Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant? (page 2)

mentalclearness

"and at the same time each interview is fraught with a secret farewell. That was pretty intense.

Otoh I sometimes had a curious feeling when meeting old friends: as if they were speaking to someone else who was not there any longer; I had changed and they couldn't know. That made me very uneasy, and I must have sounded "strange" to them too. Often, though, it wouldn't last and we could, somehow, "catch up" for a moment."

That is exactly where I am at now. I'm always thinking will this be the last time I get to talk to these people??? And meeting with friends who do not know that I have been inactive for months is VERY strange to say the least. As far as being distant in relationships I think as a person having grown up in the organization and taught to just keep superficial relationships with non-jw's and not get too attached has been detrimental.

Open mind

Gopher:

Sorry if I sounded like I was picking apart what you said. I "step in it" frequently around here. Got yer meaning now.

Narkissos:

Thank you for sharing your experience in such detail. It kind of sounded like someone who's been told they have a terminal illness, but they're keeping it to themselves. Very surreal.

It's definitely more "here and now" than "long-term". That's not what people usually expect from "friendship," but it has a value of its own I think.

All friendships are volatile. A speeding bus could end any of them today. And people change and grow apart. But at least that's organic and not cult-imposed.

Thanks again for your thoughts.

greendawn:

Yep. If you didn't have the experience of lots of DFings and people leaving it's not apparent. It took many years of seeing people come and go for this to really gel for me mentally.

emy the infidel:

The witness friends that I had were distant and guarded, I was a teenager and all the other teens witnesses wanted me as a friend, maybe they knew I wasn't totally controlled and could be a genuine person.

Sounds like you weren't viewed as a likely candidate to be a "long-haul JW". Good for you! And thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

Open Mind

Nowman

I knew all my friends and mom and dad would shun me. I was actually a regular pioneer when I left, I went out in service all day, the day I left. I told no one about my plans that were JWs. All my friends were pioneers, when I tried to feel them out about what they may have stuggled with, regarding the org, their reaction made me stop talking to them about it.

The whole JW thing effected me alot during my 20s. I was raised a witness until I was 18. The day I went out into the real world, I was excited and scared. I never had a problem making new friends, but I did have some inner issues within myself that stem from what happened at my house in the org. I think my tendancy was more self destructive, which I did to get back at my parents for a long time. For the longest time, I questioned myself out of guilt, so many thoughts and all because of that stupid cult!

Nikki

AWAKE&WATCHING

Emotionally distant on so many levels.

You distance yourself emotionally:

When y ou first get sucked into the cult - from your "worldly" friends and family.

From your unbelieving mate because they are going to die.

When someone you care about now has to be shunned because of DF or DA.

When you are DF'd so that you can survive the pain of being shunned by friends and family.

From your believing mate because you can never again be honest about your views and feelings.

They suck you dry of emotion, they want robots not humans.

Open mind

mentalclearness:

I'm always thinking will this be the last time I get to talk to these people???

I feel that way sometimes when I'm talking to someone from out of the area and I know it may be a couple years before I see them again. In a couple years, if things go perfectly, we won't be dubs anymore.

Nowman:

I told no one about my plans that were JWs.

Makes perfect sense due to the zero-tolerance policy JWs have for open discussion and questioning.

AWAKE&WATCHING:

Wow!

You nailed it.

And very concisely too.

Open Mind

Narkissos

They suck you dry of emotion, they want robots not humans.

And yet, were it not for the human warmth captured into the system, and the social network of friendships and relationships which builds spontaneously within and around, the machine would not work either.

Every human construction -- whether physical or ideal -- is made with blood and sensitive flesh.

AK - Jeff

Had a new one just this afternoon to show how they are intentionally shallow and distant to those who leave. Interestingly enough - I don't recall ever shunning someone in public who had left. Just couldn't do it. I think had my best friend left instead of me - I would still be best friends. I just never 'got' it I guess. I loved the people I loved. I could not turn it conditional like they have against me.

I went into a grocery where an elder routinely shunned me until I made a scene with his employer over it. This guy was very close to me. We spent lots of time together in both theocratic activities and just social ones. Anyway - he does his usual thing and tries to pretend I am not there as he loads the meatcase. I kept inching up and finally when about three feet away said loudly so there was no doubt he had to know I was there, "Hello Kevin - How are you?"

Now typically he has [since I turned him into his employer for being an ass] greeted me with a big wave of the arm from across the room - very visual so that if cameras in the store catch it he won't loose his job perhaps. This time I am too close for that. So he answers me;

"Hello Sir".......Hello Sir? I have known the guy like a brother for 20 years....Hello Sir?

I walked 20 feet down the case muttering under my breath how idiotic they were. Then I found some meat that was not marked and I asked for a price. His answer was incomplete and so I asked him again. This time he walked over found the price and told me what it was. I just smiled and walked away.

These guys really are assholes.

Jeff

golf2

I have said it time again that the JW's are EMOTIONAL MISFITS They have deprived peoples individuality.

B_Deserter

I got pretty jaded and learned to predict a future DFing fairly accurately. If a person didn't show any of the "telltale" signs like withdrawing from Witness activities, not taking something seriously, or just didn't seem very concerned about the "end" coming, I'd allow myself to get close. But if I sensed anyone was going to get dfed, then I'd cut ties emotionally. It was pretty amazing to think that I could at the flip of a switch despise someone with whom I've been friends for years. There was one exception. I never was mad at him, just disappointed. We would have been friends even if we weren't witnesses.

I just wish I could work up the nerve to call him up one of these days. He lives in my area. But, he was DFed for sleeping with a girl he met online (who is now his wife of several years), and from what I hear from his mom he's "trying to come back." I'm afraid if I call him up he'll tell his mom who will in turn spill the beans to my mom and "out" me before I'm ready.

Open mind

Narkissos:

Every human construction -- whether physical or ideal -- is made with blood and sensitive flesh.

Well said (as usual). I guess that's why it hurts.

AK-Jeff:

"Hello Sir".......Hello Sir? I have known the guy like a brother for 20 years....Hello Sir?

This guy gets the shunning "Badge of Honor". He looks the "Apostate Demon" ( AK-Jeff ) in the eye, does what is required of him, but doesn't compromise. Surely Jehovah will remember and reward his faithful act of loyalty.

golf2:

They have deprived peoples individuality.

There's a reason they call it the "Borg".

B_Deserter:

But if I sensed anyone was going to get dfed, then I'd cut ties emotionally. It was pretty amazing to think that I could at the flip of a switch despise someone with whom I've been friends for years.

I think this is a pretty good description of what contributed to me becoming somewhat withdrawn emotionally in general over the years. It's almost like we're CIA Agents or something. Anyone can become "dirty". Watch your back. Truly trust no one. Keep "friendships" at a superficial level and you won't get hurt so much when they go away.

And here's what makes it all OK. "This isn't the REAL LIFE. Just hold on until the New System and then we'll get to enjoy genuine friends for eternity."

Open Mind

Did the DFing policy make you emotionally distant?

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