Faders with a JW spouse, let me ask....

by OnTheWayOut 27 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  TheListener

  OTWO,

  I have the same situation as you.

  My wife and I talked about everything. When I was strong in the truth I could express any doubts I wanted. I could agree/disagree with almost anything. She usually agreed with me. You know how there are lots of little things that different congregations do differently or even different individual witnesses? My wife and I agreed on basically all of those conscience matters. We felt the same way about stuff and conversation was open.

  Now, communication couldn't be more boring. I have a whole new side to myself that I can't share. I would love to talk about this scripture or that or how I feel about a particular belief. Really, I have nowhere to turn. I can express myself here but as great as this place is I need real face to face conversation - especially with my own wife.

  I am so tired of hiding who I am. What choices do I have? I could just start talking about things. That wouldn't go over well and my marital situation would end up worse that it is now. I can continue to withold my thoughts but I am not really sure how long that can last.

  Our marriage is fairly strong. We love each other deeply. When I was first fading out we did have conversations and she assured me she would not leave me over the truth. But, she also told me that I wasn't to discuss my doubts and issues with her - she felt it wouldn't be encouraging. I can see her point.

  I'm a man with a wife and kids yet I am so so lonely.
• 

  garybuss

  You wrote: "If any of you can relate, what's the story?"
  I relate well. It's the benefit of being unevenly yoked (to borrow an expression). There's a loneliness that comes with living with an unsafe partner and having to walk on eggshells. And there's the strife and contention that comes from forgetting to walk on the eggshells.
  
  I did it for a while. I'm very glad it's over.
  
  
• 

  stillajwexelder

  I do -and so far she has not outed me - or asked awkward questions
• 

  jeeprube

  I bought a copy of CoC, my wife was pissed when she saw it; but, I think she was also shocked to learn that a GB member had left. I used to read passages out loud to her, and ask her what she thought. Eventually she started to respond.

  The whole thing made her really mad, she told me later. One day she got so pissed at me that she determined to prove me wrong about 607. She entered 607 BCE into Google, and the scales fell of her eyes. From there I think we all know what happened, unraveling one lie leads to the rest of the house of cards falling down.

  I'm a firm believer that a lot of JW's would leave if they could just see ALL of the facts, not just the WT sanitized version.
• 

  anewme

  I am like Garybus. I tried to fade but the strain was too much. My JWex was a very controlling JW zealot.
  There was no way to fade. I tried passive resistance( getting my own car, showing up late, excusing myself from the meetings early, taking a side job that interfered with meetings, insisting I take a retarded girl out in service but we did mostly garage sales) but the lecturing, the snide remarks, the coldness wore me down. I could not take the loneliness in the end and did the deed to get out of both the marriage and the cult.
  
  
  
  
• 

  Jim_TX

  "If any of you can relate, what's the story?"

  Well... I _used_ to be married to a JW gal... not anymore.

  When I was married to her, the only thing that I tried to share with her was the thought that many think that JWs are a cult. Ya shoulda heard her shreek (maybe you DID!). It was just like the scene from 'Invasion of the Body Snatchers', when they would discover someone who hadn't been assimilated. Yeah... just like that.

  She shreeked... 'Apostate!' - My nerves were a bit jangled by this, and I tried to explain to her that I never said the JWs were a cult, but that I had heard others say this. I then had a printout of 25 or so questions that identified cults. I showed this to her. She was still mumbling 'cult' or something... but agreed that she'd look into it.

  A couple of days later, she curtly informed me that according to the research she had done, she determined that the JWs were NOT a cult!

  I let it drop - and did not try to discuss any other JW-related info with her.

  Soon after that, I filed for divorce.

  Regards,

  Jim TX
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  The Listener is like a kindred spirit on this, he describes it exactly.

  Garybuss has great thoughts here too. I suppose as time goes on, I will have to be
  willing to take more chances to feel more free. I don't suppose that I will be sharing
  much more with my wife, but I will have to find some more face-to-face with
  friends who understand- that or a little counseling.

  I have family that I can talk to. The problem is that they totally don't understand.
  When I told my dad that I realized what I was in (back when I was still an elder, ready to
  resign), he couldn't understand why I don't just quit. WHAT CAN THEY DO?

  I know they can do nothing to me, but he couldn't understand the loss of family connections.

  I have met a couple of you all face-to-face. I have plans to meet a few more. That helps.

  I think JWD posters helped me realize this in the past- I love my wife dearly, and she has
  shown true love in not trying to "out" me. The problem is that our lives are drifting in
  different directions (unevenly yoked) Open Mind had a thread about this.

  We are overcoming it, by my allowing her to vent about work, and me discussing work.
  We take trips and eat out and go to the movies, so to combat the drift, my wife and I are
  dating. I think she will lessen her interest in serving the WTS over the next few years, and
  we can have what we once did- even if she never leaves. I just need something to lean on
  in the meantime. Thanks for being there for me, guys.
• 

  Paralipomenon

  My situation is the same as BumbleBee and Undercover.
  
  I usually don't mention anything unless it is relevant to the conversation topic. For some of the doctrinal changes I'll usually just pass them on as a FYI in case she's talking to her parents. I can see the mental defense mechanism fly up anytime we discuss witnesses at all.
  
  It's getting better, slowly.
• 

  GoingGoingGone

  My husband is an elder. He was raised a JW, as was I. When I first started facing my doubts, I asked him things like, How can we possibly say that this is the only true religion, when neither of us has ever looked into anything else at all?? As I brought up my doubts, he had no answers and finally told me that he didn't know me anymore. For a while, I though my marriage was going to end over all this. There was nothing left between us, for all intents and purposes.

  About a year ago we had a family crisis that sort of brought him back to reality, and our relationship now is very good. By that I mean that we love each other and aren't afraid to show it, we talk about the daily stuff, the kids, etc. But it's all superficial stuff. The WT is off limits. I don't mention doctorine, and neither does he. He's stopped asking if I'm going to meetings. He did ask if I was going to the convention, and I said no, and he didn't really react negatively to that either. HUGE relief....

  I'm in the same situation as some of you, though. My thought process are going 100 miles an hour most of the time, I'm reading and learning and doubting and I want to talk to my husband about all of this, and it's impossible. I feel like this change is a huge part of my life, and being a JW is a huge part of his, and we can't share those parts of each other. In one way, he's at a disadvantage because he doesn't have a clue what I believe anymore, whereas I know exactly what he believes and does. I have online friends now that I discuss all this with, but I have no real life friends, either, and I really miss not talking to my husband about things that are this all-encompassing for both of us.

  My kids are teenagers, neither one is baptized, my oldest is away at college, and both have said (to me) that they will never be JWs. That is huge, because until I started fading a few years back, we were the Perfect JW Family. I do wonder what will happen when the kids are grown, non-JWs, I'm completely inactive, and my husband is going to meetings by himself (well, with his mother.) I hope that he will leave, but I'm not holding my breath. Too much of who he is is tied up in his being a JW. I'm not sure that I can replace that for him. And I'm not sure that it's my job to, either.

  GGG
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  Thanks, GGG. Excellent help from your comments.

  In one way, he's at a disadvantage because he doesn't have a clue what I believe anymore,
  whereas I know exactly what he believes and does.

  This was the greatest help. The JW is at a disadvantage. We are not in a Winner-Loser
  situation, but that really helps to put it in prospective. I know what the spouse thinks as
  she learns more JW stuff and observe her meeting and field service participation. She
  doesn't know what I currently believe or what I am learning.

  This can help with my mini-interventions. As I have had to back off on blasting the Tower,
  she forgets how sure I am that it is not the truth, so she will reveal herself to me. I can
  get in my learnings from my research and slip them into my prospective of what she tells me.
  I don't have to reveal that I learned something from Blondie or Undercover. It can just be my
  feelings on the matter at hand.

  She works hard, and has plenty of work-related stuff to discuss. We can still have a relationship
  on a deeper level by revealing our true feelings when discussing that. I can allow myself to grow
  and put things in a secular conversation. I will also find other non-JW's or former JW's to vent with.

  Sometimes, the discussions are like the elephant (or gorilla) in the room. We were discussing
  the wife's best friend. The best friend is going to college (mostly online) and regular pioneering
  and holding down 2 or 3 part-time jobs. She is frustrated and asking for more and more help on
  her college assignments from me and my wife (she actually prefers my help- a GED student with
  no college over my wife with a Master's). Her friend wants to know why I have so much insight.
  I always endeavor to understand things, and have always shared what I learn with the wife. If I can
  help her dedicated friend with secular assignments, and reveal myself without discussing JW stuff,
  I can certainly do it with the wife. OH- the elephant is this: Just quit pioneering and you will have
  70 more hours every month to finish college. I can't wait until the elders tell her she's a bad
  example for a pioneer because she's going to college. This and other stuff made me think about
  how I can't share my daily growth with the wife, but I will find a way.