How Long???

by Xena 38 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  MegaDude

  Hi Xena,

  Your situation is exactly what I wrestled with for years after stopping going to the meetings. I didn't want to be a JW anymore, but my closest friends and family members were dubs. What to do?
  The real truth I came to realize is I wasn't ready to lose family members and friends. But this avoidance kept me under the control of the Watchtower. If people or family members began avoiding you because you are given an official label by the Watchtower, are these people really worth having in your life? Even despite the pain of loss? Only you can answer that question.

  Ultimately my circumstances led me to DA myself. (long story) But if I had had a choice, I would have quietly faded away. It is easier if you have family in the dubs to be a fader. Was not able to do that since my wife at the time was a loyal dub. That way I could have at least maintained my relationship with my brother, who I was very close to at one time.

  Xena, I think the more important question is what effect your secrecy is having on your daughter. What is she learning from having to keep normal things like birthdays, holidays, cheerleading, a secret?
  Do you want your daughter to have a relationship with people, or family, that will shun her mother because you celebrated the day of your daughter being born or whatever the Watchtower says is wrong?

  Something to think about.

  Depending on how rabid your former congregational elders are, you may be DF'd or maybe they will leave you alone despite what they hear about you. The first body of elders that came after me decided to leave me alone, despite the fact I was attending another church, reading Ray Franz's books, and talking with Ex-JWs. My wife's next body of elders in her new congregation were the search and destroy type elders. They gave me an ultimatum, cease anything that the Watchtower didn't approve of or be DF'd. I said I had no intention of changing anything, and DA'd. There isn't much consistency between halls that I've seen.

  Ultimately, despite the loss, I'm glad my bridge to the JWs is permanently burned.
• 

  radar

  Xena

  When I became a JW, I did so at the loss of familly friendship.
  A gulf arose between us over things like christmas, birthdays etc add to that the enormous time you devote to that faith and it leaves little time for real family contact.
  I like many others made this sacrifice because we thought it was God's will.
  It came down to standing up for what you believe.
  I see and understand why many on this board prefer to remain annonimous.It is because many like yourself do not want to be shunned or be the cause familly hardships.

  Does your not rocking the boat, so to speak, make things better in the long run?
  A rule of thumb regarding Discipline from the watchtower elders: weakness versus wickedness. If you have doubts about the bible or miss meetings, then generally you will be regarded as "weak". If you express doubts about the watchtower and attend meetings then you are likely to be considered "wicked".
  If you want to remain in good standing with relatives then do not go anywhere near meetings and never speak ill about the watchtower. You might get the odd visit from the local elders, but if you keep in mind what I have said then you will prosper good health to you!!

  Only you can decide or judge, but I suspect that you are having a crises of conscience here.

  Radar
• 

  hillary_step

  Radar,

  One of the things that seems to keep people coming to this board even after having left the WTS decades ago is the problem with non-communicative families due to shunning, DA, etc.

  Does your not rocking the boat, so to speak, make things better in the long run?

  The fact is yes, it does make things better - much better. A person is able to leave the WTS and still have the friendship of the people that they often hold to be the dearest thing in their lives.

  The diplomatic course is not of course for everybody, but people should think very carefully, and count the costs before taking another path.

  HS
• 

  radar

  Hilary step

  Like I said, only each individual can decide on this subject.

  You said........."The fact is yes, it does make things better"
  I can only assume that your speaking from your own experience.

  Many thought "it made things better" when they became JWs, didn't they?

  _________________________________________________________________
  One of the things that seems to keep people coming to this board even after having left the WTS decades ago is the problem with non-communicative families due to shunning
  _____________________________________________________________________
  As a matter of interest, how long ago did you cut ties with the watchtower?

  Radar
• 

  hillary_step

  Radar,

  Click my 'threads started' you will get a little history.

  HS
• 

  fancyschmancy28

  Hello,

  I just stumbled on this thread. I brought this question up a few days ago. I was wondering if I should try to get officially df'd or disassociate myself. I faded away about 17 years ago. I got some really good advice. Basically, I was told to let sleeping dogs lie. I have been out of the local congragations physical local for years. My family, on my mother's side, is also all JW. I do not want to put them in a position of having to choose between a relationship with me or with the JW's. I would lose. My mother speaks to my df's sister, so I do not see her shunning me. I do think the rest of the family might.

  I found some of the comments here interesting. At a recent, (just last week) family gathering, I brought up the UN issue to a cousin who is very, ardent. He listened intently and said it was a bunch of balony and even if they were in the UN, it was because they had a good reason. I gave up. Now I am concerned he might take those comments and "turn me in." I am not going to lose sleep over it though.
• 

  Xena

  lol leave it to you Mega to find my weakest spot (you were an elder, weren't you???) I do worry about the effects of teaching my daughter to keep certain things "secret". Is this a pattern I really want to start? I have so far handled this by explaining that we do not want to upset or hurt them by telling them about these things...she seems to understand that, but worries she is going to slip up sometimes when she is with them..I try to relieve this by stressing that is it OK if she does slip up...it's not that big a deal...lol what a tangled web we weave though, huh?

  Do you want your daughter to have a relationship with people, or family, that will shun her mother because you celebrated the day of your daughter being born or whatever the Watchtower says is wrong?

  Well actually I do want her to have a relationship with them...why you may ask...because they are her family too and she has a right to know them. I will not be the one to shun them or have my daugher shun them for their beliefs...I would rather teach her to pity them and to love them dispite their flawed reasoning. We all need relationships that aren't perfect, no one has perfect relationships with their family and just because a relationship requires a little more effort than normal doesn't mean it isn't worth that extra effort, does it?
• 

  JonnieMae

  Xena, You know that there are plenty of *active* witnesses on this site, don't you? Aren't you afraid that with having your picture on, some in your congregation might see your picture? I know I'd worry a little about that.
• 

  Xena

  No not really worried Jonnie, even if someone did see my pic and posts..they will still have to prove it was me...don't have my name or exact location..I have changed a lot in appearance since I left also...lol doubt ANYONE would connect the brunette submissive sister I was with the blonde on here showing her cleavage to the world

  But thank you for the warning! And for all the active JW spies lurking...this is for you enjoy living thru us
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  JonnieMae

  Xena, the ONLY reason they would be on this site is they don't HAVE a life.