by coffee_black 22 Replies latest jw friends
Dear Black_Coffee,
Oh my gosh!! I am so sorry, what a terribly scarey thing!!! I see scarey possibilities if she stays and if she runs. I am sure you are weighing them all out. Please be careful!! He may very well come looking for her, and find where you live. So please be safe.. all of you!!
Sincerely,
Lady Liberty
Please get her and the kids to safety right away. When you get them to your state or your town, please get them help from the state domestic violence chapter. They are equiped to assist her and the kids to safety.
You read about so much tragedy anymore when bezerko psychopaths take out entire families, don't take any chances.
Sending good energy your way.
Sherry
Is all this behavior recent? Is it documented?
I think it would behoove you to find a GOOD lawyer if she stayed--one who can end the divorce fast and who can help make things stick. It could be worth it in the long run!!!
If your state has better protection against domestic abuse, I hope she considers moving there, too. It will be harder for him to bother her, even if he finds her. Especially if there is a recent threat, she must consider this alternative seriously.
I had a friend whose daughter was in a similar situation; he was psychotic/bipolar, and alternately threatened and apologized. He eventually killed himself. They think he did it (while lucid) to end the horrible cycle he couldn't control.
bebu
coffee_black, get her and kids to a safe place. Remind her that it is more than her kids physical lives but emotional lives that are being threatened. Even if he doesn't kill her, what picture will that put in their minds and scar them.
Check with the authorities where she lives and where he lives. With recent events of family murders, they may be more receptive. Whatever tell her it won't get better without intervention, better for her and the kids. Don't bother worry about "saving" him.
In this area I know of 2 female jws that were threatened with a gun by their jw husbands and the elders did nothing. They were lucky that the kids called the police on one and the gun jammed on the other.
Call any battered women groups and they can help you better than we can...yes, WAC, there are many wackos out there that should be locked up.
Blondie
Save all documentation of restraining orders and violations of same.
Take multiple copies to court again and if they can't provide surety of her protection, have her lawyer inform the court that she will leave the state to get the protection she needs.
If she leaves the state, do not leave forwarding addresses especially with the postal service.
We live close, if I could be any help in the future just pm me.
Not only would I insist that she move in with me...I would threaten to take my grandchildren from my daughter if she didn't.
She must protect her children and herself at all costs...
lisa
She has copies of all the restraining orders against him (both her own and others with all the statements involved) and his psych evaluations. A friend referred me to a good lawyer here.... I just told her about the shelter in my state... She doesn't want to go that route. She could stay with me....but I live with a cousin, and there really isn't space for an extended stay... I know my cousin would take her in in a minute though, and it may come to that.
Not all of this is recent, although the pattern seems to be getting worse. He recently threatened her life in front of their 12 year old son.
Thanks for all of your advice...We've got a lot of thinking to do.....
Coffee
She is planning on taking it all to the authorities....and has friends she will stay with until he is safely behind bars... Apparently using their son's social security number is fraud that he can go to prison for. She's already talked to the police about that one. They told her to get the documentation and they will act on it....She has the proof now...she had sent away for copies of his credit file and she has all she needs to document it now.
I want her out of here now....and she may....I just wish I had a magic wand. He hasn't ever abused the kids physically. They are honor students....and great kids.
Coffee
I was going to say, but you've already discovered, that you can't fix this problem alone. Your daughter has to be a partner in this. She has six years experience so far. Hopefullly she knows how to stay safe. Blondie knows from experience the sorts of scars a monster like this leaves on the children. Remind your daughter of that.
[Edited to add] Not that I want to add to your fear and pain, but I feel I must comment on this:
He hasn't ever abused the kids physically. They are honor students....and great kids.
These kids have learned to cope with a violently uncontrollable parent. Even if they are self-reliant and smart, I can practically guarantee they are going to have trouble committing, trusting, believing in their partner, and possibly trouble trusting authorities as well. After all, who protected them when they were at their most vulnerable? Children are amazingly adaptable and resilient. But my heart bleeds for the cost they are paying for their disrupted childhood and premature maturity.
Seriously, I would leave lots of his favorite sweets on the counter with a few bottles of his favorite liquor, empty the house of everything else, and take the family away without telling anyone. She could look into changing their names too, and dying their hair.
But then again I am not too patient when it comes to abusers.
Regardless of his several diseases that play into this behavior, it is his fault he hasn't taken responsibility for his recovery.
