I may lose my wife because of Disfellowshipping

by freedomfighter 37 Replies latest jw experiences

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  freedomfighter

  Have only been out of the organisation for 2 months and the wounds still run deep. Particularly hard is the fact that my wife and 8 Yr old son are now divided in our beliefs. We cannot go out as a family with our old friends like we use to. My wife says this is because of what i have done. I keep thinking "A house divided cannot stand". Should i go back so i can keep my family together?

  I don't believe it is "The Truth" anymore but cannot tell my wife what i have learned, as i will be labeled an "Apostate". Which would mean for me - losing my Wife, my boy - my house( We chipped in with the inlaws to buy our home - they are JW's)

  Basically, i would end up with nothing.

  I was thinking about getting re-instated and then fading away. At least then we can be some kind of a family again. However i feel this to be Hypocritical since i do not believe anymore. Any thoughts would be appreciated!

  Sincerely FF
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  purplesofa

  I still think like a JW and just assume you were DF for adultry.

  I really don't know what to say, not knowing if your DF had in any way been offensive personally to your wife.

  purps
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  changeling

  Yeah, I'm jaded like purps. Not trying to be nosey. And please forgive me if you were DF'd for something other than immorality.

  You need to analize why you want to stay in the marrige. Do you want to stay because you love and are commited to your wife? If so, do what you must to establish trust with her.

  Check out OTWO's posts of how he lovingly deals with his JW wife. PM him, he'd be glad to help.

  changeling
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  onacruse

  I won't even pretend to be able to answer to your specific situation, as every such case is relatively unique. However, I will offer my own experiences in this regard, and you can take them for what they are worth:

  My first marriage (9 years): I was df'd for apostasy, and within the year she developed a relationship with another JW (an elder), and shortly after I was reinstated it became apparent that there was an adulterous situation. She went with him.

  My second marriage (17 years): I was again df'd for apostasy, and within two years she told me to leave, on threat of having the police evict me (on the advice of certain elders).

  As painfully chagrining as it is, I would have to say that if you are df'd, your wife will leave you, and your children will avoid you (I haven't talked to mine for 5 years, even though I've tried to contact them).

  I wish you the best, in a bad situation.

  Craig
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  nomoreguilt

  Smoking is not grounds for divorce. From your previous post that seems to be why you were df'd. For the depression, see a doctor. There are alot of anti-depressants you can take that aren't addictive nor mind altering. Hey, they kicked you out, you seemed to them to be rpentant and they did it anyways. Since you are df'd, you no longer answer to them. They made the choice, make them be accountable. Now is a great time to excercise your free mind and learn what they are REALLY about. Oh, and you do have license to do what ever YOUR conciense allows you.
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  freedomfighter

  No not Adultery. For Smoking 6 cigarettes a day.( Not around my wife either - because she hates it)

  Last week i had no cigs and was going well at quitting.Then one remark from her "If you could do it now, why couldn't u give up when the elders told you to?"

  So that night- i thought F#$% it and bought a pack. So back to square one. Will not smoke around her or my son though.

  FF
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  sweetstuff

  You are in a tough position to say the least. On one hand you face losing out materially, on the other hand, you face mentally torturing yourself with what you know to be a lie. Tough call, but in my opinion, I would rather be poor and free than well off and in prison. But that's me, you have to do what's right for you. If you love your wife and want to maintain the marriage, I would suggest you try to do it without comprimising your free will. You have not been unfaithful, she has no grounds to leave you on, really. According to dubland I mean. As long as you try to deal with her lovingly, I don't see why you should be forced to go back to meetings to retain her love. But, at the end of the day, only you know what is the best decision for yourself.
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  TheListener

  I'm really sorry to hear about your situation.

  Perhaps explaining to your wife that you're the same man she has always loved will somehow help her to understand.

  If I were you, though, I would read Steve Hassan's books. He can help you learn how to deal effectively with the cult personality.

  Good luck
• 

  Gringa

  Oh my GOD!!!! Talk about destroying families - over cigarettes!

  This forum and the stories on it break my heart everyday....

  Freedom, I am not sure if anyone can tell you what to do - hopefully some can tell you what they did. I have never been faced with a spouse in the borg, but I can tell you that my dad was DF for smoking, My mom turned him in, although he never smoked around us. I was about 12 or 13 years old.

  It never got any better. He did get reinstated but the trust between them was lost forever. the guilt she laid on him was sickening. He finally left us (5 kids) and never came back. I don't blame him. I hope your wife is a better person than my mom was/is.

  If you love her - do what you must but don't stay because of a fricking house. Lots of us walked away with nothing. NOTHING, no family, no friends, no home. But, somehow we survived and getting out was the best thing we ever did. You can rebuild. And your son will come around. She can't stop you from seeing him.
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  purplesofa

  Lots of us walked away with nothing. NOTHING, no family, no friends, no home. But, somehow we survived and getting out was the best thing we ever did. You can rebuild. And your son will come around. She can't stop you from seeing him.

  Have faith

  purps