I never have done right by you... (page 3)

under_believer

Something sort of similar happened to me about a year ago, now, with my mother. Someday I'll post about it.

It was only a brief moment in time, and then she went back to being a superhero JW, but that brief moment meant a lot to me.

Congratulations.

Hortensia

my mother did something like that once. She said with tears in her eyes that she wasn't a good mother and she was sorry - she lost her own mother at a young age and didn't know how to be a mother. It was quite an admission for her - and I don't see any point in dwelling on the past, so I just told her everyone has a crummy childhood, and at least all of us (my two sisters and I) were grown up, in good health and earning a living. I think I probably responded like that because I hated how my mother loved to dredge up miserable moments from the past and relive them. God, once it's over, move on. Still, I recognized it as an important moment. She wasn't a good mother, but not for the reasons she was thinking about. And she did what she thought was best at the time. Anyway, what difference does it make? It's all over now and I am (sort of) in control of my own life.

before I get any emails about it, I have to say our childhood was about as awful as it can get, including physical, sexual, emotional and verbal abuse - but as I said, it's over a long time ago and I'd rather look forward. This is not a useful response to your question, I suppose, but if you want my opinion, tell your mother it's OK, you turned out all right anyway. Of course, I don't know the specifics of your childhood, so I could be way off base here!

evita

When my mother was dying she called me many times crying with regret. I had a similar response to yours. I could not bear it and changed the subject. I knew she had very little time left so I told her I loved her and that the past was the past. But honestly it was just too painful to hear her say those words. In retrospect, I very much regret not letting her say what she needed to say. She was trying to tell me something that I couldn't hear. She said she didn't want to die with a "wall between us". Of course, the wall was the religion and we couldn't go there.
In the end, all words were meaningless. I just lay down next to her and listened to her heart as I did when I was a child.

cognizant dissident

When I told my mom I wouldn't come to her house to visit her anymore as long as my stepfather was there, she asked me why and I said because I can't pretend any longer. I have never gotten over the fact that he molested me and when I told you, you did nothing about it. You just pretended nothing happened and you told me to pretend and keep it a secret from my father. Everytime I come to your house, I feel sick inside, and have nightmares for days beforehand. Everytime your husband tries to force money on me, I feel like I a prostitute. I just can't do it anymore. You are welcome in my house, but he is not and I never want to see him again as long as I live. This was was 25 years after he molested me before I got up the courage to stop pretending. My mother broke down and cried and said she was sorry for ruining my life. She said she felt so sorry for what she had done to us kids. I told her my life wasn't ruined, I refuse to give HIM that much power.

Honestly, it did give me some satisfatction that she finally acknowledged the damage she had done by exposing us to a violent, drunk, wife beating, child molester. I knew she felt bad so I didn't feel the need to throw it up in her face and beat her with it again and again. (My mother was abused as a child also, by her own father). I won't lie and say that made all my anger go away, though. It still comes back up now and again, especially when my mother does something very selfish or says something very hurtful or verbally abusive to me. She still does this sometimes. She has a mild case of bi-polar I think. I'm not sure. It could just be the "crazies" from the way she was raised. An inordinate number of people with mental health diagnosis also have histories of abuse. Gee, do you think there might be some connection, there?

So, yes, it does make you feel better to be validated but it doesn't automatically take away all the pain and hurt and make it better. And it does not mean you need to spend more time with the person if it is not healthy for you. Take care of yourself first. That is what they did. If you need to try and fix it, focus on making it better for the next generation, your kids. That's what I try to do.

Cog

Panda

How terrific that you have some closure to your JW upbringing. I had a similar reaction when my Dad said to me "Oh gee your brother Mark really gave you a bad time as a kid". I thought I would never be able to breathe after that gut punch... I always sort've knew my parents knew that my brother molested me but I never dreamed that they had known it so well and for so long. Never as a child was I protected from my predator sibling. So I totally understand your reaction of wanting to run.

Sparkplug

Wow! There are so many responses. I meant to check back earlier and discuss this with you, but life has a way of getting away on time. I feel for all of you and the things you have shared are so personal and truly insightful as to how it oculd be and how it might be. Perhaps a look into what she is feeling and what many of you have gone through helps. I thank you for sharing what you as parents have experienced and what you have experienced with your parents. It has meant a lot to me to read your responses.

IP_SEC

Ya,

My dad was an abuser. Screaming, hollering, beating a$$hole. He chilled out a lot after his stroke but we were all grown and out of the house by then.

After he died, my mom apologized for not leaving him and taking us kids and her out of his path. It was good to hear her acknowledge that but I didnt really need her apology. Living through that was part of what made me who I am today and Im happy with who I am.

IP_SEC

YO panda!!!!!! Long time no see!!! Great to see you!!

Sparkplug

And cog and panda and well most everyones....I want to resopond to each ones post more in depth...just on my way to work. Will do so later. ok? there are some really deep thoughts and feelings going on here.

HAL9000

Hah ! & I'm on my way to bed.

Seriously, one of my wife's big issues is that her mother has never been open with her about her past. And it would seem that a lot of her early life in Germany is a mystery, even to her husband. In my m-i-l's demented state, she was constantly "having to go, having to get out". Why? We don't know. When we go into her documented past (like when she arrived here), it doesn't add up with what she told her family. So many unanswered questions, No answers. I have watched my wife's anguish over this, because she feels that she doesn't really know who her mother really was.

I am glad for you that you had something from her...

h9k

I never have done right by you...

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