What should I say to Mom to really help her?

by OnTheWayOut 25 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  OnTheWayOut

  How old is Mom, and how long has she been in?

  Mom is 65 years old. She was baptized in approximately 1970. In 1976 she was DF'ed and
  went back in 1979. Her DF was brought about mainly from the 1975 failure of the end.

  She dated "worldly" men and lived with the unbeliever that she married around 1978.

  (Slightly exaggerated, but-) Personally, I feel that my father always told her what to think until
  she didn't like that anymore, started studying with a lady close to the family and let the JW's
  take over thinking for her. She divorced after 1975. He was unfaithful and says the WTS took her
  away from him- I believe that's true. (I don't pass judgment on the excuse for unfaithfulness, they
  were having many problems and the JW's was a big part of it.) When the end didn't come, she
  tried thinking for herself. She allowed her next husband to tell her what to think again. When she
  didn't like the direction that was going, she went back to the JW's so they could tell her what to
  think. The husband tried to study, but didn't buy the control WTS put upon him and now
  occasionally goes to the hall. He doesn't like how the meetings try to control her time, but he
  tolerates it.

  Folks, I have much time and really appreciate all input. I understand that, ultimately I decide
  what to do, but your thoughts are immeasurably helpful.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  You're in an unenviable situation, OTWO, but it seems your mother may be capable of accepting your position.

  In some ways she already has.

  In my opinion, protracted debates about doctrine and failed prophecy would be pointless.

  Thanks, Nvr.

  Yes, I don't see a point in a debate. Just want her to know that I am able to
  think for myself, examine things for myself, look at outside sources.
  She can imply that this means she should do so, also. But that's up to her.
  I have no intention of going so far as to say, "They are wrong. See why?"
  I do want to imply that I have a feeling they are wrong.

  BTTT for more input.
• 

  oompa

  OTWO I do not have a good feeling about this, and feel you need to put this matter in the old Gore "lock Box." After your extra info about your moms history I see she probably:

  1. possibly used to think for herself

  2. got a husband and borg to think for her and stopped thinking

  3. started thinking and got out of borg/husband

  4. got another husband to think for her

  5. not enough direction, so back to borg to think for her again

  She may not want or be able to have her own mind. If her current husband was perhaps more assertive, she would not be back in borg or would leave. He may be your only hope. Would he control her thinking better than borg? Let's face it there a lot of nice people in borg, and we may have to accept them for what they are. You might have some chance on reconnecting to something big like the 1975 disapointment, but that should have already happened with the GENERATION of 1914 going out the window, unless she missed it.

  good luck......oompa....you will need it
• 

  emy the infidel

  Otwo-- provide her with reassurance, plain and simple.

  Nothing you could say will have more impact than reassuring her that your love and concern for her will never change. Having legitmate reasons for fading away from the organization do not, and should have nothing to do with that, and I am sure from all you've said they do not. Anything that could interfere with that relationship, we know, is destructive. But it will take time for her to get to that realization.

  Say little unless she asks, and recognize the denial "he's still a good witness" is a defense mechanism. That's why the reassurance is so important. AND let her talk and really listen to what she says and process it. There is no more effective way to help anyone than to make them feel heard. Use the phrase, "what I hear you saying is...." and then reflect her thoughts back being careful not to add anything, then just continue listening b/c she will likely keep expanding on it. If not, just sit and reflect on that thought and give her the space to do the same. Hope that helps you. Be patient, it may take a while.
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  She may not want or be able to have her own mind.

  You might have some chance on reconnecting to something big like the 1975 disapointment, but that should have already happened with the GENERATION of 1914 going out the window, unless she missed it.

  I fear that you are correct, Oompa.

  Her parents were very loving, but controlling also. She always had someone else to tell her what to do,
  except for the brief years outside of a relationship and outside of the WTS. When she broke away from
  her parents, she got pregnant at a young age. When she got DF'ed after being divorced, I remember her
  leading a pretty "loose" life. She may feel that her own decisions are bad.

  She is a thorough student of WT literature. She did not "entirely" miss the GENERATION change. But
  she fit it into her indoctrination programming. She was sure that 1975 was important, that the end should
  come according to Freddy Franz's explanations, that she determined that the end was delaying for the
  reasons given back then- adding years oast Adam's creation for the completion of Eve's creation, then
  adding some more possible time before Eve's sin).

  I empathize with her, because I tried to fit the GENERATION change into my indoctrination training that
  the generation of 1914 would see the end. It didn't work for me, so I started questioning things.

  I still need to remind Mom that I don't go to the meetings at all. She is under the impression that I miss
  meetings, but not that I am totally inactive. While many of you say that it may be best to "leave it alone"
  I must still say something. Should I simply wait until questioned?
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  I am waiting and trying to plan my next action. Nobody???