by lydia 68 Replies latest jw friends
Bejrp;lrji,
Could you please stop your boo hooing about how bad the JW's are. I think we've heard it before. Can I get you a tissue?
You advised us to tell others when we meet them about our JW past. How do we do that without(using your words here) BOO-HOOING?
Tim B
I can relate to the feeling that many have posted here. Currently while neither DF or DA, I have been quite let down by those who I thought were my friends. Just because I have not attended meetings, no calls, just talk about if I was a fake christian or not.
while I carry the same feelings as many here, I appreciate the suggestions by Eman and others on how to take that first step. Other than those I work with I don't even know where to go to look for new friends.
I guess it will come with time and effort.
i for one agree with bgurltryal. i DO tend to 'boo-hoo' about my background. and i appreciate anyone who helps me get some broader perspective, even if it is a bit harsh.
on the other hand, i dont think she really understands how hard it is to make the transition and takes it a bit personally when we talk about 'worldly ones' without understanding it is not meant derogatorily. in fact, we are being more self-deprecating when we use the term, exposing our hated conditioning and prejudices.
we all spend our lives surrounded by billions of humans just like us, believing that somehow we are so different that no one else can truly understand us. the irony is everyone else feels the same way.
mox
I agree we do sometimes indulge in some self-pity, but I didn't see that going on in this thread. This is a thread where people are talking about an issue that is common to ex JW's and trying to sort out what works for us.
You can make a point without bashing the group as a whole, especially when people have opened up and revealed their innermost feelings. Feelings that they may not be especially proud of.
A little piece of advice to those who have not been a member of whatever group they are speaking to; use a little tact and sensitivity, ok
Tim B.
P.S. I didn't find Xena's post hostile at all. On the contrary it seemed to be a defensive reaction to a insensitive remark made to the group as a whole.
I think part of problem that we as exJWs have is something we've never been show ourselves...COMPASSION. I am reading this post and see people getting defensive without "listening" to the person. Sometimes "listening" means reading a little between the lines and understanding what makes that person react.
Bgurltryl - If you are offended by some of these comments, please know offense is not meant. Truly - unless you have been under the experience of mind control from the WTS, then you will not (or at least find it very difficult to) understand how the "boohooing" is actually legitimate grief. I and so many people have been taught to think of anyone NOT a JW is worldly. Many of us were raised into the pattern of thinking. So if it took 18 years to learn to think that way, it will take that many or more to UNthink it. Many of us still have a lot of grief and a lot of healing to be done. Please do not minimize our experiences by (in essence) to "get over it". Please have compassion for us.
It is difficult for us to get beyond the grief and do as bboyneko does and refocus our grieving energy into healing energy. But once you get to that point, you realize that helping and encouraging others, and becoming friends with them during their healing that YOU are healed. I cannot tell you how many times I'VE been encouraged when someone on this board tell me "thank you" for something I've said or done. In healing others, I am healed.
Love to all!
Andi
You guys are making far too much of the boohoo thing, re-read the paragraph in question carefully:
I'm not trying to belittle anything anyone has been through but EVERYONE, in my experience, has had some awful thing or other happen to them throughout their life. Maybe a mindset less 'boohoo, i have been screwed over and noone other than a JW could possibly understand my pain' and more of 'I, like many others in the world, have had a uniquely horrifying experience that i will share with those who show interest and possibly educate someone to the horror that can occur due to being a JW to those who might otherwise remain ignorant' would be a better mindset.
I think it was sensitive and tactful, it's a statement that says: Self-pity won't get you anywhere, but the pain you suffered can help others. She was simply saying we need to think outwardly instead of inwardly. Talking to others and helping others is a way to heal. Self-pity is a path to despair and depression. Nowhere does she say that what we suffered is not a real pain or traumatizing. She aknoledges that it was awful BUT that we need to realize we are NOT the only ones who have suffered and others have suffered worse. In light of that fact, self-pity is almost moot. It's ok to cry about bad experiences of course, but there is such as a thing as too much. We will always be sad about the lost friends, lost years and mean things we did as a JW. But her post asks us to do something positive with our experience and not just hang out here forever, yes, boohooing, when we could be hanging out here boohooing AND helping others in some manner. Or else was our suffering for nothing? Maybe we as JW's need to more sensitive to NON JW's who are trying to reach out and help. The general reaction I get when I tell people about my JW past is 'so what?' most people dont care. So when you find a non-JW who does care its a relativley rare thing and the last thing we need to do is bite her head off.
Hey Bboyneko, what color is the sky in your world? READ WHAT SHE SAID CAREFULLY...
"Maybe a mindset less 'boohoo, i have been screwed over and no one other than a JW could possibly understand my pain'"
Very sensitive and caring, NOT. She was simply saying, "You guys are losers, drag yourself out of your pit of dispair and get on with your lives." She may have a valid point but she was very tactless in her presentation! Reminds me of a jerk I was riding with one day who yelled out the car window at a homeless man "Get a JOB". Good advise maybe, but still not a nice thing to say or do.
By the way I have never gotten a "so what" attitude from any non JW's when I tell them I used to be a JW. On the contrary I find they are almost always inquisitive and empathetic about the current hardships that ex JW's have to face regarding the loss of friends and family and any other ex JW "issues".
Again, I don't think anyone on here "bit" her head off...maybe both of you should try being a little less sensitive yourselves and actually LISTEN to what people are saying.
Tim B.
Best way to find friends is in the park walking your dog! Everyone stops to speak to the dog - unless its a psycho - and you get the reflected glory!
Allotment gardening, pubs, libraries, sports cenres, you must just get people around you. A big friendly grin helps too.
Englishman.
Nostalgia isn't what it used to be....
There are many forces that can beset us when we face adversity, but none are more subtle or seductive than selfÂpity. It is a common coping mechanism because it feels so good, and there is such an abundant supply. Only those who are intentional are able to avoid getting hooked on self-pity.When Victor Hugo was exiled from his beloved France, he spent l8 years in the Channel Islands. For this man, who was once the Royal Dramatist, exile was worse than death. Each afternoon at sunset Victor Hugo would climb to a cliff overlooking a small harbor and look longing out over the water toward France. Legend has it that each day when he finished his meditations he would pick up a pebble and throw it into the water. The children who knew him asked him once why he threw a stone in the water each day. Victor Hugo smiled gravely and said: "Not stones, children, not stones. I am throwing my self-pity into the sea." Little wonder that during those 18 years of adversity he gave the world his greatest works and most profound insights. Be careful with self pity!
Also don't take out your anger at the society on innocent people. Two of the obstacles to overcome in recovery from something like a cult is managing your anger and self-pity. Once you can control them you can move on and use that terrible experience to better yourself. For example, I have found that after leaving I am able to instantly spot scams and save my friends from deceptive 'deals' and scams such as model search america and amway. Other people have stated the valid opinion that the boohoo sentence sent a feeling of belittement (although obviously unintentional) without thaving to use hostility or anger.
Quote: "You guys are making far too much of the boohoo thing, re-read the paragraph in question carefully:"
[quote]I'm not trying to belittle anything anyone has been through but EVERYONE, in my experience, has had some awful thing or other happen to them throughout their life. Maybe a mindset less 'boohoo, i have been screwed over and noone other than a JW could possibly understand my pain' and more of [b]'I, like many others in the world, have had a uniquely horrifying experience that i will share with those who show interest and possibly educate someone to the horror that can occur due to being a JW to those who might otherwise remain ignorant' would be a better mindset."
Bboy, nobody on this site was boohooing when bgurltryal wrote this missive. Nobody was asking for pity. The discussion was a genuine request for ideas on how to make friends. Her response was uncalled for and Xena was not wrong to take insult.
IMO, if Bgurl is exasperated with ex-JW's then perhaps it has something to do with her boyfriend. If she feels that he is a whiney, boo-hoo boy then she should address her concerns to him instead of giving her whining, expert advice to us.
The discussion on this thread was directed to ex-JW's not to a "lurker" who, while trying to find ways to control her boyfriend, "came here to understand the mindset and actions of my boyfriend better and get some insight into what the experience of being so controlled must be like".
Thank you Bboy and Englishman for the wonderful suggestions that you put forth on how to make friends. Yes, a big friendly grin does help. I look forward to meeting my new friends.
"Ha'Shem hu ha'Elokim"
Robdar
