Coco, I so understand.
My father was a pistol....he was Manic Depressive through the years and no one new what was going on till he was diagnosed in his late 50's. As kids, we were always walking on eggs, but loved him/hated him just the same.
He was a hard worker and provided like a king for our family, and my mom is sitting very pretty,... very unusual for a witness in retirement years.
He left the truth after being an elder about 25 years ago, before the internet etc., yet had figured out that 607 was very wrong, 1914 way off, among other things. No one would talk to him. He was considered an apostate. How I wish I could talk to him now.... when I had the opportunity, but I was too staunch in supporting my mother, even though I felt otherwise.
When I was older, he was so proud of me. He sent me wonderful birthday cards and I have the last one from him. I was just turning 40. He sent me 200.00 in cash and told me I had to spend it on myself, not the kids, not my husband.
That same fall he died......Thankfully I was able to spend that late summer and fall taking care of him....
Like you Coco, there are many days I miss him terribly.
r.