Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant?

Open mind

For those who spent many years in the JW religion, what effect did the knowledge that your friends or family could instantly be "poofed" out of existence by a Judicial Committee have on you? Did it cause you to withdraw emotionally?

Looking back over the decades, ( I'm a 3rd gen JW in my forties, mentally out but physically in ) I can remember consciously thinking about whether a new friend was going to be around "for the long haul". I hated that! If they weren't "spiritually strong" it seemed like there was even a better chance that they would be gone someday. (I think this is one thing that contributes to an elitist, clique-ish attitude among many JWs.) As decades passed I came to realize that there is NO ONE who I can really count on in this organization. Not even COs, DOs, or GB Members fer Chrissakes!

JW Spin: That's right. Jehovah is your best friend. Everyone else, well, you hope they do what's right, but if they don't, well that's their decision.

After my fairly recent 100% mental awakening, I can look at this a bit more objectively. (Although I realize it's still ME I'm talking about.) Have I become emotionally distant in general? Without being really aware of it? I know there's the possibility that I'll lose my wife and children to this religion. Is that knowledge keeping me from getting as close as I'd like to?

I think it is a little. But I'm fighting it. I'm trying to stay as emotionally close as possible even though I know it will make it that much harder if my family is ripped away.

How about you? What has been your experience?

Open Mind

Gopher

You're right, no friendship seemed to be completely safe. Although if someone was in the organization longer, it seemed like they'd be more likely to stick around and you had less to worry about.

I kept hearing that about 1 % of the JW's were DF'd each year, although they'd always add that there are more who were publicly or privately reproved and could have been DF'd. So there's always that fear factor - the organization was trying to subtly sow seeds of distrust. (Only THEY could be trusted to always be there for you. )

I think true friendships could be made inside the JW organization, but they had to be based on non-JW common interests.

AK - Jeff

My life was ripped from me when I figured it out. It was not a matter of wishing that - but my conscience would not let it be otherwise.

One of my absolute best friends in the world, was a sister whom I cared for deeply over 35 years. I still do. I have on occasion dropped her a little email to try and get her thinking a little. I have not overdone it - just maybe 3 or 4 times in the past year. Though she never replied - she must have thought she had. I did that this week and here is the reply;

I have kindly asked you several times to delete me from your contact list. Please do it. I have no grudge against you at all. I simply have some overwhelming problems of my own and do not want to hear about or discuss any religion.
Thank you Jeff,
Denise

Not long ago she would have shared with me her 'overwhelming problems' and thanked me for being a friend who would listen. Now - due to the evil sin of discovery I have been asked to 'delete me from your contact list' - as if she barely ever knew me.

Like a good swift kick in the nuts it is!

Jeff

Open mind

Gopher:

I think true friendships could be made inside the JW organization, but they had to be based on non-JW common interests.

Yes & No. This was the pain I learned in my earlier decades of life. I built what I thought were authentic friendships based on "non-JW common interests". The friendships were genuine and real and wonderful. They felt "right". And then they were gone. The power of the collective was stronger than the power of any individual friendship. I realize I was a participating cog in this evil machine. Still sucks though.

AK-Jeff:

Oooooffff. Sounds like yours was sudden and extremely painful. I think mine has been excruciatingly slow and life-sucking. (With a few "nut kicks" along the way.)

Soooo.....

Who wants to become a JW? Lurkers? Interested ones? Forget about those pesky human friends! We've got a Spirit in the Sky who'll make you forget all about them.

Open Mind

Gopher

Yeah OM, I get what you're saying. I was talking about "while inside" the organization, true friendships could be made. I know they disappear into thin air once the JW part kicks back in.

Emphasis on the word "COULD" -- such real friendships COULD be made, depending on the humanity of the other individual.

Narkissos

It's a bit complex.

When I realised I would eventually be df'd (and shunned, of course), a few months before that eventually happened, the anticipated pain was (almost) unbearable. I had many friends, and I realised how much I loved them.

In the remaining months I probably invested more in JW relationships than ever before, although otherwise; what you know you are about to lose you treasure even more, and at the same time each interview is fraught with a secret farewell. That was pretty intense.

Otoh I sometimes had a curious feeling when meeting old friends: as if they were speaking to someone else who was not there any longer; I had changed and they couldn't know. That made me very uneasy, and I must have sounded "strange" to them too. Often, though, it wouldn't last and we could, somehow, "catch up" for a moment.

When the actual shunning experiences came, no matter how much I had expected them, they were shattering. Especially from people who did talk to me for a while after I was df'd but then, under the organisation's pressure, stopped later.

I wouldn't say this experience made me "emotionally distant" but it certainly changed my attitude to relationships in time. It's definitely more "here and now" than "long-term". That's not what people usually expect from "friendship," but it has a value of its own I think.

greendawn

I never used to think of this and I think most JWs do not because of the mentality that whatever the org does is for the good of the individual JWs. In addition hardly anyone was DFed in that congo when I was there and it seemed like a remote possibility.

Georgiegirl

(ventures out of lurkdom)

I think DFing and the blood policy taught me that love and relationships are totally conditional upon compliance. I remember talking to the guy I'm seeing about the blood issue and him saying - "I would do WHATEVER it takes to save your life. There's not even a question." I was actually speechless. It was the first time in my entire life that anyone had felt that way about me - that my life was actually worth something more than a potential sacrifice. It was a stunning moment.

emy the infidel

Did it cause you to withdraw emotionally?

"I can remember consciously thinking about whether a new friend was going to be around "for the long haul". I hated that! " I wasn't raised as a witness, thank you for posting this. At the end of CoC Ray Franz touches on this p oignantly, I had long suspected it, but until your post have not heard it so clearly defined.

"If they weren't "spiritually strong" it seemed like there was even a better chance that they would be gone someday. (I think this is one thing that contributes to an elitist, clique-ish attitude among many JWs.) " The witness friends that I had were distant and guarded, I was a teenager and all the other teens witnesses wanted me as a friend, maybe they knew I wasn't totally controlled and could be a genuine person. I have long put into perspective that they did not appear capable of forming healthy long-term relationships. (yeah duh!)

"Have I become emotionally distant in general?" Survival mode may be it?

"I'm trying to stay as emotionally close as possible even though I know it will make it that much harder if my family is ripped away." You stay as close as you can, geeze.

Thanks for your post Open Mind. Try not to worry about things you have no control over and never ever give up. Let your family know how you feel about them every day. I sure hope they will eventually get out.

Hang tough.

Open mind

Hey, There, GeorgieGirl!

(Couldn't resist.)

Glad to see you peek out of the depths of "Lurkdom".

my life was actually worth something more than a potential sacrifice.

Thanks for sharing that moment of clarity.

Reality is great isn't it?

Open Mind

Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant?

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