Is it appropriate for a stranger to comment on a woman's bruises?

by rebel8 36 Replies latest social relationships

• 

  aSphereisnotaCircle

  Twice I have known women who appeared to have been beaten, and I said nothing.

  It bothers me to this day, I wished I had said something, I'm glad others aren't afraid to ask.

  But yeah, maybe you could give them the latin name for your condition and say. "Oh thank you for your concern, actually my condition causes me to bruise easily, which isn't so bad, the really distressing symptoms are the rectal failure and projectile vomiting........ooh....ah.............stand aside.......I'm not feeling so good.........."
• 

  cognizant dissident

  How about saying, "You should have seen what the other guy looked like when I got through with him!"

  or, "Yes, my husband does beat me regularly, but it's OK, I enjoy it, I'm a masochist!"

  Seriously, though, I do think it is a bit rude to walk up to a complete and total stanger and ask them if they were abused. Common sense would tell anybody that there are literally dozens of alternative explanations for bruises, such as car accident, sports accident, toddler accidently belting you in the eye with one of their toys (this happened to me), slip and fall, and medical conditions. So why do they automatically seize on that one possible explanation? I think this is nosiness and a need for drama disguised as concern.

  If family, friends, neighbours, or acquaintances ask that is a little different. They know you and their concern is probably legitimate. Doctors, nurses, teachers, and social workers HAVE to ask. It is their job and it is the law. Even they know to take the person aside privately and quietly. They do not demand to know loudly in public. Even when they are off duty they do not accost strangers on the street to ask if they are abused. They know that there are hundreds of possible reasons for bruises other than abuse.

  If you are not in the mood to use one of the humourous responses and you don't feel it is anybody's business about your medical condition (as it is not), then you could try just looking the person in the eye and saying, "You are really making quite an assumption, aren't you?". Or, turning it back on them by asking them, "Do YOU have any hidden bruises under your clothing that I can't see? Are YOU being abused? Are you sure? Can I give you the name of an abuse shelter, just in case?" Maybe having the tables turned in this way will make people see how intrusive and obnoxious such questioning is.

  Cog
• 

  lonelysheep

  Well, I do think it's appropriate to comment on a possible situation like that. If I were in your shoes, though, I'd assure those who did ask that I was ok by saying something like, "I get that often, when actually, my bruises are due to a condition called....Thanks for your concern", and speak in a confident tone. Look at your bruises from the outside, and understand that people just don't know. I get mistaken for things based on certain physical aspects, too. It's tiring, but necessary.
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  Gregor

  The most difficult is to see bruised, unkempt, children with a parent or parents and you pick up bad vibes after observing them together.

  Years ago I recall passing on a lame joke to a couple of female co workers, "I hear there are a lot of battered women in this city. I actually prefer mine plain." rimshot. Later one of them came and told me that the other woman was in a physically abusive relationship with her husband. I felt like crawling into a hole.
• 

  Bumble Bee

  It's amazing what you think about when vacuuming!

  If you want to go the humour route you could say something like this when they ask about the bruises:

  "OMG you can SEE the bruises?? The aliens told me humans wouldn't be able to see them! They are a result of their "probing". Speaking of probing - did you see the South Park episode where Cartman had an anal probe from the aliens, I can sooo totally relate now ,,,,,,," as they quickly walk away, glancing over their shoulder to see if you are following! LOLLOLOLOL (I'm in a silly mood today!)

  BB
• 

  eclipse

  Cog took my response...

  "You should have seen what the other guy looked like when I got through with him!" I'm alot stronger than I look

  Humour defuses tense situations....it will make the concerned samaritan feel better to know that your bruises have a medical cause.I get asked all the time by perfect strangers a personal question that is considred rude. So I know what it feels like to be bothered with questions from strangers.
• 

  Lucian

  Since you are not the victim of abuse and if you are annoyed by inquiries from strangers -- why not get a T-shirt printed that says:

  It's OK!

  I killed

  the S.O.B.!

  Lucian
• 

  Hortensia

  I take medication that causes bruising - people used to look at me and then give my husband a dirty look which I always thought was funny. However, to the point, if you feel the person asking is genuinely concerned, you can say something like "people always ask me that - it's just the way I am. Thanks for asking, though." That doesn't actually give out any information (it's none of their business anyway), and let's them know you are a little tired of the question, but doesn't put the person in the wrong. And for someone who is just plain nosy, you say "why do you ask?" and then no matter what the person answers, you say, "oh." and change the subject.
• 

  davegod

  "F you, you F'ing F, you want some of your own? F off!
• 

  Thegoodgirl

  Rebel8, That is absolutely ridiculous that people should think it's their place to ask you if you're in an abusive relationship.

  Do they stop at the homeless man at the corner and see what they can do to help? Do they stop by the poor kid's house on the street and offer their money?

  The only reason to pick on a woman is because an abused woman is looked upon as weak, and they want to be a hero. If a woman is abused, it's a sad and terrible thing, but it certainly isn't a stranger's place to tell her it's time to leave the guy.