Faders with a JW spouse, let me ask....

by OnTheWayOut 27 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  JeffT

  True story (I need to save this because I have to keep retyping it).

  In about 1986-87 we started going to the hall less and less. I, frankly, didn't want to go. I was becoming increasingly uneasy with what I was hearing, particularly in relation to the coming end, and the no education talks. Our oldest children were approaching middle school. I started doing some research and eventually was reading CofC on the sly. Wife in the meantime was having health issues and was unable to go to a lot of meetings, but wanted me to keep going.

  So one sunny Sunday morning in the Spring of 1988 we decided to stay home from meeting and talk. I expressed some doubts (put very mildly) about what we were hearing at the hall. Wife then disappears for a minute and I'm sitting at the table drinking coffee when she comes out of the bedroom with CofC in her hand. I figured I was toast until she grinned and said "this is my copy." She'd been cleaning a day or two earlier and found mine where I had it stashed under my side of the bed. She'd been waiting for a good time to pull hers out from under her said of the bed.

  I don't think we went to a meeting again, we went to the DA that summer with a view to looking at it like we'd never heard any of it before, and making up our minds on our own about what we thought. It was the last WTBS event we went to, unless you count protesting.

  It shows you never know what might happen.
• 

  V

  Thanks for the question.

  My wife knows I browse here because I showed her JWD when a topic was spot on an issue we were just discussing. She could not believe that others were so close to our thinking. She was convinced that I had contrived the whole thing.

  Since then she accepts my 'scoops' regarding new JW arrangments, releases, etc as coming from here. She is still prejudiced to apostates and recites her JW talking points when the matter is pressed.

  However she will not read CofC, I believe because she KNOWS it will destroy her credulity in the religion. It is the "unclean thing" to her. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear...
• 

  troubled mind

  Wow I didn't realize how many of us are in the same boat .

  When I quit going to meetings ( a year and a half ago) My husband stopped going because he didn't want to go alone . I have shared a few things with him , but he has never researched anything on his own . He knows I visit this site and I have a feeling he may be lurking some.

  The other night I told him I had talked to a former friend and had told her I was no longer an active witness .......I thought he was going to choke .It is like he lives in a dreamland unattached to reality. I mean he doesn't want to admit our lives have now changed .( I sent out Christmas cards this year ,celebrated my birthday and am attending a church quite frequently .......he never says a thing .)

  I want to know his opinion on things I have learned ,but I have not pushed it .....maybe it is time ....start small and see what he is really thinking ?

  Fear to rock the boat could be my personal anthem , something I want to change .
• 

  startingover

  Let me join the crowd here.

  Really enjoyed reading all of the different situations and how they are being handled. Early on in my fade, I went the wrong way and forced issues I realize now I shouldn't have. I still have a good marriage, and a wife that knows how I stand and we still love each other in spite of our differences. As long as we don't talk serious JW stuff we are just fine. And I am lucky enough to have many JW's that are willing to treat me like she does which makes it easier on her too. If I ever get a label I'm sure things would be different.

  My wife left for the DC this morning and yesterday I just couldn't help but mention the title of the DC this year. I asked her if she thought "Follow the Christ" was an unwitness like expression. She didn't get on the defensive and said she thought since many people think JW's don't beleive in Jesus this was a way of letting them know they did. If I know of some factual event involving the society I make sure to let her know I am aware of it, preferably before she finds out herself. I want her to know that I am keeping abreast of what's going on in the organization, and that the info I have is credible.
• 

  garybuss

  When a person is challenged on a closely held, cherished belief, that's not defendable, their behavior is pretty predictable. They can concede they were in love with a delusion, or they can use a loser's tools. The believer must discredit my sources, they must challenge my motives, or they must attack me as a person.
  
  When a spouse refuses to talk, that's fractional shunning, and it's an attack on me. When a spouse leaves that's full shunning and it's the ultimate attack on me.
  
  I'd never make religion a topic for rules in a marriage. I'd ask if we can be open and honest with each other without discredits, challenged motives, or personal attacks on all subjects and if the answer is no, I'd head for the nearest door and to my favorite attorney. If the answer is yes, I'd move to the next two topics of sharing time together and agreeing on a unity of purpose. Because if we just don't talk about religion but don't spend time together or share a common goal, I'd head for the nearest door and to my favorite attorney.
  
  If my spouse just wants a marriage of appearances that's really just about sex and business, I'd head for the nearest door and to my favorite attorney. I can hire a housekeeper, an accountant, and a hooker a heck of a lot cheaper than I can keep a bitchy Witness wife in car and keep.
  
  
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  If my spouse just wants a marriage of appearances that's really just about sex and business, I'd head for the nearest door and to my favorite attorney. I can hire a housekeeper, an accountant, and a hooker a heck of a lot cheaper than I can keep a bitchy Witness wife in car and keep.

  I will keep that in mind if it ever comes to that for me. Right now, I enjoy "dating" my wife of nearly 20 years.
  She cares about me, and doesn't force the JW stuff on me, so I don't force the anti-JW stuff on her, except in
  little tiny doses. That makes me more guilty than her, I suppose, but I know she really wants to be freed from
  her false concept.

  Some wives pull in money, mine does. That means that I don't have to spend so much on the services you
  describe. Divorce would be very expensive for some, so I might disagree with them, but understand why they
  tolerate the problems. Still, the price of personal freedom and enjoyment of life should not be a sacrificing of
  freedom of speech and exchange of ideas. That means, Gary, that I fully agree with your above statement.
• 

  Poztate

  There are times that I want to share some info I've gleaned but her defense mechanism kicks in right off the bat anytime I mention anything JW related in even the slightest negative light. So I usually don't bother. Since she rarely mentions JW stuff either, we just go on ignoring the elephant in the room.

  Been there....still doing that to this day..
• 

  Black Sheep

  Never say anything they can use their twisted reasoning to refute.

  My wife almost never disagrees with anything I say.

  When she has disagreed, I have left the subject for a few days and then shown her an 'interesting article' in the most recent publication I can find that exposes her as being dishonest.

  It isn't working.

  Cheers

  Chris