is being in love with your spouse a decision or an emotion? when to divorc

sosad

I would like some advice from any of you that have been there - a good friend of mine had an affair years ago, ended up working with the same guy and is now in love with her boyfriend instead of her husband ( several kids involved) The affair is now not a physical one but there is no doubt they are dating. I wish i was unaware but i am - she says she has picked her family over the boyfriend but he is like a bumble bee around her- walking her dog past her house etc The boyfriend is older, married and has always been a tomcat - now he is truly in love and will wait

I have told her it is going to blow up - and i know it is her deal to figure out - but I am from the happily married class and am at a loss. I have told her life is decisions and I believe that if she decides to be with her husband she can make it work - and be happy. i don't beleive she has looked at the "real life" drama this would be - it is not a movie

am i right? is divorce ever worth it if it is not for abuse -

PoppyR

I think being and staying in love with your spouse are both decisions and emotions. Certainly all marraiges will go through tough patches, and remembering why you loved someone and married them in the first place and putting the work in can bring great joy and love back.

This does however take a lot more effort than thinking the new and more exciting model is going to be the one for you! And with children involved you do have to think about their happiness. You may have to weigh up the pros of being with the right person, against the cons of all the difficulties involved with step children, custody and long term effects.

I can say all of this with first hand experience. I got married young and virginal and to my first proper boyfriend. Yes I loved him, still do actually, but it was just not right between us, we were like brother and sister, and I cant imagine any amount of work, or counselling or hypnotherapy bringing the passion back.

However I would say for your friend that she will never be able to make a proper go of her marraige while the boyfriend is on the scene, she needs to cut that out of her life and concentrate on what's important. Otherwise the decision may be made for her.

Poppy

sammielee24

is divorce ever worth it if it is not for abuse

Yes........and who are any of us to define what another should be forced to endure within a relationship, based on our own assumptions, religious beliefs etc. What one may be willing to sacrifice for their idealogy, does not perhaps mean another is willing to sacrifice in the same manner. With all action comes re-action - that is what one should be aware of and truly look inward to be sure they are strong enough and sure enough to forge ahead. sammieswife.

sosad

so - what could my friend expect - the good and the bad? if she stays or goes

I come down hard on the side of staying married so i am trying to be able to give her a balanced view

anyone out there decide to stay and are now happy? anyone think i am Pollyanna?

i appreciate your thoughts very much -

nvrgnbk

Why would anyone want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with them anymore?

sosad

that is the problem -who is staying with who that doesn't want to stay

from her perspective, i think - her husband knows there is a connection but doesn't really know (or has his ears covered and is going lalala so as not to hear),

she claims to love them both- but the romantic love is definitly for the boyfriend

MY vote is for her to tell the boyfriend to "scram" but as they work together and her and hubby are not exactly "happily ever after" at the moment. I am afraid for her - whether or not her and boyfriend are met for each other in the romantic sense, in real life vs reel life there is a ton of stuff here - and i got nothing

i try hard not to be judgemental - but i am trying to understand the situation and how to be a friend to her

nvrgnbk

she claims to love them both- but the romantic love is definitly for the boyfriend

That's my point. No need to judge her. It is what it is. But, why would he want to be with her, knowing that she wants the other guy? And if he doesn't know, she owes it to him to let him know.

sosad

she is saying that for the kids she is staying with her husband - and that they have an ok life and a chance at a relationship but her comments include that she never really loved her husband - she loves him as the father of her children now.

if he knew, with a certianty, then i think she would leave him - but i also think he is choosing not to leave

maybe the thread should have been is it right to stay together for the sake of the kids

my fears include the boyfriends history - the reality of mixing up a family- and what makes a family anyway??? is it emotion? is it commitment? is it stupidity?

nvrgnbk

maybe the thread should have been is it right to stay together for the sake of the kids

No easy answers there.

I wish the best for all involved. And it's good to see that you care so much about your friend.

Just one additional point to consider. Will the children learn that a loveless marriage is a good thing, something to hold onto?

sosad

and that is the thing - is it loveless to raise your kids together? is it possible to find a love based on more than romance? can you leave a lover and stay with a spouse and be happy and raise incredible, well adjusted kids????

does commitment make the marriage, or will my friend be a sad old lady?

is being in love with your spouse a decision or an emotion? when to divorc

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