How Do You Now Console Someone Who Has Lost Someone In Death?

by minimus 23 Replies latest jw friends

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  minimus

  My dear friend's 34 year old son recently was found dead by a girlfriend after calling him repeatedly and never getting a call back. Meanwhile my friend was on his way back from Florida when he got the awful news. He asked me for some encouraging scriptures to share with him for some consolation. I used to study with him in the 1970's and nearly all his family are Witnesses. He very well knows I don't believe in the religion any longer but asked me as to where certain scriptures were......As someone who no longer has a strong faith in anything, I find it difficult to respond genuinely.

  Any thoughts??
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  Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit

  I'm so sorry about your friend's son. In desperation, I can see someone wanting some explanation or something from a higher power, maybe some bible passages will help him immediately, if he swings that way, and he seems to. I guess, just remember that this time is for him, give him what he needs and be with him as much as you can-in person or on phone, that's what you can do to be a friend to him.

  but how many times did WTS literature warn us against using religious platitudes to console someone, like 'when your son's resurrected, we'll all go play with the lions. . .', oh spare me.
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  WTWizard

  This is a very tough one to answer. It does no good to try to pick up the pieces and move on quickly since the grieving process does take many years. The closer a friend you are at the time, the longer it takes. And Scriptural counsel is useless if one party doesn't believe in the Bible.

  The best I can say is that death is unnatural and unfair. In the animal realm, death is something that happens when the animals' bodies stop working or they run into a predator or other mishap. But for man, who is conscious of what is coming, death simply is wrong. The medical research is making strides in finding out why we stop working, but that is not going to do much good in this case (and especially if the cause of death was an accident or homicide). Besides your good friends at the FDA have effectively banned so many potential cures for many diseases that could have prevented a good many of these deaths, and people are getting p*$$ed off at them. I don't know what, if any, good that is going to do in your case.

  Yes, I believe religion is a fairy tale. You are promised a reward after suffering on Earth. That is to make up for the suffering and stagnation that we all live through now. And there is no way to test out the scam because no one has actually been to heaven or hell and returned. The few near-death experiences are explained by the lights that seem to flash just as the brain shuts down--if the person is brought back at this point, they claim to have been to heaven. No one in truth has seen God or heaven, so there is nothing to back up these claims. And I refuse to offer hope that I know or strongly suspect is based on a scam. For sure, I will not even cite the resurrection hope because I know that to be the biggest scam--at least if the resurrection is to be done by any God. Any resurrection would have to be through medical advances and science, not God! In the meantime, my condolences to any who have suffered because of this incident.
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  averyniceguy

  Well, you can look for JW condolences cards. I am not sure what is the website. There are pretty good number of cards to choose from. You can pick one that you feel comfortable enough to send it to him. I will try to look for the website now.
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  averyniceguy

  Well, you can look for JW condolences cards. I am not sure what is the website. There are pretty good number of cards to choose from. You can pick one that you feel comfortable enough to send it to him. I will try to look for the website now.

  ooops, double post. Sorry!
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  averyniceguy

  There is a website for JW condolences cards, but I cannot find it, I do remember the website starts with M, I forgot the website, maybe someone will know what I am talking about.
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  minimus

  I would no longer send a JW anything. Nothing JW related.
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  Pioneer Spit...oh, i mean Spirit

  M,

  ditto on the JW card
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  Gregor

  Min. Go to a website Bible concordance and search some key words. You're bound to come across some passage, probably in Proverbs or Psalms, etc. that is beautiful and non religous. I will do this in a few minutes and post a couple of suggestions.
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  bythesea

  Minimus....This is a hard one, I know, but since your friend is looking to you for some support then the best thing you can do is just be therefor him....as that friend. Let him talk...listen to him from your heart....call often and check on how he's doing, give him opportunites to unload all the stuff he will need to get out...regrets, guilt maybe over some things, anger at the whole thing...he will experience many emotions and they will all need some form of expression. Mostly he needs to talk it out, and you can be that sounding board for him. Be patient with him, grief takes a long time to go through, and I imagine especially so when its a child...it seems very unnatural for our children to die before we do!

  He will also need to mourn...grief and mourning are not the same thing. Grief is a term for the thoughts and feelings that are experienced with oneself upon the death of someone loved....it's the internal meaning given to the experience of bereavement. Mourning is taking the internal experience of grief and expressing it outside of oneself....its the grief gone public or sharing one's grief outside of oneself. Both are necessary in order to work through one's grief so that it doesn't become baggage one carry's around the rest of one's life. You can help your friend find ways to express his grief...give him that safe place to go to...go with him.

  In our culture men have a harder time in expressing their feelings on most things, and grief is no different.... He may be looking for some sort of spiritual help from you which you can't give honestly, but you can help him to give meaning to the life his son lived even if you don't have answers for the future life expectancy as in a resurrection or any of that stuff.

  I'd suggest grief counseling, but as a JW he probably won't go....they are they're own support group for that. I am currently going to counseling for the death of a parent 17 yrs ago because I wasn't allowed to grieve or mourn properly at the time of their death, largely due to the fact that since my parent wasn't a JW then no one felt I should be grieving since they would be resurrected and I'd see them in the new system.... I hope your friend doesn't fall into that trap! I have lots of material I can send you to help your friend with if you're interested...PM me if I can help with that. Also, if you have a local hospice then they also provide reading materials for helping people through their bereavement process.

  Mainly just be there for him.....

  Bythesea