My Husband is Lost to THEM

by Mrs. Witness 34 Replies latest watchtower bible

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  Mrs. Witness

  Hello. I need some support, some suggestions, and perhaps a gut-check. My husband was baptized in March. He was raised from the time he was about 7 until his mom kicked him out at 15 (wasn't she loving? I guess protecting her younger two at the expense of her oldest was more important!...but I digress). He was away from it for some 20+ years and during those years had trouble with alcoholism and drug use. When we got together, I said "no more drugs & booze". He quit. He never talked to me about his desire to be JW again until OUR HONEYMOON (he is a chess player...can you say 'checkmate'?). I've never been a JW and have opposed it from the start...vehemently after my research. He dabbled on his own for a month or so but couldn't handle me and my daughter (from a previous relationship) attending the Methodist church I attended as a child. He broke down one night and said "no more religion". I agreed and we stopped going anywhere. Some time later, we decided to get pregnant. About 10 months after the birth of our daughter, he decided he had to return. Long story short, here I am today: Mrs. Witness.

  I took the advice from one of the posts (sorry, I can't remember whose suggestion it was but, thank you!) to read the book "Captives of a Concept". It is the best book I've read and goes at the Society from a totally non-religious view (by that I mean, offering an alternative or condeming them on scriptural interpretaion). I tried to start a conversation with my husband by saying "do you believe the WBTS is 'God's Organization'?". He said "yes". I said "when did Jesus choose them as his FDS?". He said 33 C.E. I said, "you've twisted my question". blah, blah, blah...he then said 1914 and I couldn't take it any more and yelled "1919!" then he said "yes, you're right".. DUH! Anyway, I hopefully have planted a seed but I need help and advice...he's gung-ho. Help!!
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  Chad M

  Mrs. Witness, you have my sympathy. When my mother became a JW, my father wanted no part of it. It put distance between them and four years later they divorced. What makes this a tough situation is that your husband has been conditioned to avoid the people who most could help him break free. A shrink or a marriage counselor could help, for starters, but he's likely to resist that. I hope you can persuade him. Peace.
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  GetBusyLiving

  Nice of him to bring up his desire to become active as a Witnoid on your honeymoon! Well, I am very sorry to hear about your situation. Witnesses can be damn near impossible to get through to unless they are having doubts and want to help themselves. Hope you find some consolation here. Welcome.

  GBL
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  Scully

  It's a case of bait and switch, don't you think?

  He drops the news that he's thinking about going back to the JWs on your honeymoon? Why not tell you before the wedding - obviously it was on his mind before that, right? He doesn't like it that you go to church with your daughter and vetoes attending any church services, and when you comply, he starts going to the KH again?

  Bottom line, even if he thinks he is doing the right thing, he was wrong in dragging you into his mess, keeping that information from you until after you were married, and then getting you even more invested in the relationship by having a child with him before deciding to return to the JWs whole hog.

  Realize that part of this is mind control at work. I highly recommend that you get Combatting Cult Mind Control by Steve Hassan. There are probably some external influences drawing him back in to the JWs. Maybe he wants to re-establish relationships with his JW relatives, and there are specific steps that are required by the JWs in order for that to occur. Once he is reinstated, there are further incremental demands placed on him in order for him to retain "good standing" and continued association with JW relatives and friends.

  This belief system is something like going fishing. Once the fish is hooked with whatever bait works, continuing to hold the bait out for them keeps them hooked and allows them to be reeled in more and more.

  If you want to stay married to him, you and your children have a very long road ahead of you. I'm glad you're here - there are lots of people in similar situations to yours and they have a wealth of information and support to offer you.
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  carla

  Hello and welcome.

  I am in a similar situation as yourself and have been battling the jw mindset for a number of years now. We were married many, many years and have children. From my years of reading about jw's, cults, mind control, brainwashing, high control groups, thought reform and doctrinal issues until I'm blue in the face I have found the reasons jw's leave are as numerous as grains of sand on the beach. There is no silver bullet. Some leave because of doctrinal issues, some for the scandals, some for the unloving nature of the cong. I can tell you not to go at him with both guns blazing! Not too much info at one time, the cult mindset will kick in immediately. You can actually see it physically wash over their face and the change in their eyes too.

  We have an agreement in our house, absolutely no wt literature is to be left out anywhere and in turn I do not leave out my so called apostate literature. You have a little one with him? I never allowed my kids anywhere near a kh! ever. I also rarely ever left him alone with our kids as he would try and preach at them.(Never trust a jw, even your own husband to not preach to anybody, they will lie and even promise not to but will anyway.) It is difficult to say the least but I felt their well being overrided anything I wanted or needed to do. He of course did want them to visit a kh but there is a possiblility his kh has let a pedophile go back into the cong (long story) and why would I willingly send my child to a place like that? I also said if they had to go there then me & kids would explore the religions of the world including the dreaded Catholics (dreaded in a jw mind), all the Protestants, Wiccans, Hindu's, you name it! we would go to a service. That stopped any thought of him bringing them to a kh. Once I found out he had been trying to secretly convert the kids the gloves went on and my kids are now informed about the pedophile problem, doctrinal lunacies, false prophecies, UN scandal, Rand Cam, all the other hypocricies, murder/suicides, deaths due to blood issue, the insane ridiculous rules and regulations and on and on. Not only that, they have experience for themselves the change within him and in essence have lost their dad. The dad they used to know before the jw's. Shades of him still peak through but the jw elephant follows us everywhere.

  Its funny, when all this first began and I was asking for advice some said not to panic, some said yes now is the time to panic, go at him using the bible only, don't even try to use the bible instead go at him with all the lies & flip flops of the wt, some said find all the scandals and show him using non apostate sites/books, I didn't know what the heck to do so I gathered everything! They cannot handle so much info at one time. Have you tried Steve Hassan's books? They are helpful to some for 'deprogramming ' of sorts. What does your pastor say? There are anti cult org's out there that may be of help to you as well. Every situation is different, every jw has a different reason for being one. Some for the carrot of paradise earth, some for the social network, some because they truly believe these wicked men in NY are THE fds of the bible, some because they are finally 'somebody' in the cong, don't underestimate the feeling a cult member gets by being part of an org that can 'save the world'.

  All the best to you, post often as your friends and family really cannot comprehend how much the wt infiltrates your life and cannot understand how your husband could join a cult.

  carla
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  Smiles_Smiles

  Welcome Mrs Witness. Wow what a thing to have to deal with!! I am sorry you are in this situation. ((HUGS)))

  As someone said earlier it is very hard to get through to a witness unless they are having 'serious' doubts and want to help themselves. They go into defense mode and allot of times it is like you never said anything at all because everything can be reasoned away in their minds. So you probably are in for a long battle depending on how much time and effort you are willing to put into this and more importantly where your husband is in his journey. Most of the time we cant make a person change unfortunatly.

  But there is some hope ... personally I was raise as a JW. I left of my own accord at 16 and went back to it after I had my daughter about 10 years later. Even though my body was free for that long my mind was still enslaved. It was evidenced by me defending the religion even when I was not a part of it. That is a tall tell sign that a person is still enslaved to the mindset of the religion in one way or another. Anyway I was in it for about 7 years until I woke up. I was TOTALLY snowed while in it. But then I slowly began to wake up. And now I am out and have certainty that I will never return because I have proven to myself the crap just aint right.

  Looking back ... I had allot of things I needed to heal from my childhood. And before going back I had not been able to totally get over that stuff. And since my mom (the main person connected to my disfunction/unhealthiness) was still a JW there was no way to get close enough to her so that I could get over my childhood stuff and finally let it and her go. At the time all I knew is I was in the 'truth' but hindsight is 20/20. So maybe even though he doesn't know it consciously he is trying to heal old wounds. And just maybe he will succeed and will wake up. But that is allot of maybe's.

  With that being said it doesn't mean you have to be dragged through this crap with him. Definitly set you bounderies and the bounderies for your children. Got back to your church if that is what you want. This is your partner not your father and him setting regulations on your actions will probably only get worse if he buys into the whole JW 'me man me head of my household ~ you woman you submission to my demands~. Hopefully he wont but I would be careful not to let him feel he can totally take over the household with his new found JW bs no matter how much HE may THINK it will benefit yall.

  Good luck! This may be a long road ahead of you. (((HUGS)))

  Smiles
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  unique1

  WOW, I have no advice, but you have my sympathy nonetheless. I hope others who have deal with similar things on here can help you.
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  Marcel

  hello mrs. witness!
  
  deep symphathy from me for you. im in a situation which is very similar in some ways. im a raised and officially active jw though. but my marriage is at the very same crossroads (just without children. i dont want kids with THAT kind of questions still open).
  
  hope you can help him. but dont forget: being too harsh with a witness just proves for him, that satan is trying to lure him away. too much critics may be (mis-)interpreted as proof for the truth (lol).
  
  the main problem i see being a non-witness spouse of a witness is that the congregation tries to build up a wall between your husband and you. even though they arent allowed to leave you you are always "the problem", the extra hardness the witness have to endure. loving elders help your spouse to stay strong in faith even though he/she had YOU as him/her wife/husband.
  
  its a sad imaginiation for me :/ i fear that will happen to me when i leave someday.
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  Hortensia

  I don't have anything useful to say except that there are so many different folks on this board with so many different experiences that this is probably the best place to start getting help. I find just reading the experiences others are having helps me, even when I don't have the same problem. Keep posting, this will be a support network for you. Your husband has been deceitful already, and has begun to destroy the trust between you. He may wake up and regret that some day; I hope so. When the trust is destroyed it is hard to maintain the relationship. I hope you keep all sorts of options open in your mind.
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  Mrs. Witness

  Thank you so much everyone for your posts! One tidbit I forgot is that we are in counselling right now. It's funny to watch the therapist's face when my hubby is talking. Last night she hit the nail on the head that he's defined himself by his religion, uses it as a filter, and speaks a different language than I do because of that.

  I so agree with you about lying! I found out he was using WT literature with my daughter (after I forbade it) and about lost my mind. So I said, if you are REALLY a Christian, all you need is the bible when you witness and I backed an elder into the same corner with that argument. Neither one could tell me that they HAVE to use their "bible aids" because it would have exposed them as non-Christians. Hmm.

  Anyway, thanks again! I'll be back with more!