Fear of conflict, confrontation, disagreement- A leftover from our JW past?

by nvrgnbk 24 Replies latest jw friends

• 

  nvrgnbk

  There's alot being said on here now about the need for everyone to get along.

  I used to think that was a goal worth striving for.

  But is it realistic?

  Is it even desirable?

  I still find myself telling people what they want to hear, on here and in my personal life, in business too.

  It's a bad habit.

  It generally produces nothing positive in the long run.

  But we all want to please others.

  That comes from being JW's, but it's by no means unique to our our JW past.

  Another thing, definitely JW-related, is that we were taught that unity should be preserved at all costs.

  Comments are even made on here that our "community" is "falling apart".

  All we share in common is that we were or are JW's (with a few exceptions).

  And our reasons for no longer being associated are many and varied.

  Some left on their own.

  Some "drifted away".

  Some were kicked out.

  Some studied but dodged the bullet and were never baptized.

  Some are now atheists.

  Some are now "spirit-filled" Christians.

  Some don't care about religion or politics.

  Some care alot.

  To expect unity and "we all love each other" from such a diverse group can only lead to disappointment, IMO.

  I want to thank hillary-step, and few others, for pointing something like this out to me a long time ago.

  Many of us have made good friendships here, but it's fair to say that we're not all going to be friends.
• 

  BrentR

  I visit several craft related forums and moderate one of them. I do not see even a fraction of the fighting and conflict that I see here. Mostly because it is not allowed and also we see ourselves as a united group with common interest. When bickering and arguing are allowed it will eventually kill the forum, I have seen it several times.

  I avoid those threads not because of a JW past, I just don't have time to waste on reading let alone commenting on them. When you avoid those threads it makes JWD a much smaller community thus easier to read the meaniful important threads.
• 

  minimus

  My comments about love in my thread is because I think sometimes persons suggest they love everybody when in FACT, they KNOW nobody!

  The fact is if you wanna get along with people, as a rule, hang around with those that have the same wants, desires and expectations. Otherwise you'll always be going after one another.

  on a DB, I cannot expect everyone to like, love, hate or care about you. Sure, you can make SOME friends but you can't have the total freedom to say your mind to certain ones here without recognizing that you might be censured, confronted, disagreed with and possibly punished. So goes it.

  Regarding believing it's because we were JWs in the past, that's open for debate. Most JWs don't ever care about pleasing others. Not in my experience, anyway. People are peole. Some are touchy. Some are angry. Some are mentally ill. Some are liars. Some are pretty decent nice folks.
• 

  Gopher

  NVR,

  I have a different take on this. I hope you don't mind the conflict/disagreement.

  I found that a significant fraction of JW's loved to be confrontational, to take advantage of the "meeker" ones among them. They knew they could bully their way through situations around other JW's. It was a minority, but it was present in every congregation I attended.

  Most of us haven't radically changed our temperaments since leaving JW's, although maybe some who left the JW's when younger did a wider range of experimentation then an old fogey like me who left them behind when I was 39/40.

  So some here are going to be confrontational, and other's won't. I think this is a good forum to learn to sharpen your conversation and debating ability, and that takes butting up against people with different views. Sometimes that can be frustrating, but when two people of opposite views decide to try to get together (in PM's or on a thread) to hash things out and discuss things without being rude or disagreeable, both people can gain a great deal. I have gained from PM's and personal interaction with those whose political and/or religious views are quite different than mine.

  I think it's MORE important to be able to speak your mind in real life. I've been practicing that more lately, and find myself getting away from the mushy middle ground on things -- and becoming more assertively positive with people who I think are good, and more honest with people who need to hear criticism.
• 

  mouthy

  Most JWs don't ever care about pleasing others. Not in my experience, anyway. People are people.
  
  Oh how can you say that???? I was a JW for 25 years I met wonderful JWs .... Dont tarnish all with one brush. I object to you saying that. You have just posted about not loving those you dont see....I am so sorry you cant love them. But you evidently didnt love those YOU DID see. ( in your congregation) surely there must have been some.....Or were you so judgemental you didnt try to love???/
• 

  nvrgnbk

  I hope you don't mind the conflict/disagreement.
• 

  mouthy

  Same to you
• 

  nvrgnbk

  Same to you

  That was for Gopher.

  Those atheists can be so annoying!

  LOL!

  But you can have a "" too, if you like, mouthy.
• 

  Zico

  Disagreement is a wonderful thing! A thing of beauty! I love it. :)
  
  Confrontation can be very important, when used in the right situations.
  
  Conflict... I'm not so sure that's ever necessary.
  
  This was the first message board I ever used, since I decided to post on it as a doubting JW, and previously, I would have seen message boards as worldly association. So, in the early days, I used to get annoyed more often, which I think was my lack of experience, then, I started to visit a few other forums, and learned a lot more about the way message boards work. They're completely different social scenes to face-to-face ones, and should not be treated the same, people do act differently, and it's much harder to understand intent when you can't read tone or body language!
  
  Like the Jehovah's Witnesses say, we're all imperfect, and will make mistakes, especially in the way we treat people we hardly know! (And we do hardly know most people on here)
  
  It would be nice if everyone got along, but it isn't realistic, and if we expect it, we'll be disappointed. If you want everyone to get along, just be nice to everyone, and that doesn't have to mean, agreeing with everyone! :)
• 

  VoidEater

  The thing I had to relearn was to think and make decisions for myself. When everything you need to know and all your opinions come from the platform, it's easy to go with the flow and be "united". Indeed, expressing a differing opinion was quickly addressed with negative attention.

  Having been raised there, I can't say that the "people pleasing" part of me would be different had I not been there. I hope that some of that part of me is also from my human herding instinct, and not just trauma from my past. I see that my life today has times where I agree with others, times when I disagree; times when I voice the agreement or disagreement; and times when I choose to not voice my opinion. Since these are motivated from different apparent reasons, I don't think I'm running on automatic as I once did.

  But the "people pleasing" skill has certainly helped me work effectively in various settings.