Ive currently been dating a jw girl for aboit 10 months now. I met her at college and eventually we started going out. At first is was difficult with me it took her a while to open up to me especially with holding hands and kissing. Im due to move away to university in the next few months and she recently implied that she loved me although said she wouldnt say the three words. Her parents know that we like each other as do most of her JW friends but they do not know we have been dating. When were together shes just like a normal fun loving person however when i go away for a week abroad every couple of months whic i do to see family she goes what i call "witness mode" where she tries to say what weve got is wrong and needs to be friends but recently she said she not going to do that no more. From what i understand an elder knows that shes upset and is having "problems with a boy" and is now saying that for us to have a future i need to decide what i want. She said she has considered leaving the religion but cannot as she loves the truth and wants to be with someone who loves the truth to. When i try to bring up her religion and say points which i have read on this site again she goes "witness mode" and brands all ypu guys apostates. She gave me a book entitled what does the bible really teach to read and says she can set me up with lovely man who can teach me which i am currently considering. I know that we shouldnt be together in the view of her reliagion. Im finding it incredibly hard to let her go as i do love her and try to bring myself to my senses saying im only young and there are plenty more fish in the sea but i feel she is the one for me! So i have an choice to make her or a normal life?Only my mother knows about my dilemma and she lives away and were not that close. If i go to the study in your positions of previous experience what questions do you think i should ask the guy because in a study he will i feel be obliged to answer my questions?Then it would be up to me to decide
What to do?
by adam1989 20 Replies latest social relationships
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Crumpet
I think you need to go to university and try to forget about her unless she is willing to give up her cult. You could do some research and try to persuade her that theres more untruth in the cult than truth but she has been indoctrinated so this may not even thaw her initial conceptions and this is a long long job. Some here on this board have been married to JWs for a long time and it means there is always a part of life that isnt shared which must be divisive.
good luck on whatever you decide and with your studies.
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adam1989
Thanks for the quick reply!I only know about the jw from this board and would appreciate if any of you could share the untruths with me to put to her? Her family are really strong witnesses and i think that this is what is holding her back as she will be shunned as she is baptized. I feel this as when she is with me she does things such as swear and things that witnesses shouldnt do. She has recently started missing door 2 door to spend more time with me which she usually does on a wednesday morning. These are the hope that if i canno commit to her (which would be alot easier) she may see the real truth
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4JWY
....there are plenty more fish in the sea
Please, you are so young - JUMP in that sea and enjoy the beauty of life all around you. Get your education, grow, expand your interests, experience relationships.
Although I was that JW girl once, and hooked the worldly guy, got him to convert, raised kids in the cult together, it took us 25 years to come to our senses and do the release together back into the sea of a real life.
I might add - I had dated other 'worldly' guys, all hidden from friends/family which is very stressful. Some were lengthly relationships - in all cases, the guy's, like you, were agonizing over what to do when they realized the difficulties that would ensue if we continued on, and we'd break up. JW's are just in another place, it's a way of life, not a religion. To this day, as friends, I am in touch with a couple of these past flames, and were they surprised to hear that after 30 years, I am now out and free to be me.
Good Luck in making a decision.
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4JWY
adam1989 -
I forgot to say - "Welcome!"
In the "Best of" section there are many threads dealing with your situation that I'm sure would help you:
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RollerDave
It sounds as if your dilemma goes beyond religious differences so I'll dispense the advice I give all young people feeling their 'wild oats.'
When you first meet someone, you really know very little about them, so you fill in the gaps in your mental picture with what you WANT to see without even realizing it. If the resulting idealization appeals to you, you feel attraction.
They call this 'infatuation' and it passes once enough of the idealized suppositions you have made are replaced with reality; what takes the place of infatuation may be real love based upon an honest assessment, or might be more averse.
Since you are so young, you must be careful because you have all these hormones rushing through your blood that magnify your every emotion beyond reason that very much like being on drugs.
Infatuation and hormones make you act like you are stoned out of your mind.
Then you begin engaging in physical intimacy, kissing and such, and you lose any residual objectivity you might have retained.
It makes it all to easy to excuse traits that would ordinarily repel you and creates a false intimacy that can seem like a connection of long-sundered souls.
Then one day the hormones have died down, the infatuation and idealization is replaced by harsh reality, and you wake up next to someone you can't stand on a Sunday morning early to go to the meeting of the doomsday cult and pray the Big A comes before you have to struggle through another mind-killing controltower study.
Are you infatuated? Let's see...
"I am all full of doubt and am considering signing my life away to the GB because I can just feel SHE'S THE 'ONE' FOR ME!"
Yup. Let me guess, she is the prettiest, smartest, and you just can't imagine you guys will ever fight, right?
So was the hog I married the second time. and the GF after her that made me wanna gargle with bullets.
I don't know if you will be able to take this next bit of advice, but I proffer it just in case.
A wise person guards their heart, you can only offer bits of it to so many people before you're left with an empty space.
Learn to recognize the heady rush of infatuation for what it is, and don't give in to the drugs your body is pumping into your blood just yet. Make friends and hold off on the kissy talk until you see them for who they are.
That way you can still back away from stalkers, cultists, or emotional black holes without a painful break-up driving you straight into the arms of the next train wreck.
Well, there's my advice, take it or leave it, but in any case; Good Luck!
(Oh, BTW, if you sign on to the witlesses, you can never say or accept wishes of 'good luck' again)
Roller
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katiekitten
Welcome to the board.
For gods sake go to University.
My partner went out with a girl many years ago (before me) - neither we Jehovahs Witnesses, but he selfishly talked her out of going to University because he said the relationship wouldnt last if she went, and she was too much in love with him to jepardise that.
She never got over not going, he two timed her several years later, she found out, and went to University 5 years after she should have gone. She has started a career as a teacher 5 years after she should have, and as a result has been set back in income terms by several thousand £ a year.
What im saying is - even aside from the religion thing, you should never forego a life opportunity as important as education. WITH the religion its going to be even harder. You may give up Uny and then find she doesnt have the nuts to put you ahead of her religion anyway, and you will never forgive yourself for missing out on Uny.
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Highlander
By all means you need to run from this girl. You need to tell her simply, that you will not join a cult to be with her and then end it.
Go off to the university, there you will 'fall in love' many times over with many different women. Enjoy your youth, fulfill your wildest fantasies, focus on what you want to
do with your life, graduate, and develop your career. If you do not, you will always look back on your life thinking "what if?". That is never a good mindset to have.
If you join her, and the JW cult, you will have to give up everything else, including your non-jw family and friends.
Take it from me,, I made the HUGE mistake of marrying a jw. To be fair I was raised as a witness, but am no longer one while my wife is a diehard believer. Time will tell if
our marriage will work. If we accidently have kids, it will probably end the marriage as I will not allow my children to set foot inside a kingdumb hall. It will be over my dead body.
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OnTheWayOut
Excellent advice by Roller and Katie.
You said:
So i have an choice to make (1) her or (2) a normal life?
Do not agree to a study. This is step one of signing on. They will try to warp your understanding of
things. Sure, you could be strong and fight it off, but you already seem ready to do anything for her.
That's not a typical JW tactic, but it is a typical cult tactic. A pretty girl lures the guy into studying
the Bible with other men. You can't be with her until you accept the teachings, so you stop questioning
them.Be strong. Tell her what you learn about JW's as you go to school and research it on the side. She will
probably not wait for you to come around to her religion, but tell her you will try to wait for her to come
around to her senses. If you see her cutting ties with you, then move on. If she keeps trying to contact
you and be with you, then continue to help her- but don't start a study. -
OnTheWayOut
From another thread- Vernon Williams posted a Christian website.
In that website, was said:
the JW studying with you is talking about "peripheral" issues designed to, slowly and systematically, lead you into the "core" of the Watch Tower’s teaching. .....
Using the programmed study materials of the Watch Tower, they "book-end" the New Testament with Watch tower interpretations of the Old Testament and Revelation. From this perspective they introduce you to their interpretation of the words of Jesus and His Apostils. The result is an entirely different "Good News."This is very true. Before ever getting seriously into the Gospels, the JW's introduce you to the God of the Old Testament and
convince you that their interpretation of Genesis and Isaiah and the OT is absolutely the truth. They further use Revelation to
tell you how their interpretation must be right. You can be totally warped before getting to the Gospels. Beware the power of
the study just to win the girl.You will have to become a drone in a mind-control cult to have the girl. The only way out is to stay out, and see if she tries to
exit. If not, she isn't ready to exit. It could be another 20 or 40 years or a lifetime before she's ready if she can't break free now.