Pointers please in writing my letter of Disassociation!

by tremoka 27 Replies latest jw friends

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  tremoka

  WoooHooo! I've made my decision! I'm doing it, can't live in limbo any longer. It's not healthy for me, nor a good example for my children. PROBLEM. I have JW family who lives in an in law suite and I'm afraid of hurting them. I am afraid of stressing my husband out financially if they decide they can't live in the household and we loose their rent. (I know we'd be tight but I've got great business ideas for the space) I've told my husband what I need to do, he's supportive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! He's also worried about business ties.

  So, how do I go about doing this?
• 

  YoursChelbie

  Great news!

  I think this letter from Black Swan of Memphis is a good example of some points to cover.

  She posted this a while back. It's one of the best I've ever read:
  
  http://www.jehovahs-witness.com/7/105057/1.ashx

  YC
• 

  tremoka

  A few things I failed to mention.

  My husband is an inactive JW who until this year believed in the 'truth' and that there was just something wrong with him. Then I bought him Crisis of Conscience and some other Mind control recovery stuff. It's been a HUGE healing for him.

  It is HIS family that lives with us not mine. So I know this would stir up some major commotion in their relationship.

  I could really use some thoughts and helpful guidance in this situation!

  Cheers!
• 

  journey-on

  Is there some reason you NEED to disassociate rather than just quietly fade and avoid the drama from your inlaws?
• 

  tremoka

  I live in a small town. Run into Jws all the time. I'm constantly looking over my shoulder if I'm in a store buying a b-day card. I want to openly celebrate xmas & holidays and not have to worry about a phone call or a door knocking or judicial actions. I don't want my kids to have to hide or shy away from school activities that are looked down on or forbidden. Which happened this year, my daughter was part of the school choir and they performed xmas carols at nursing homes and the local mall. I told her if anyJWs saw her it we'd be kicked out of the religion and it would cause many problems. What does that teach her? I don't want them living in fear! I do not want my children to develp a double life style complex. I'm tired of randomly being called on for congregation activities (although this rarely happens) but any contacts I may have tend to re-open traumas I've had.

  I need to put this behind me and move on with my life! I've tried living low key-it's emotionally unhealthy and untrue to myself. Now if we could move away it may be another story. But there's no way that's possible.
• 

  exwitless

  Your reasons are very valid. I'm all for DAing. My husband (Little Drummer Boy) and I DA'd last September. It's the best thing we could have done, for the very reasons you mentioned. Elders were bugging us all the time, calling,stopping by, leaving WTs in the door, wanting us to study to revive our "love for Jehovah". We wanted to celebrate Christmas and we didn't want to hide it from the borg or be looking over our shoulders all the time when we went shopping for decorations,etc. That wasn't our only reason for DAing, but the main issue was to get them off our backs!!! Like I said, it's the best thing we could have done. It's been so quiet and peaceful since then.
• 

  journey-on

  I don't want my kids to have to hide or shy away from school activities that are looked down on or forbidden.

  I didn't think of that. I see your point for sure. This religion is hard enough on kids. I know, I was raised in it.
• 

  jaguarbass

  So, how do I go about doing this?

  Dont do it.

  When you disassociate your playing their game.

  Passive resistance is the way to go.

  My wife and I just stopped going I havent went since 83. I get invited to family get togethers, not that it matters to me, it does to my wife.

  My mother and sister dissaciated themselves. That made them Pariahs.

  I wouldnt do anything for a witnoid or the wactower. If the wactower was on fire, I wouldnt pixx on it.

  Or to put it in simpler terms dont cut off your nose to spite yourself.
• 

  garybuss

  Hi tremoka,
  
  It sounds like you need relief more than resolution right now. Why not go for the relief now and save the closure for later. If closure hurts me or somebody else important to me then that's not the kind of closure I want, it's more like revenge.
  
  Sometimes a good defense feels a little like closure because it brings a feeling of control and the feeling of control brings temporary relief. The control feeling is a delusion, but it feels good and it's a okay temporary measure for me at times.
  
  Any time I acted on emotion I was sorry. It's been true in purchases and it's been true in personal relationships. I have a wait three days rule for myself. I also have a talk to a sage rule. Before I do anything big, I want to measure the consequences, calculate the cost (both short term and long term), and identify my assumptions and give them weight and value as numbers.
  
  Closure never comes to me through a double bind. A double bind is having two bad choices. Whenever I'm in a double bind of an emotional nature, there's always a third choice I can't see. Sometimes there's a whole bunch of choices I can't see right away.
  
  I made all my messes before I really talked to any former Witnesses and before I had Internet access. I wouldn't repeat any of my mistakes with the brain I have today. I got my education AFTER I screwed up. I would very strongly advise against doing that.
  
  I had good success talking things through with a counselor. Why not defer burning any bridges for a while and do a couple months of counseling with a solution focused counselor? You don't need to study the problem, you know the problem. I think you will benefit from looking at rational options and studying the solution with an impartial objective professional.
  
  
  
• 

  exwitless

  When you disassociate your playing their game.

  This argument has been rolled over many times on this board. DA or don't DA? Is DAing "playing their game" or is it our way of disfellowshipping the WT from us? I think there is really only one answer to questions like these: it depends. It depends on a lot of things like whether you still have family in the borg you want to keep in touch with, or if the elders are on your back and you feel like you're being spied on, or whether you have children who would love to celebrate holidays and birthdays like their classmates, and endless other things.

  It's not our place to judge someone for their decision to DA or not DA. DAing for LDB and I was the best thing we could've done, and I'd do it again. But maybe it's not right for others. It all depends on each person's circumstances. I agree with Garybuss in that this should not be a rash decision. LDB and I planned on DAing about 8 months in advance and thought it out thoroughly. Seeking the advice of a counselor might help, but it might not, unless the counselor is an ex-JW. Non-exdub counselors likely lack the depth of understanding needed in a situation like this.