by under_believer 33 Replies latest jw friends
My brave uncle, aunt and grandmother made the choice to leave about 25 years ago. I have since re-united with them and have a warm family relationship again.
Blood is thicker than water. Those old men in Brooklyn can not permanently break up your family.
But the road you have before you is a tough one. I recommend fading. I have done this carefully myself and have been able to maintain contact with family on both sides to some extent.
Life is short. Do not live in compromise.
The kiddos complicate your situation muchly.
You probably feel this way because you think you are powerless. If you've not read this here is a good link that might help you with your fam situation.
http://freeminds.org/psych/exithelp.htm
If you could follow the suggestions in the essay it might accomplish a few things for you.
1. You will be helping your fam see the truth about the truth and make their own descision
2. Your wife will think you are taking the lead
3. You will have a goal to work toward, making your time in this fake life more bearable.
Good luck
Matt
I especially care what my wife thinks. She already resents me because I have "put the spiritual headship burden all on her."
And looking at it from another angle, a couple of times I'm manufactured excuse after excuse to avoid the meetings. Sick, working late, bad traffic on my commute, etc. I have successfully missed most meetings for almost a month this way. And afterwards my son looks up at me with his huge doe eyes full of concern and says "Daddy, when are you going to come to meetings with us again?" They don't see someone trying to escape from a cult. They see a family routine activity they've known their whole lives which the father is suddenly not taking part in anymore. Their feelings of abandonment are not indoctrinated, they're honest reactions from vulnerable children.
Hi UB!
Really sorry your having a rough time.
OK,
1) Are you still religious? If so, then that first quote I pulled means that you aren't getting to teach your children what you believe about god. And, since they are your chindren, you should be able to teach them what you feel is right, not just what your wife feels is right. If you aren't religious anymore, then the same still holds true - you get to teach them about not being religious if you want. Your wife doesn't hold all of the cards here. As parents you both get to teach your kids about your beliefs. Please don't let your wife take that away from you. If your wife won't play by those rules, well - do I really need to pull out all the wt lines to help you turn the tables on her? You know all the wt crap on divided houshods, blah, blah. Use the wt info for your advantage for once. That stuff cuts both ways!
2) About that second quote I pulled....Stop and read that for a minute. Really. Read it again if you have to. It sounds like you are feeling guilty for having your own mind just because your kids don't understand. Knock it off will ya? You aren't doing yourself or your kids any favors by giving in to that behaviour (of the kids). Just tell the kids what's what. That you don't want to go to meetings and here's why...reason x, y, z. Not in adult terms ofcourse - do it in a way they will understand - but do it. Trust me when I say that kids are far tougher than to be permanently scarred because you don't want to go to meetings. If you truely don't want your kids in the borg, then showing them how not to be in it is the way to go.
Anyway, hope things get better for you.
Best regards,
LDB
You are never truly trapped.
So very true found!
Nvr
It's not as simple as "grow a set of balls."
No, it is not. You are a husband and a father. You love your family. They love you. You have something that is precious and many envy. Think long and hard before possibly giving it up.
That being said, why not try middle ground? Try to take at least one weekend a month to do something family, such as camping or a trip? That way, you will be getting away from the meetings but bonding as a family. Wife will appreciate you taking time for her and the kids. Your family can't help feeling the way they do about the WTS. You did too not so long ago. You did not change overnight, I would imagine.
Try little things to reason with your wife. Perhaps a well placed question here or there.
You realize the value of an education and will never toe the WT line of "keep them stupid and in service related jobs."
You have advantages. You have time. Plan slowly. You may be succesful in reasoning with the family little by little.
Yes, please do not allow the kids to get baptized.
I wish you success. You must make the decision that works best for you. You sound like a wonderful thoughtful person. Do not let others make up your mind for you and then do something you could regret for the rest of your life.
I can't lose my parents. I can't lose my wife. I can't lose my kids. This means I can't speak up. I can't say what I know to be true. I have to bite my tongue and listen to the ridiculous statements, the self-aggrandizing lack of humility, the propaganda. I have to shut my mouth and watch the refuse drain into my kids' heads, with my only mitigation the occasional dose of reason I feed to them under the table when my wife isn't watching.
I lost all this last year. I'm a better man for it and happy.
I understand the fear. You might try to ask seemingly innoculous questions that get your family thinking.
I shouldn't care what they think, but I do, so there it is.
So your the puppet and their the master. Nice to meet you.
I have no wisdom to offer you but to say, in other aspects of life, I am SO with you. Sometimes we do what we know is wrong for us when we can't figure out a better way. I feel for you. For what its worth, my thoughts are with you-and your family. I hope you will all find a way to escape soon.
Shelly
You DO NOT have to do any of those things!
You are free in your mind and you always will be. You can FADE while still in as long as you do it gradually and use your head!
This is what my husband did. People get used to small changes and accept them as they happen slowly. You do not have to lose your family over this as long as you take it all slowly.
Start with coming off the school.. Say the words that you want to say to the school conductor! I promise you that you will begin to feel better as soon as you do. Stand your ground. Then move on a month or so later to your next target, say, no FS! Then a few months later, start dropping Assemblys. Gradually work your way down your list. This is what my husband did very cleverly over several years and no one even noticed.
Finally, when he dropped the ultimate bombshell, that he wanted nothing more to do with the WTBTS, nothing had really changed for us. I had got used to 'his ways' and six months later followed him out.
He had never actually said anything before that about the WTBTS. He just gradually got us all used to the fact that he wasn't doing 'certain things' and wouldn't reply with anything except 'I don't want to' to any questions. He was bloody clever!!!
The thing is, he became kinder and more loving. Why would I leave him for the cold and heartless WTBTS. I made my choice and chose HIM>
Play the game cleverly! You might be suprised at the end results.
Take Care. Go Slowly. Be Clever. Be Loving to the ones you want to keep! Make NO COMMENTS at all on the WTBTS. Give your loved ones credit with the brains to gradually see who it is they really want to be with. It's a chance. But they may well choose you!
Good Luck!
By the way 'NO' is a very liberating word!
It's a thrill seekers word and it delivers the 'goods!'
I remember an elder telling my husband at a hall cleaning, while my husband was holding our new baby that he was to go outside and clean the car park and weed it, on his own.
My husband just looked at him and said: 'NO!' He sat down with the baby and looked after her!
We're still laughing at the look on that elders face now, even though I was rather shocked at my husband and a bit ashamed of him that he did not obey this star of the congregation. Now I KNOW who was the man and WHO was the STAR and it sure wasn't that dumb ass elder!!
