I have no mouth, and I must scream

by under_believer 33 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  Doubting Bro

  UB,

  Please know that you aren't alone. I could have written that post myself. I wish there was something I could say to make you feel a little better about the situation. There are many mornings I wake up disappointed that I woke up. I understand what you mean when you say that losing your wife & family would be worse that what you're going through now.

  The only thing that gives me even a glimer of hope is my child. Yes, he's being subjected to this crap now, but my mission in life is to give him the tools to do what I can't, break free. A few have mentioned the importance of making sure the kids don't get baptized. If they can make it to 18 without getting dipped, they will have a fighting chance of not having to deal with losing family and not having to be a JW.

  I guess I'm quite depressed today as well and probably shouldn't be commenting. But believe me, I can relate to your pain. I guess the way I look at it is that while my life has been wasted, it won't be a total waste if I can make it so that my son won't suffer the same. Nice religion, huh?
• 

  AK - Jeff

  I had my mind made up to tell the conductor that I was quitting the School "for a while." Was going to use depression as my excuse (which is true enough, in all conscience.) Afterwards he came up, beaming, and told me what a great job I did, and said he was looking forward to my next talk. He was being sincere. He meant it. I couldn't do it--I couldn't say the words I needed to say. I couldn't make him feel that way. He will keep assigning talks. And I will keep disappointing him, and my wife.

  Could you develop a good case of Tourette Syndrome? Unless he has a good Expletive Deleted Machine, he will drop you like a rock. Just one little roll on the stage of &*(^( )^%&( )) (&^$$& and he will not assign you again.

  Just a thought.

  Jeff
• 

  nvrgnbk

  Daystar said:

  You may not like what I have to say about this. And I take no responsibility for any repurcussions.

  This is one of the greatest battles you will ever fight, but you must, for your own integrity, to yourself, and if you believe in God, to Him. Nothing Real is gained without sacrifice.

  If you do not fight, then you will be less than what you truly are within your heart of hearts. And that is a bright and shining star in the vast darkness. Do not let your light dim.

  But if and when you do fight, acknowledge that it may be devastating for some time.

  Truth- every last word of it.
• 

  jaguarbass

  This isnt rocket science get a back bone and stop going to meetings.

  Obviously you are not that close to your wife or family as you do not have heart to heart conversations with them. So quit using them as an excuse. You don't know them and they don't know you.

  You just say I'm not going to the meeting tonight and when the magic hour comes and goes you sit in font of the tv or whatever else you do to pass your time. That's day one. Meeting two. Go to the top of this paragraph. Repeat for the rest of your life or until armegeddon comes.

  Have you ever seen the Wizard of Oz. If not maybe that movie can give you some inspiration. The governing body is the wizard. You pick who you want to be the tin man, the scarecrow or the lion. Your circuit servant can be the wiked witch. All the little evil munchins are the elders,ministerial servants and publishers, the good witch is your freedom.

  Now go see the wizard of brooklyn, before I tell your wife your playing on the computer.
• 

  nvrgnbk

  Obviously you are not that close to your wife or family as you do not have heart to heart conversations with them.

  True that jaguarbass. Don't mean to be insensitive underbeliever, but you could put some more effort into helping your family out. By attending, you're legitimizing their attending. Lead, at least the kids, by example. You can be both loving and firm. You have the strength within you, you just have to find it. Your kids may thank you for it in the not too distant future.

  Nvr
• 

  Brother Apostate

  I believe in doing what is right.

  Sometimes, that means doing what isn't popular.

  Sometimes, that means being hurt deeply.

  Sometimes, that means having to endure the worst you've ever experienced.

  Sometimes, that means thinking outside the box.

  Sometimes, that means acting on knowledge.

  Sometimes, that means taking the time to listen to your conscience.

  Sometimes, that means giving more than what (you think) you've got.

  Sometimes, that means facing the unknown.

  Sometimes, that means being patient.

  Sometimes, that means helping others, including your family, to stop living a lie.

  Always, that means living a real life.

  You are not living a real life now.

  Good luck on your journey into real life.

  BA- Good luck.

  PS- Use your cahonies if you've got them, man.
• 

  IP_SEC

  I can't lose my parents. I can't lose my wife. I can't lose my kids.
  Ya, ya can, ya jist dont think ya can. What daystar said.
  
  
  <script type="text/javascript">
  var d = stateofmind()
  var time = d.getsomeballs()
  
  if (time < 1914)
  {
  document.write("<b>Freedom</b>")
  }
  </script>
• 

  found-my-way

  UB,

  The above responders are right, you need to have a family meeting. explain your feelings, explain why you cannot go, how trapped you feel in this religion, that you dont want to lose your family....

  I know this is scary, you will work it out in your mind how you can best approach your family, your wife...

  maybe you can comprimise, maybe you can agree to go to sunday meetings only, and not give any more talks...that way the pressure is off for the time being, and then you can cut back on the sundays, till you are finally not going at all and your family accepts this as normal....

  just my two cents...I wish you all the best. I know how it feels to be trapped, but remember this: there are always options.

  You are never truly trapped.

  ~found
• 

  Hortensia

  "-Do you want your children to grow up, being able to use their minds freely and making their own decisions--or do you want them to grow up with the legalistic and authoritarian indoctrination that comes with being raised to believe the Watchtower Society is "The Truth"?"

  "Have you considered that very possibly your children themselves will be faced with this "crisis of conscience" at some point in life? That it may come after they've already taken the profound, organizational step of baptism? That it may come after they have created their own familial connections to others in this organization? That it may cause them the same degree of stress you yourself are experiencing?"

  I agree, my first thought was for your children. Be an example for them - if you don't believe, say so, without drama. Just pleasantly let your wife go to the meetings, let her take the kids, tell the kids when they are grown up they can make their own choice too. Tell the truth, man. If your kids see you can stand up for the truth as you see it, and still treat your wife with love and respect no matter how she reacts, it will be the best for their young minds...

  by the way, I'm OK with the drama, have indulged in some of my own recently.
• 

  under_believer

  Wow, a lot of varied responses. I appreciate all of the perspectives. Thank you.
  
  The thing is, I AM close to my wife. We have had a lot of conversations about this. She knows me and knows how I feel about the Witnesses, the Society, and everything else. Perhaps I have not made it explicitly clear how horrible meetings make me feel, but I think she can tell since I'm a huge grouch on those days, dreading what is to come.
  
  What I fear about the "not going anymore" approach is that she and everyone else in her congregation will see me as just another deadbeat dad who has abandoned his family spiritually. Word will get around (you know the rumor mill) and sooner or later all the people I grew up with will hear about it. Any time I run into anyone from my circuit, they'll know. Now, I won't be a deadbeat dad--but they will think I am. I shouldn't care what they think, but I do, so there it is.
  
  I especially care what my wife thinks. She already resents me because I have "put the spiritual headship burden all on her." She loves me, but the resentment is there under the surface. I am afraid it always will be. She's a beautiful, intelligent, vivacious woman who I love and don't want to lose. I guess my logic is that perhaps by playing along for a while, supporting her at the meetings (since we have three young children who are a handful), I might be able to prevent any bridges from being burned. Bridges that can be crossed later, to help her see what I know about the faith of our birth.
  
  And looking at it from another angle, a couple of times I'm manufactured excuse after excuse to avoid the meetings. Sick, working late, bad traffic on my commute, etc. I have successfully missed most meetings for almost a month this way. And afterwards my son looks up at me with his huge doe eyes full of concern and says "Daddy, when are you going to come to meetings with us again?" They don't see someone trying to escape from a cult. They see a family routine activity they've known their whole lives which the father is suddenly not taking part in anymore. Their feelings of abandonment are not indoctrinated, they're honest reactions from vulnerable children.
  
  It's not as simple as "grow a set of balls."