why is it better to "fade"?

by ruined 24 Replies latest jw experiences

• 

  shopaholic

  Its not necessarily better to fade, it just depends on your situation. DA'd and DF'd are the same thing, except when you DA you send official notice that you are no longer a JW, when you are DF'd the org decides that you are no longer a JW due to some type of wrongdoing. You can consider a fade like slipping out the back door or quietly dropping off the radar but it basically means you are inactive in every since - no field service, no meetings, nothing. People usually fade because they have JW family and do not want to be shunned.

  Honestly, I have considered DA'ing myself and cutting all ties with the JWs but most of my immediately family are JWs. Also, I eventually realized that I shouldn't marry or date a DA'd or DF'd person because I would still end up being shunned...LOL...isn't life a real trip.
• 

  jayhawk1

  Fade? Why not just abruptly stop going? Why waste time with going every now and then if you know you are wasting your time?

  It is better to just quit than to fade, write a DA letter and if they want to DF, let them. I am not going to some pretend court and I am not wasting my time by either fading or writing a letter.
• 

  Hermano

  I was just thinking about this topic. Can you imagine the impact on the Org if all the faders sent in a DA letter? How many "so and so is no longer a Jehovah's Witness" announcements would be read? And how would so many official drop outs influence those who are still in who have serious doubts or who know it is not the truth but stay active for family's sake?
• 

  OnTheWayOut

  A fade is slowly (or not so slowly) disappearing from the JW activities. Some feel that they
  have to do this in order to maintain contact with family. There is no DA involved.

  You attend less and less meetings and field circus until you are either not going at all, or
  until your activity is low enough that you don't think you can go any lower without upsetting
  family. Some faders never entirely stop going. Many attend just the Memorial, or perhaps
  a bit more.

  I faded to 100 % inactivity with Zero meetings. I don't automatically recommend it because
  I have to maintain some secrecy about my beliefs now, I can't openly vote or celebrate
  holidays. I can't just openly meet with former JW's. I am getting closer and closer to doing
  whatever I want, but one day may have to face a JC because of that.

  For some faders, family shuns them anyway. For some DF'ed/DA'ed, family doesn't shun
  them anyway. Depends on you and your people what you should do.

  Some claim to fade to keep friends. I find that highly unlikely in most cases. Family might
  overlook inactivity, but JW's who are not family rarely do.
• 

  Pubsinger

  I didn't fade, we just quit like Jayhawk said. But we didn't DA or DF or anything.

  I think that that is the real reason why a fade can be better - WE remained in control.

  They controlled everything all the time we were there whether we realised it or not.

  But at the end WE were the one's in control.

  It is the ONE thing that really bugs them - us refusing to empower them or acknowledge their authority.
• 

  Maddie

  There are positives and negatives for fading and for DA'ing. If you fade you may still keep your family and friends in your life, but have to be careful what you say or do for fear of being outed by the borg. If you DA you have complete freedom to live your life and don't have to worry anymore, but you will be shunned by family and friends that are JW's. The WT has made sure that its members face very difficult and painful choices if they want to leave.

  Maddie
• 

  BluesBrother

  If you want no more hassle you can move house, move state, move to a new country - but make sure that your old congregation does not get your forwarding address - or you may get a visit.

  "You can get out any time you want but you can never ever leave" - The Eagles
• 

  blondie

  There is no best way to leave. It depends on your circumstances and personal goals for the future. Fading gives a person time to make arrangements: such as culling out jw customers from your business and adding in nonjws, finding a new social system among non-jws, disengage from any financial or business contacts with jws, decide what your real beliefs are by studying the history of the WTS, reading books written by ex-jws, etc. If your spouse does not share your feelings about the WTS, fading can give you time to sound out their true feelings, slowly share info about the WTS that might change their beliefs. When fading it is best not to say much to jws about your new found information. Remember disassociating yourself or being df'd means that your jw family and friends cannot have anything to do with you. It can get lonely if you have found a new social system and expensive if all your jw customers drop you.

  Fading doesn't have to be a long drawn out process. Just stop going to the meetings and turning in time over a few weeks or months. When people ask why, just say that it's personal and you don't want to discuss it. Avoid meetings or drop bys with the elders. Don't feel it is rude not to answer the door or not to let them in. Of course, a jw spouse may do so. Don't be afraid to pick up your car keys and leave then. Eventually, you may find that you no longer care about any contact with jws and may DA yourself. In this case fading has given you time to adjust.

  Blondie (successful fader, spouse faded too)
• 

  xjwms

  I started the Fade September 2001

  and never looked back.

  Took a-while to de-program, better now.

  .
• 

  WTWizard

  There is another advantage in fading, especially if you can go to two different congregations and leave them both hanging. They will bicker about whose turn it is to hound you, so there is a good chance that you will avoid the hounding altogether because they couldn't agree who was supposed to. Then they will also waste time trying to figure out which meeting you are going to. Or, putting in several field circus slips in at a time will probably make them waste time hunting for a slip (that isn't there) next month only to have it turn up a few months later.

  I am at that point where I just want to waste as much of their time and resources as possible. I have made it extremely difficult for them to reach. The phone rings and I see it on my Caller ID, I let the answering machine get it and then refuse to call back. If the door bell goes off, I check, and if I see two witlesses, I sneak back in (lit wreath and all). They leave notes, they end up in the shredder. They waste the postage on a "care package", I shred it. About all they can do is waste the gas and time on a kangaroo court judicial committee and disfellowship me behind my back.

  But then, they would be totally cutting off all hopes of getting me forced through that Ministerial Training School that Jehovah Himself is holding open. Once I get disfellowshipped, it will be a whole year (not just half a year), and that is from reinstatement, before they can even begin the process. And they know it. I think that's why they haven't yet done it.