my fears include the boyfriends history
history being...??
is being in love with your spouse a decision or an emotion? when to divorc
by sosad 23 Replies latest jw friends
-
J-ex-W
-
Sarah Smiles
I think that she should dump the boyfriend because he is a jerk for dating a married woman with children. Like you said a Tom Cat!
It really does not have anything to do with a boyfriend or husband but your friend.
-
Mysterious
If she honestly wants to make a go of her relationship she needs to break things off with the boyfriend and not to have any contact with him whatsoever. I think ideally she should make the decision of whether to stay with her husband or not based on their relationship rather than the boyfriend. Who knows if things with him would even work out. If she is unhappy enough to leave her husband and kids then sure she should divorce as amiably as possible, work out custody arrangements and then wait for the boyfriend to be simiarly free of attachments to get together. If she is not unhappy enough to leave him (assuming there were no boyfriend) then she should not divorce simply for him. As for staying together for the kids, if the parents are unhappy it can still have an impact. However, so can instability such as their mother becoming involved in numerous temporary relationships. Don't look at me, my boyfriend and I stayed together for the cat.
-
sosad
this is helpful to me - thank you all
my suggestion is that the boyfriend get a divorce if he is unhappy, regardless of what my friend does. but he hasen't over the past twently years of affairs- why would he now (I suggested to my friend it was becasue he is starting to show his almost 50 years, but maybe i am just defending my friend)
my friend defends his right to stay with his wife as she is with her husband
i have questioned what real life with the boyfriend would be like - my friend thinks i am being too hard on him, but this guy has lived a shallow life and now that he is really in love with someone (and she is not shallow) he really is going to push until he has her
but will that be more happily ever after than staying with her husband?
the issues with her husband, besides the fact that he is not her boyfriend is that he is very quiet and in my opinion, doesn't stand up to her at all - ie - the boyfriend showed up at their house last week, at the kids lemonade stand and the husband said nothing. Granted he doesn't know the whole story, but he knows something is up. All he said was "that guy has a lot of nerve, showing up here"....he is totaly willing to trust his wife and i think she is waiting for him to call her on it - but the husband doesn't want to lose his wife
-
RollerDave
Staying faithful is like carrying a gun for defense.
It's all about situational awareness, avoiding dangerous situations and getting out of risky situations you blunder into before anybody gets hurt.
Unfaithfulness begins long before anybody begins shedding clothes, it develops when we allow feelings for another to grow within us, nurture them, begin growing cold towards our spouse...
If one is aware, they can stay loyal, in that way it's a decision.
If they are like most folks, blissfully unaware of anything going on around them, the emotions are upon them before they are even aware there was a choice to be made.
They wandered into a dark alley where a gang hangs out.
Side note, people really ARE blissfully unaware of their surroundings, I openly and obviously carry a gun everywhere I go, and I can tell who notices, most really don't. I was even wearing a big frigging hogleg in a shoulder rig all over town one weekend to see if folks would notice, nothing. Nada.
I asked one fellow I was more than passingly acquainted with if it were somehow not obvious and he was like, Oh! My! I didn't see that! I thought you were wearing a backpack!
Priceless.
RD
-
Junction-Guy
Ask her this question-"would you, or your boyfriend be as non chalant towards each other if you susepcted one another of cheating" Would your boyfriend be as forgiving of you for cheating on him?
My gut feeling is her husband already knows and is being way too fair towards her, but he might really love her and not want to lose her.
just my gut feeling, as I dont know them personally. -
Junction-Guy
And who's to say that some other guy doesnt come along and steal her away from this boyfriend or vice versa?
If you love somebody, you stick with them, unless there is some kind of major abuse. There will always be people out there that you will find attractive and that flirt with you, but when you marry you make a commitment.
My grandpa cheated on my grandma and left her for another woman, turns out this woman cheated on him, and he also cheated on her. Its a vicious cycle and sometimes payback can be hell, unless of course you dont value the idea of a commitment in the first place. -
Magick
if you are hungry, why buy yourself an entire meal when you can go around the supermarket tasting samples from the sweet demo ladies. (or insert cow and milk analogy here)
we all want a quick fix. someone to take our problems away or at least destract us from them. it takes the responsibilty of decision, change and hard work away from us!
heres the thing. if this person is unhappy in her marriage. then closing her eyes and pretending she's not really married isn't the answer. dating the first person who shows us attention isn't the answer.
you can't run away from yourself. this person is a married lady with a family. she can't live in a fantasy world and pretend that isn't the case.
if she is not happy being a married lady...then take the steps to get out on her own. own up the responsibilty of her wants.
once she is on her own, supporting herself...she will then be free to date whoever she wants. and she probably won't want the tom cat.
-
misanthropic
closing her eyes and pretending she's not really married isn't the answer. dating the first person who shows us attention isn't the answer.
you can't run away from yourself. this person is a married lady with a family. she can't live in a fantasy world and pretend that isn't the case.
if she is not happy being a married lady...then take the steps to get out on her own. own up the responsibilty of her wants.
once she is on her own, supporting herself...she will then be free to date whoever she wants. and she probably won't want the tom cat.
I couldn't agree more. My older sister once said that "any woman could love any man" if they were the only 2 people left in the world. I've thought about that for a long time since and I have to agree. To commit to someone there must have been something there in the first place. Lust or infatuation isn't equal to love, if you marry someone I would think that there was an emotion as well as a decision to love that person. -
Sarah Smiles
I am lost for words on this one!