I may lose my wife because of Disfellowshipping

by freedomfighter 37 Replies latest jw experiences

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  horrible life

  In most US laws, if you are given a gift, and are married, it belongs to husband and wife. If you split, you have to split the gift. So, the house would be appraised, and any equity would be split equally. If one wants to stay in the house, they would pay the one who leaves.

  So don't be so quick to decide you have nothing. Also, does your son Love being a JW? At age 8, I would have jumped ship in a heartbeat!!! I hated going to meetings.

  I have a friend that got divorced, remained ok with her former spouse, for the sake of the child. She moved to a near by town, and bought a house. It was better for the ex-husband, because that was where his work was. They finally decided for financial, and for the sake of the child, for him to just rent a room from her, and logistically it was better for both of them. They have done this for 10 years.
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  momzcrazy

  My hubby and I stayed together even tho' he was reproved for smoking. He never went back to the borg, that was 8 yrs ago. Then he went on the road driving buses for singers, and everyone knows what that would be like. We never really discussed him coming back. He said recently he didn't want to influence me either way. But we did focus on our family. We took trips and had fun when he was in town. I'm not saying it was easy, there were close calls. But our bond has been stronger than a religion.

  You could honestly tell her that you understand what this is costing her, she is no longer part of a couple and it will be limited as to what she does as far as activities. But make it up to her and your son(?). Help her get to the meetings, make breakfast on Sunday and clean up while she's gone. Plan activities you as a family and couple can do. Never let her feel doubt as to your committment to her and your family. She will be snippy, I was. She's angry that you have caused such a huge change in your lives. I'm sure you can understand that. That just means she needs more love from you, she's covering pain and fear and anger.

  There is really no reason this should break you up. It will just take some understanding and patience.

  Good Luck.

  momz
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  jgnat

  Let's try a little imagination exercise together. Imagine yourself five years from now. Your son will be thirteen and inching up to your height. You will be a little thinner on top, with a few grey hairs. Your wife will also be doing her best to hold off the ravages of age.

  In the first example, imagine if you did all the elders and the wife asks you to do. What will she be like? What will you be like? Will your son respect you? My fear in this example is that your wife will firmly believe until the day she dies that she guilted you in to what she wanted you to do. She will continue to despise you and will continue to use guilt and manipulation to get you to toe the line.

  In the second example, imagine that you determined to base your marriage on love and respect. You worked darn hard to be the head of the household, taking the lead on all things loving and kind. In small and various ways, you tell your wife that you love her and you want to be with her forever. Flowers are good. Nights out at a restaurant are nice, too. Cigarettes continue, but they are kept at a discreet distance. If I were you as well, I'd firmly remind her that you are covenanted together in the eyes of Jehovah. Your relationship comes before ALL her friends. And she is to stop with the punishing and guilting talk.
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  jwfacts

  It is all very new for you still, so take your time making your choices. It is going to be very difficult having a JW wife when you know it is a scam, but as you have a child you may feel it best to try to keep the peace and keep the family together.

  Being reinstated will definitely make it easier for you to keep the semblance of a normal family. The WTS has manipulated you throughout your life, doing what is best for yourself and your family is far more important than worrying about being a hypocrite. However, you may now find that you can not bear to be at meetings as you become more aware of the mind control tactics and lies they use.

  It would be interesting to try to find out if there is any chance of your wife leaving by asking a few subtle questions regarding the strength of her faith. Many wives are die hard JWs, but sometimes when the husband leaves the wife soon follows.
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  Hiddenwindow

  That’s a hard one. I am living a similar dilemma, with the difference that I am still in and serving as an elder. My family is the only reason why I have not made a final decision yet. But, eventually I will have to do just that. I see it this way. If I continue to live a lie, would I be able to forgive myself for having wasted my entire life just to please others? If one of my children is hospitalized and needs a blood transfusion, will I let him die for a lie? Since at this point I do not believe there is going to be any other life after my death, can I really afford to keep torturing myself indefinitely and, therefore, spoil the only life I am going to ever have? My decision is to fade first, but I know I will not get away with it, and the elders will hunt me, especially taking into consideration that my wife and all her family are radical supporters of the WT. I will eventually have to disassociate my self. But, you know your own situation better than anyone else. It is ultimately your decision.
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  wanderlustguy

  I dunno what to say except that if you guys really love each other, then you will be able to talk about it. If she won't even try to listen, then she doesn't love you.

  I don't know and am not asking how long you guys knew each other before you were married, but sometimes once people leave the org, they realize that not only were they not being themselves, but neither were thier spouses. The marriage is founded by fake people, and the real versions of yourselves would NEVER marry each other.

  It's a tough thing, I have a lot of friends who have gone through it and/or are continuing to do so.

  Good luck to you, whatever happens, just know that you can be ok and you can show your child a different path.

  WLG
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  Vernon Williams

  No thoughts, just best wishes.

  Take care,

  V
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  Mary

  Why do I feel like I'm getting deja vu here?

  Freedomfighter, your story sounds remarkably like Gumby's (another poster on here). He was disfellowshipped several years ago for smoking and during that time, he found out that this religion was not "the Truth" after all and became, (from the Witnesses' point of view), an 'apostate'. Although his wife did not leave him, he certainly was treated 'differently' by his family until last year when he finally succumbed to the pressure, and he faked a reinstatement so he could have regular contact with them.

  Unfortunately, this religion strongly encourages family members to put the religion before their mate, which I think is absolutely sick. I guess my view is: If you family can shun you so easily, then they don't deserve you. I know this is all quite new to you and is probably very scary, but many people on this board have gone through what you're going through and can offer you some good advice. I especially like jgnat's and wanderlust's comments on the subject.

  I was thinking about getting re-instated and then fading away. At least then we can be some kind of a family again. However i feel this to be Hypocritical since i do not believe anymore.

  And quite often, it doesn't work out that way. If you get reinstated, then try to fade, the guilt trips start up again. Bascially, they're holding themselves as emotional hostages with a clear message: If you want the priviledge of associating with us, you better toe the line.
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  garybuss

  I'm a firm believer that all marriage problems are marriage problems. Working on religion is just another way to not work on the family problem. There is no real religion problem.
  
  Anything that tries to divide a family is never a part of the family solution, it's part of the family problem. Having a relationship with a person or a group outside the marriage is called an extramarital relationship. Those don't strengthen or support the family, they weaken and divide.
  
  So if my wife were having an extramarital relationship with a person instead of with a book printing corporation, would I support her in continuing the affair? Or would I take some pragmatic steps to achieve a satisfactory resolution?
  
  Think of what's sustainable and then take rational steps to establish and sustain that.
  
  
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  Quandry

  You could honestly tell her that you understand what this is costing her, she is no longer part of a couple and it will be limited as to what she does as far as activities. But make it up to her and your son(?). Help her get to the meetings, make breakfast on Sunday and clean up while she's gone. Plan activities you as a family and couple can do. Never let her feel doubt as to your committment to her and your family. She will be snippy, I was. She's angry that you have caused such a huge change in your lives. I'm sure you can understand that. That just means she needs more love from you, she's covering pain and fear and anger.

  Good advice. Now I'll add mine. Smoking is bad, bad bad for you. I watched my dad die gasping for breath and now my mom is on oxygen and has panic attacks trying to get her breath. This even though she was not a "heavy" smoker. THIS is the part that is definetely not worth it.....

  About your wife. Only you can decide if you can stomach the Borg for family. Some have done this, and patiently worked to free the family. Let no one put you down if this is your decision. I can tell you that family is precious, and living alone and getting old will not make you happy. I would fight to keep mine. Wouldn't you fight if someone tried to break into your house and harm them? Don't let the Borg tear yours apart.