Getting nervous

by FourMs 26 Replies latest jw friends

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  avidbiblereader

  Welcome FourMs, glad that you joined and no story is too long when it is your intro to the forum, stick around and you will get plenty of advise on what to say and how to when it comes to your parents.

  As much as I feel good about my decisions as of late, I am still a little nervous to tell my parents the whole truth. I did not go to memorial for the first time. My parents don’t know that yet. I assume I will not tell them everything , as I am sure that will get me in trouble with my local elders here.

  Why do you feel the need to tell your parents at this age of 32? Unless they are paying all your bills, why do they need to know anything, No disrespect toward them or you. The Bible says, in Matt 19, this is why a man (woman) leaves his mother and father and they become one flesh. If they ask, you are more scripturally obligated to speak to your husband and answer to him as he answers to you. NOT THE PARENTS ANYMORE

  They have been at my door about every other day. I’m sure they are just trying to corner me, but I don’t want to play their game. I don’t think they have the right to df me as I am not a threat to anyone and have done no wrongdoing.

  Don't give any info out about yourself or intentions to anyone but here, they will use whatever they can to scare you into submission and going back.

  As far as my parents go, there is always that little nagging in my head that tells me I am disappointing them. It’s weird and hard to explain, but don’t you always feel like you want to please your parents?

  Parents know this and it is one of the things as humans that we go through life trying to please our parents and giving up things for ourselves in an endless pursuit of their approval.
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  bluebell

  I felt that wonderful free feeling when I eventually stopped going too. Its such a good feeling. Welcome to JWD
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  free2think

  Hi FourM's, welcome to jwd.

  Once I made my mind up to stop, I instantly felt so much better.

  I felt exactly the same way, although I am now fading, but as soon as I realised that it was all lies and stopped beleiving it was the troof I felt so much better and so free.
• 

  IsaacJS2

  FourMS,

  I have never been very close to my family, but the WTS served as a surrogate for a time. How sad is that?

  When I stopped going to meetings, people I'd never even met totally lost it. It was very surreal. A week went by, and suddenly my phone was ringing off the hook. I started getting 10-20 phone messages per day (before I lost the answering machine, that is). They'd find me at the dept store and "casually" ask why they hadn't seen me in so long. This wasn't long after the Society started pushing Elders to make shepherding calls, and there was some controversy over my past issues within the Body of Elders. So they took notice. Did I mention that I only live 3 mins from the Kingdom Hall?

  Yeah, zippity-do-da all the way.

  The worst of it faded after a couple of weeks. The Elders would stop by once in a while, and my old friends would happen by too...not to preach. They just wanted to get their time started or stopped! Now, I only see or hear from them whenever they get that "save him from himself" itch. I don't do the shameful silence thing any more when they do this. And they sure don't deserve it.

  I would like to make a suggestion for your future dealings with them. When they drop by to bonk you over the head, don't get upset or lose your cool. Don't just stand there, either. And whatever you do, don't plead your case or try to convince them that you are right. Aside from the fact that this will never work, it is also giving them what they want: power over you. If you try to plead your case, you are actually asking them to sit in judgment, which is partially what they've come there to do.

  When they "inform you" about what you "know" is right and try to guilt trip you, just try to answer their assertions in simple terms. Don't argue, just answer. Tell them what you think without seeking their approval. Make it clear that you aren't interested in their opinion, you are simply refuting their assumptions about you. These must be statements, not pleas for mercy or understanding. And try smiling patiently at them while you indulge them their temper tantrums. It will actually help. And if they get upset, good. Just keep your cool so they'll remember how calm and confident you were, and how desperately awful they behaved. It's the only thing I've ever found to work with them. You'll keep your dignity and shake them up just a bit.

  I've been there, and I'm writing an article on Austin Cline's atheist site on this very thing. I guarantee no shortage of people here will help you get through it as well.

  IsaacJ
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  FourMs

  Thanks so much everyone. I am trying to word things in my head how I’ll tell my parents without getting into too much detail. They have to understand that I feel so good about leaving and free of stress. I think that right there has to say something. Why do u think everyone at the mtgs are “weighed down”? It’s because of all the pressure and guilt everyone faces in the name of the “truth”. It’s not right. Doing something you love shouldn’t make people have depressions and burnouts. Anyways, I want to keep it simple with my parents and be upbeat about it so they can see that I am doing really well. They are taught that when someone leaves they are all down and out and nothing can go right for them. That is the furthest from the truth for my family and myself personally.

  As far as the elders are concerned, I have been ignoring them for weeks now. I hate to be the “home but hiding” type, but I really don’t have anything to say to them. They are like the police at this point. When I was fading for the last year or so, I hardly had a phone call. (not that I’m complaining). But if you look at it from their standpoint, don’t you think if they felt it was so important that they would have tried harder to help me at the time? I was a spiritual single parent, dragging my kids out several times a week to mtgs and service. They saw that for 2 years and also saw in the last year a big difference in my attendance, yet not much attention was given. Again, not that I am complaining. All that to say, I go “missing” for a month and I have the elders on my back like I’m a criminal. Weird, but not surprising. I have not spoken to anyone since my last mtg in January. I do not intend to try to talk to anyone either. There were some very nice people in my hall that had kids and that I got along with, but I really just want to sever all ties to that religion and move on.

  Sorry for the long winded post. I have not talked to anyone but my husband about all my feelings, so I guess here is a good way to vent. Take care y’all and hope to hear from you again…

  avidbiblereader: thanks for your direct advice. You’re right about asking why I would have to tell my parents. I don’t really plan to come out and tell them without them asking about it. So far, they seem to be avoiding the subject and we do a lot of chatting online. I am planning to just tell them when they ask. I just want to be prepared for when the time comes. I have my other sister coming to see me in May and she is pioneering, so a part of me wants to tell her ahead of time rather than springing it on her. That part I haven’t quite thought out enough. Anyways, ttyl and thanks again.. (even if the elders do catch me at some point, there is nothing they can do to make me go back. My decision is final!)
• 

  avidbiblereader

  I don’t really plan to come out and tell them without them asking about it. So far, they seem to be avoiding the subject and we do a lot of chatting online. I am planning to just tell them when they ask. I just want to be prepared for when the time comes. I have my other sister coming to see me in May and she is pioneering, so a part of me wants to tell her ahead of time rather than springing it on her. That part I haven’t quite thought out enough.

  My personal experience in life is that the least I tell others about myself and my business the better off I am.

  Tell your family when it comes to this, "Let's go into the mining business together, you mine yours and I will mine mine."

  abr
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  LeslieV

  First welcome to the board, and how exciting that you have connected with your sister and are working on finding your brother.

  I have to tell you I had no contact with my siblings for about 20 years. It has been along road to try to reconnect with them. It isn't as easy as you would think it is. We missed out on growing up together, and only remember each other as kids. Little by little it gets easier, but for me I had to do all the work. I think they felt since I turned my back on them and chose religion over them, it is up to me to fit in their world which I am willing to do. Good luck we are all here for you.

  Leslie