My son said "you're going up on the STAGE?" For all of my many faults I am a good public speaker and it went "well."

I had my mind made up to tell the conductor that I was quitting the School "for a while." Was going to use depression as my excuse (which is true enough, in all conscience.) Afterwards he came up, beaming, and told me what a great job I did, and said he was looking forward to my next talk. He was being sincere. He meant it. I couldn't do it--I couldn't say the words I needed to say. I couldn't make him feel that way. He will keep assigning talks. And I will keep disappointing him, and my wife.

I can't lose my parents. I can't lose my wife. I can't lose my kids. This means I can't speak up. I can't say what I know to be true. I have to bite my tongue and listen to the ridiculous statements, the self-aggrandizing lack of humility, the propaganda. I have to shut my mouth and watch the refuse drain into my kids' heads, with my only mitigation the occasional dose of reason I feed to them under the table when my wife isn't watching.

She doesn't even care about most of the doctrine, just the "spiritual" connection to God, and her family. Even so the forces holding her there are stronger than anything I can muster. I am dying inside, I am desperate, three times a week I am in a foul mood dreading what is coming. Three times a week! Almost half of my days are bad days.

To speak up, to really speak up, would be to give up everything I hold dear. Losing my parents, my wife, my kids, would be worse than what I'm enduring right now.

I cannot get out. I will never get out.

Billzfan23

Whoa... Slow down there man. I know how you feel and there are others that can help as well. As your kids get older, they will see that this is all bunk - and who knows, your wife may also do the same some day. Why do you feel like you need to remain on the school - and why do you feel that you need to attend every meeting? I was conducting the school just 4 months ago and now I am almost completely inactive. I went too fast - I said too much and there may even be a judicial committee over it soon - but if you play it smarter than me you can be out with your sanity and WITHOUT these feelings of helplessness that you have now.

It is easy to say now that you will never break free but nothing can be farther from the truth. Just hang in there, and PM those select people who seem to relate to you and they will be of major assistance to you.

daystar

You may not like what I have to say about this. And I take no responsibility for any repurcussions.

This is one of the greatest battles you will ever fight, but you must, for your own integrity, to yourself, and if you believe in God, to Him. Nothing Real is gained without sacrifice.

If you do not fight, then you will be less than what you truly are within your heart of hearts. And that is a bright and shining star in the vast darkness. Do not let your light dim.

But if and when you do fight, acknowledge that it may be devastating for some time.

AuldSoul

((((UB)))),

You can choose a different way of looking at it. You are out in all the important ways. You are physically going through the motions of being in, but you are out. At the same time, you are giving yourself proof upon proof that your departure is for valid reason.

Do you have any doubt that you could be appointed an elder solely through applying yourself to the outward show of righteousness?

You could choose to see it as an opportunity to bank up many examples of why you have decided it is not "The Truth", both doctrinally and behaviorally.

Whatever you choose, I hope that it allows you as much peace as possible while saving you your family connections.

Respectfully,
AuldSoul

Confession

Hi Under...

I'm so sorry. I can relate to your predicament. I remember well the period in which I simply could not IMAGINE leaving the organization. Reading of others' having done so was often frustrating since I felt so many of them didn't have as much to lose as I.

I completely support you (and anyone else) who decides that staying in the organization for familial reasons is necessary. That said, I will also pose these challenging questions:

-Do you want your children to grow up, being able to use their minds freely and making their own decisions--or do you want them to grow up with the legalistic and authoritarian indoctrination that comes with being raised to believe the Watchtower Society is "The Truth"?

-Have you considered that very possibly your children themselves will be faced with this "crisis of conscience" at some point in life? That it may come after they've already taken the profound, organizational step of baptism? That it may come after they have created their own familial connections to others in this organization? That it may cause them the same degree of stress you yourself are experiencing?

I encourage you to ask--not "What is the path of least resistance," but instead "What is the right thing to do?" If you are torn apart by this conundrum, can you really let it all continue for the rest of your life? If deep down you want a change, I encourage you to read something that helped me a great deal through this enormously difficult time.

Jim Whitney's "My 6-Year Journey Out of the Watchtower."

And here specifially is his piece on "How I Helped My Family Leave Jehovah's Witnesses."

It made me laugh; it made me cry (particularly the first one--with its 18 chapters.) Further, it seemed to help me develop the gumption to do something so very difficult. I hope you get something out of it.

Best,

Confession

hopie

Two choices are always there for everyone, TO DO OR NOT TO DO !!!!!!

One must live according to ones own conscience.

You must analyze the outcome for each. If you do decide to take a stand for what you believe in, at first it might seem like all hell is breaking loose, but afterwards, will you be proud of yourself, and what about your children, and wife, will they be proud of you because you displayed strength for what you believed in? On the other hand, would you be more comfortable with your conscience by going another route to solve the problem.

No one should judge another for the decisions they make, God gave us a conscience to use, and we should only listen to it, and not to someone else's opinion.

Hopie

Crumpet

To speak up, to really speak up, would be to give up everything I hold dear. Losing my parents, my wife, my kids, would be worse than what I'm enduring right now.

I cannot get out. I will never get out.

I really feel for you. I don't think I could love someone enough to endure that for 1 year let alone 20. I think I'd quickly fall out of love with anyone who didn't care that I hated doing something and made me do it anyway - three times a week. You are a better man than me.

Your only hope is with your kids and to undermine and mitigate the damage being done so that they can leave. Once they go with your blessing then so can you with more ease.

rebel8

"Fake it 'til you make it"

= do it and the confidence will follow, instead of waiting for confidence to do it

LovesDubs

Whatever else you do honey DONT LET THOSE CHILDREN GET BAPTIZED!!

Now is the time for you to have a nervous breakdown. Im serious about this. Lose your appetite, cry at the drop of a hat, make an appointment to go see a psychiatrist and bring home a bottle of antidepressants. GIVE yourself the out to get off that school...to stop going to meetings....to withdraw. When your wife wants to know what the hell is going on with you...tell her you are tormented by having to live a life that doesnt reflect what your heart knows to be the truth. A little at a time. A little at a time. The Society contradicts themselves and causes enough termoil just by their demands on the flock without you ever having to reference anything but a watchtower publication as the cause of your crisis of conscience.

Im serious. Take all that pain, that angst that anguish you just showed up and SHOW IT TO YOUR FAMILY. You can do this without revealing "apostate thinking".

I DAd myself...I wish now I had just faded. I dont think they would have pursued me but whats done is done.

Just keep in touch with us here, we are your life line. There is hope.

hugs, LD

bluebell

Must be horrible :(

I have no mouth, and I must scream

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