I feel like I need to spill my feelings. After lurking on the site, I realize my story is like many here. The reason I am feeling nervous is that I have not broken the news to my parents yet about my “inactivity” as well as my “standing” as to what I think about this whole thing. I wrote them a letter a few months ago and told them that I was slowing down “truthwise” and told them that I hoped that they did not think any less of me. That’s all I had told them and after a couple of phone calls and chatting on msn with our web cams, they came to the conclusion that I was having a depression. Very funny, but not true. I had been going to meetings for about 4 years with my two small kids alone because my husband was smarter than me and left the org soon after my last baby was born. I found it not too difficult for the first little while, but as time went on, and after a move out of the country, I began to find it really hard to make it to mtgs, service and whatnot. After feeling terribly guilty for not fulfilling my duties to the org, I started to realize that I didn’t have to push myself. I was stressing out for nothing. I started to listen, finally, to what my husband has been telling me all this time. I stopped mtgs altogether in January and had not been in service since May 2006. Once I made my mind up to stop, I instantly felt so much better. The last 3 months have been so stress free that I feel like I have a new lease on life. I am reconnecting with my sister whom I have not spoken to in over 14 years! She disassociated herself and moved very far away. As everyone knows, we were not allowed to contact her. Now that I am 32 years old and thinking for myself for the first time, I made a point to track her down. I know her and I have a long way to go as I am sure she is hurt after being abandoned after all this time by 6 other family members. I also have a brother whom I plan to find also. He was disfellowshipped and I have not spoken to him for 6 years. I hate what the organization has made us into. Where’s the love? This is not love when you push family members away when they most need you.
I have so much more to say, but I’ll keep this post short. Just felt like getting it off my chest. As much as I feel good about my decisions as of late, I am still a little nervous to tell my parents the whole truth. I did not go to memorial for the first time. My parents don’t know that yet. I assume I will not tell them everything , as I am sure that will get me in trouble with my local elders here. They have been at my door about every other day. I’m sure they are just trying to corner me, but I don’t want to play their game. I don’t think they have the right to df me as I am not a threat to anyone and have done no wrongdoing. As far as my parents go, there is always that little nagging in my head that tells me I am disappointing them. It’s weird and hard to explain, but don’t you always feel like you want to please your parents? I know I do, but I know that thinking for myself will get me further in life and give my kids a better life too.
Anyways, hope this wasn’t too boring for y’all. I know I always enjoy what I am reading here. I can relate to so much. Thanks for all the great posts and encouragement.