Wanting to just FREAKIN run away....I think I know why now...

by oompa 29 Replies latest jw friends

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  oompa

  The past year or so was year was really, really bad as I came to realize the waking up experience. Once I knew for sure WT was a sham, (although maybe sincere), I had this immediate feeling I would have to leave.....everything. Of course my wife was already going nuts from all my study, questions, doubts, letters to Society, meetings with Elders....but once I really knew and felt I would have to leave.... I did leave several times. I just had to get away, and would disappear for a few days to a week or so. Only recently did my strong wife let me know how distraught she was that I may not come back or kill myself, which of course would keep me away a bit. I felt really bad about that...so concerned with my own sanity/insanity that I really never thought about how bad it was for her. I mean I would even leave my cell at home so no one could find me or contact me.

  I did have a death wish. One trip to the beach on my motorcycle I ran 3 hours at 90mph weaving in and out of cars, sometimes cutting between two on the center line....never even saw a cop the whole way. No luck.....I'm still here.

  Anyway, immediately I must have known deep inside, that my life would never be the same and the reason I wanted/want to leave is to ELLIMINATE THE FREAK ASPECT. I sure as hell don't like feeling like a FREAK around my wife, son, mom, dad, dozen surrounding halls, lifelong friends, and dub workmates....it sucks. And I also don't like making everyone around me feel uncomfortable, since they have to look at the FREAK, try to figure out what to say to the FREAK, and of course talk about the FREAK with one another every chance they get behind the FREAKS back. I liked being the life of the party, but never wanted FREAKISH notoriety. So since I will no longer fit in with basically anyone I know.....I just wanted/want to get the FREAK the hell out of Dodge (or canada).................oompa........but I will wait awhile and see what happens
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  Junction-Guy

  You aren't the freak, they are!!!
  
  That is why I wanted to leave the JW's, because I always felt like a freak when compared to the rest of the "worldly" people.
  
  Dont allow this lying cult to ever push you towards suicide, Dont ever allow it to run you off from your home or anything else. Stand your ground, hold your head up, and tell the cult to go flip sand.
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  oompa

  JunctionGuy that really put a smile on my face! I was thinking man does he sound like a Cowboy or what? Then I remembered you are wearing their hat on JWD when you post!.......thanks...oompa
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  Junction-Guy

  Hell yeah,. There is nothing normal at all about the JW culture. To be a true JW is to distance yourself from almost every aspect of normal life Welcome to the real world now.
  
  
  
  
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  marmot

  Definitely wait a while man, I know my experience can't amount to a hill of beans compared to yours (after all you've got a wife and kid, a motorcycle and, well, a life - whereas I'm a 25-year-old virgin living alone in a basement apartment with no remaining friends within 2000 kilometers except for my dog) but it's been getting easier.
  
  I told my mom that I'm out of the Watchtower and she took it hard at first but now she's back to normal with me. My Dad is sort of "don't ask don't tell" but he treats me as well as he ever did. I even told my one remaining friend who now lives in Sweden and he said that he's fine with whatever I choose in life, that he would never shun me.
  
  I think if you just stay yourself and ease into the new non-witness you around your family that it won't be so hard or so painful as you imagine it to be. You've got a family that loves you, and I'm sure they'll still love you no matter what you choose. Your wife is right about one thing, though, you've got to be around for them, too.
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  cognizant dissident

  Hey Oompa. I know exactly what you are experiencing. Had the exact same feelings, complete with crazy speeding and desire to run away, disappear and leave no forwarding address. Trouble is, we are grown-ups now and have responsibilities and are a little too old to be running away from home. We have kids and family to think about. They will learn from our actions how to cope with stress and very difficult situations.

  Trust me, it gets better. Counseling helps. I learned how to "stay". When the entire world seems crazy but they are insisting that you are the crazy one, you can just stand still, breathe deeply, and stay with yourself, with the inner, untouchable core that just "knows" what is truly real and what is not. Also, it helps a lot to talk to some different people. By different, I mean non-JW.

  To help with the "freaking out", try to stay in the present moment as much as possible. Do not allow your thoughts to wander to the future and to catastrophize imaginary scenarios. Yes they are imaginary. You do not know what the future will bring. It just may surprise you. In the present moment, when we deal only with what is happening right now, it is all manageable.

  Cog

  ps: I'm going to recommend a great book to you to help you learn how to do this. It's called "Wherever you go, there you are" by Jon Kabat-Zinn. (Another reason why running away doesn't help!)
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  MsMcDucket

  Hey! Go get freaky! Be the "Freak of the Weak". Actually, the songs says "Freak of The Week"! Ahah! Societies norms squash your uniqueness, especially the Watchtower Societies norms!

  Here comes a song! Break Out http://youtube.com/watch?v=yXL9AkXzlt8
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  flipper

  Oompa- You know me, we have e-mailed or pmed each other. I really enjoy your sincere , good hearted posts on this board. You are not a freak, you have a lot to offer us by your experience. You have helped me personally with good advice that I have put to use. So please know we care deeply for you , and are here for you friend. Feel free to call or pm anytime, please do
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  KW13

  If your one of us, then were all freaks Oompa. Seriously, you've nothing to worry about - your a bright, intelligent and caring person who thinks before speaking. I respect you as we all do here. Regards, KW.
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  restrangled

  oompa....hang in there....there will come a point in time when you get the perspective needed to see what all this hoopla surrounding Jehovah's Witnesses actually is....complete and totally unneccessary drama.

  Who else on earth can take an innocent conversation about boysenberries and somehow tie that into the end of the world. In 30 years, I believe I once witnessed my JW MIL go for 43 whole minutes without mentioning JW's, the end of the world, false religion, Babylon the Great....and that was only because she was preoccupied with decorating her house to make it a "showy display" for the weekly book study.

  Instead of settling in Brooklyn, the WTS should have settled on Broadway. The extent that they go to try and convince the world that they aren't what they so clearly are.....is straight out of a broadway show....ala The Producers.

  R's Hubby