by lydia 68 Replies latest jw friends
Hey um Ex:
Well NOT in the bathroom...lol in my office at home...you know it is hard to take a decent picture of yourself with no one helping you...darn can you see the playgirl magazines??? the bong??? the large bottle of vodka??? oops empty bottle of vodka I should say...
Lydia it's kind of different for me, in that I've always been kind of reserved. In a way that's good because I don't have any strong ties in the org, but I'm also not a lot more outgoing than I used to be. In my case I think it's just the way I am, I prefer dealing with people one on one rather than a lot of people at once.
As an always have been 'worldly' person i am somewhat offended by some comments made here.
I'm not trying to belittle anything anyone has been through but EVERYONE, in my experience, has had some awful thing or other happen to them throughout their life. Maybe a mindset less 'boohoo, i have been screwed over and noone other than a JW could possibly understand my pain' and more of 'I, like many others in the world, have had a uniquely horrifying experience that i will share with those who show interest and possibly educate someone to the horror that can occur due to being a JW to those who might otherwise remain ignorant' would be a better mindset.
I have offered homeless friends my home who were shunned by their families for no other reason than that they couldn't be bothered to look after the child they had created. There was no reason to fall back on such as changing religous views. They were simply a nusance for exhisting.
Friend upon friend upon friend has shared their tales of physical and mental abuse. Ranging from the odd slap and belittling that are scaring enough, to running away with their baby sister after their cocain adicted mother beat them and logded a stileto heel in their forehead.
One friends brother was hitch hiking with his girlfriend and was picked up by a bunch of kids who then raped his girlfriend and beat him to death with a rock.
Everyone has one of these stories based on their own unique backgrounds.
Instead of thinking of people outside your former religon as 'worldly' think of them as people just like you with their own stories of pain and happiness to share. Some of whom you will get along with and alot of whom you will never have a friendship with. But learning about anyone, regardless of weather the great friendship materialises, is a rewarding experience.
I think JWs are spoilt with this instant friendship that acompanies joining the organization. In the real world it just isn't that easy. You need alot of confidence and balls to go out and offer you emotions to possible rejection. But it's worth it when you find one or a few people you can truely connect with.
remember that the 'friends' you aquiered in the JWs are little more than yes men who become friends with those they are told to be friends with.
True friends are earned through work and exposing your self, you feelings and thoughts with others. They are not handed to you on a plate with a set of beleif systems.
And when you find real friends it is important you tell them of your JW past 'cause ,no offence, but sometimes you ex's can seem a little odd to one who has never experienced such 'programming'. Your thought processes are sometimes confusing to someone who has grown up with only logical thought. Also exhisting in such a confusing place with so many limitations is bound to cause alot of psycological oddities you may not even be aware of that others may think odd without an understanding of your history.
It is odd to me that i am looked upon as evil by a group of people i do not know, have never met, and who have not tryed to learn who i am. It's a form of predjudice. Don't bring that with you from the religion. It is just another way to control you and keep you from finding people who will love you for who you truely are.
Alot of us are pretty dope. Give us a chance! We're not THAT evil. I only eat babies once a week.
My useless 2c:
I've been tempted to be so happy in the presense of new people, new potential friends, that I try to restrain my bubbling desire to be liked and have approval. Therefore, I try to watch everything and everyone and say as little as possible, so I don't make a fool of myself, or appear like a puppy that humps legs because it's not socially adjusted.
Bgurltry: I'm not trying to belittle anything anyone has been through but EVERYONE, in my experience, has had some awful thing or other happen to them throughout their life. Maybe a mindset less 'boohoo, i have been screwed over and noone other than a JW could possibly understand my pain' and more of 'I, like many others in the world, have had a uniquely horrifying experience that i will share with those who show interest and possibly educate someone to the horror that can occur due to being a JW to those who might otherwise remain ignorant' would be a better mindset.
Xena: uuummm I was asked my opinion and I gave it..there was not boohooing by anyone here...yes other people do have bad experiences..but in case you didn't notice it on your way in this is an EX JW site. I would assume then that we would be able to SHARE our feelings with other EX JW's who ASKED US what our feeling were about having been in this org. and it's effects on us. If you don't want to know about our FEELINGS then you do know how to click your way out of a post..don't you???
Bgurltryal: Instead of thinking of people outside your former religon as 'worldly' think of them as people just like you with their own stories of pain and happiness to share. Some of whom you will get along with and alot of whom you will never have a friendship with. But learning about anyone, regardless of weather the great friendship materialises, is a rewarding experience.
Xena: We think of YOU as worldly because for 20 years that was what I at least was taught...you ever tried to shake off 20 years of indoctriniation in 1 1/2 years??? I, nor anyone else for that matter, ever said they didn't WANT to make friends or weren't TRYING to make friends or even HADN'T made any friends yet. I understand the concept of friendship thank you....and believe it or not I do have friends...wow..imagine that...
Bgurltryal: And when you find real friends it is important you tell them of your JW past 'cause ,no offence, but sometimes you ex's can seem a little odd to one who has never experienced such 'programming'. Your thought processes are sometimes confusing to someone who has grown up with only logical thought. Also exhisting in such a confusing place with so many limitations is bound to cause alot of psycological oddities you may not even be aware of that others may think odd without an understanding of your history
Xena: uuummm wasn't that EXACTLY what we were expressing...or as you so KINDLY put it BOOHOOing about????
And for the record I did find your comments belittling and was offended by YOU.
It is real tough to make friends outside the borg. Esp. the older you get. When you are a kid you just say "Hey, wanna be my friend" and presto a friend was made. As a JW, you would naturally make friends with those that you spent so much time with. That is the key.
What do you like to do? GOLF, BOWL, Play basketball, paint, chase parked cars, hang around outside DC's (haha), feed the homeless, whatever, go do it! Keep doing it, you'll find all sorts of people to be friends with. And never forget the bible's good advice, bad association spoils usefull habits. There are good and bad sorts of people all over, YOU be the judge not the borg. And don't get hung up on their religious beliefs either, the light gets brighter for each of us individually (not as a group as the borg would have us believe). Good luck, and don't forget to pray for what you need. (Friends)
JOHN
I moved into a new neighborhood when my son was just over a year. We'd been out for about a year and I had precious few friends. Long story short - my new neighbor came barging into my life and helped me start making friends. She has since moved across the country but I'm going to visit her next week.
When my son started preschool I just started asking the moms to bring their kids over to play. Works like a charm. Voila! New friends.
Like jterfehr said, you have to just do what you love and start approaching people who share a common interest. It works!
Princess
Thank you all for the interesting posts.. I have not had a problem with makeing friends, but I have seen others who have when they left. I do feel that I am somewhat more critical of who I choose - for better or worse i guess.
Bgurltry, i think you may not have understood the posts here - you state that you have always been "Always has been Worldly" We as a group do not view you this way - hoewver this WAS the form of mind control and opression that we were subjected to.
This was not ment to put you down..but a way for us to discuss somthing that effects us in our lives due to the fact we have been exposed to it.
Please don't take offense to this!
Lydia
After my mind started working in a rational way, I started judging people by how they treated me and how they treated people important to me rather than judging them by their perceived beliefs or by their claims to purity of some sort.
During my life as an agent for the Watch Tower Corporation, I declined many, many social invitations offered by co-workers, neighbors, and acquaintances. To make new friends I, at first, simply made it a rule for myself to accept all invitations. That worked wonders and in time I started inviting people to do things with me. I became involved in a wisdom group. I became involved in a weekly lunch.
I started to enjoy people and helping them do things. I do enjoy social involvement and the kindness and wisdom I get from my friends is appreciated and it feels normal and natural.
lydia,
Thank you for the posting this subject. I'm STILL working to have billygoat's attitude. It's a good one to have, but getting that attitude and keeping it there is the hard part. I walked away from the borg 21 years ago and to this day, I don't have any "friends". I find that I can't let myself get as close as a friend would be to anyone in my life. I have heard friends talk amongst themselves for years. In places that I've been employed. I envy them and wish I could be "normal" like they are. I have many sisters ( fleshly) that I could be friends with, ( as in, a real "friend" ) but hey, that's family! I love my family deeply but those who have big families know that man, you can't say anything to anyone or it gets to everyone else in the family in less than an hour! I finally talked to my doctor about 5 months ago and confessed that I haven't one friend and I feel like I need to have at least one. I never have really. My doctor said I have social anxiety disorder and perscribed medication. The medication made me depressed and in a bad way. I was a different person and not a person that I liked. I was outright rude to people, and that was not me. So I stopped taking the medication after a little les than 2 weeks ( before my family disowned me)
For people that were in the borg through the ages that one learns to socialize and communicate with peers, it sucks. For those important and growing years were stripped from us. We were able to try and socialize and be open with only fellow JWs, which made it all the harder. I feared that I would always say something wrong and be ratted out for it and then either be tossed and thrown away as a friend ( and viewed as "bad association") or publicly humiliated by the whole congregation for speaking my thoughts. It was to the point that I was even afraid to joke with others.
I was able to make a few friends on-line and especailly here. I really appreciate them and being able to really talk about things that I've never been able to. My goal for the future is to make friends in person, in my REAL life and as people say, get a life!
Thanks for the topic, lydia. And thanks to all who responded. I feel somewhat "normal" now!
peace,
somebody....who says .....thank you all you fellow X-JWs and thank you JWs (ya'll know who you are) who have let me get out what I had to say, without questioning my motives or heart and without spewing" apostate! "
