Well that last post is confusing to me.
I wish the nightmares would stop.
by Micky4321 32 Replies latest watchtower scandals
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GetOverIt
I had a weird dream that I was parked outside my childhood KH with my 18 year old daughter. All of the sudden I see Jesus and the horses coming down from the clouds and the clouds were in countdown formation 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... at six I run back into the KH so I can say goodbye to my three youngest children (7,9,4). I grab my 4 year old just as these demon like angels enter the KH. They stab my 4 year old and then stab me in the heart, but it doesn't pierce me. As I'm laying on the floor, they lean down and look at me and say, "huh, why are you alive? You don't have the mark? And I say something like Jehovah is saving me for something...I can't remember exactly what I said. but it was freaky.
I began to have so many dreams taht I started writing them down. I'll post the rest another day. I'm too lazy to get up and get my book.
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Bryan
Micky,
The last post, mine, is my literary interpretation of a dream I have had for decades. It involves being surrounded by demonds and stcuk in sleep paralasis. As Witnesses we are taught that if you shout God's name, you will be saved. I had a girlfriend watch me through the entire thing. She said I kept wispering "Jah". That's all I could get out because of the sleep paralasis. I finally woke up, as I always do, screaming "Jehovah". My heart is racing and I'm soaking wet.
Bryan
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Abandoned
I think that religion has really scarred me for life.
I don't have nightmares very often. At least not that I remember. I do live a nightmare though. I'm behind at everything. I'm behind socially. I've been married twice but now since being in that religion, I'm a total waste with women. If they want me to talk I'm silent. If they want me to wait, I'm pushing ahead. I don't get it becuase I'm an amazing listener, but for some reason I always hear the wrong information. And I know it's from being in that crappy organization because my two best friends from high school (none of us jw at the time) are both happily married to their first wives. We all did the same things together. We all dated different girls and had different heartbreaks and issues, but they are both still married to the women who they fell in love with and my first wife left a couple months after I started studying with the cult. I wouldn't have studied if I'd have known it was a cult.
I'm not jealous of my friends. I'm happy for them, but I don't understand why I"m so f***ing defective that I can't even get a late start on a decent relationship. And it doesn't matter what I do. If I go slow and wait on them, they get bored and take off. If I'm up front about how I feel, then I'm coming on too strong. It isn't just the typical stuff that all men go through. There is something defective in me that ALWAYS makes me to do the wrong thing in a situation. If one more person tells me to try and change my attitude, I'm going to deck them. It isn't my attitude. My attitude sucks because I've been emotionally and financially abused by a gigantic organization and as it stands now, the only thing I can do is move on. OH, and I can't even move on because some of the damage is apparently permanent. I can move on if I want to resign myself to the fact that I'm going to be by myself for the rest of my life.
That shouldn't be too hard. Being with someone isn't the end all, be all of human existence. But it is one of the aspects of living that I treasure and value the most. Having someone who gets you. Someone who is there when you're down and loves that you're there for them when they need it too. Someone to read my work and build me up. Someone who I can build up as well. I'm not wanting to just get. I'm willing to give too. I'm a very good communicator. I'm able to express myself sufficiently if not eloquently. I just don't get why I can't run into anything better than rejection.
So, yeah I'm bitter. Yeah, I'm in my pity pot. Yeah, I'm whining. But I'm not just whining. Check this out....
I know how to build a computer completely from scratch. I can install and secure novel and microsoft NT networks. I can administer both kinds of networks. I can install programs. I can do just about anything computer related there is to do if I put my mind to it, but I can't get a job in the computer industry. I was in the indujstry for eleven years, but I never became ceritified in anything but Novell (novel 4 for those who are curious) and without that or a degree, I'm just laughed at. Hmmm, I wonder why I didn't get a degree. Anyone care to take a guess.
So, why don't I go get certified? Why don't I go back to college? For the past year I've been working two eight dollar an hour jobs. I've had to work two because I have two hospitals, a couple credit card companies, and the IRS all breathing down my neck, grabbing my bank accounts when I open one and garnishing my wages. I can't solve any of these things because I can't even begin to get on my feet before something else comes in the mail informing me of the latest judgment or legal action.
I'm being pushed on all sides and I have no idea how to escape because on top of not having a degree or A1 certification or something, nobody paying a decent wage wants to hire me anyway when the see my credit score.
All my fault right? My decisions, so it's my fault. Well, do you know where this started. In '98 I was making forty-five thou a year. Not bad for a self-trained computer guru, but I wasn't just trained in computers. I was also trained on serving god according to the watchtower society. Even though I'd been inactive since '92 and hadn't even seen a watchtower, awake, or even a tract in the intervening years, I still felt the guilt from letting god down. How could I enjoy this nice paying job, living just off the beach in beautiful Dana Point, California, and driving around in a brand new car without giving a thank you to the big guy?
So, told him thank you and promised him I'd go back to the kingdom hall. I did, two weeks later, to the day, my wife was refused entry into the united states, had her visa ripped up in front of us, and had her application for citizenship canceled. Coincidence? Maybe. The brothers told me that I was being tested by satan and that jehovah would bless me. If by bless me, they meant cut my salary in half while expecting me to donate money for the world wide work, then they were right. Because in less then six months from my wife getting kicked out of the states, I went from making forty-five thou a year to just over tweny thou a year with the added bonus that I had a two hundred mile round trip drive if I wanted to see my wife. Obviously that couldn't go on forever. So, I move down to Tijuana to be where my wife is and commute the two hundred mile round trip drive to work. Yeah, I should have looked for a job a little closer, but besides not having a home or a phone number to use for looking for a local job, I was also suffering pretty severe depression from all the emotional turmoil my returning to jehovah brought into my life.
So, could it get worse? Do you consider having to go outside to take a crap or a pee worse? Do you consider no running water inside the house worse? Do you consider taking a bath using water heated up on the stove and pouring over yourself with a bowl worse? Nah, it was OK. I loved living in Mexico. But, even with those conditions, it was able to get worse. On January 26th my wife and I woke up and had a doozy of an argument. I finally left to go and change the oil in the car. I didn't tell her waht I was doing because of the argument and when I came back a couple hours later, I ran into her and her family unloading our apartment. Incidentally, that was only our second argument. The first happened in my little apartment in Dana Point about five years earlier. The previous time, I apologized and bought her some flowers. This time, I didn't think I was in the wrong and I didn't think it was right that she was just taking everything and leaving. So, I told her that if she was leaving then I was too. I was going back home to Minnesota. And I did. I've seen her one time since.
But what I failed to mention above is that during that five year period where I was living in Mexico, commuting two hundred miles round trip to work, supporting my wife, two of her kids and her mom, and trying to maintain a modicum of sanity in a country that for the most part hated me just because I came from the "rich" USA, I wasn't paying any income tax. Work considered me a conslultant. I tried to get my wife a TIN so I could claim her but for some reason it was denied. I don't know if was because they kicked her out of the country or what. But, here I am, paying for people I can't claim on one half the money I was used to while driving forever to get to and from work, I just didn't pay any taxes. And to make everything even more interesting, when I left Mexico that crisp January afternoon in 2004, I left behind the box that had all my receipts.
All the above happened based on my decisions. But so much of what happened had it's roots in my getting involved in that dysfunctional religion.
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R.Crusoe
The religion has your inner peace in conflict. The inner peace that comes from families whohelp each other and respect each other and look out for each others feelings and general sense of well being. JWs are guilt armies. They win wars and overthrow families by a vast arsenal of guilt missiles and cluster bombs so you hide away inside yourself whilst they watch for when you come out. It is best if you imagine yourself asan armoured vehicle with its own armoury to fend off any who attempt to change the lovely loving person that you already are and that they should respect and be happy to have your company, rather than ever allow them to blow it apart and be taken in as their prisoner of war. Sleep inside the forcefield of your own armour plated heart and remember how beautiful you are to the cosmos which has its life force in you already. Any who value you already are speakers of truth - not those who push you into conflict with yourself. I have been in similar places. I have no respect for JW authority. They lied about who they are. They lie about what they try to do. They lie about love. They lie about many things. They even got me to lie to myself!! Be true to yourself!
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Micky4321
<<The last post, mine, is my literary interpretation of a dream I have had for decades. It involves being surrounded by demonds and stcuk in sleep paralasis. As Witnesses we are taught that if you shout God's name, you will be saved. I had a girlfriend watch me through the entire thing. She said I kept wispering "Jah". That's all I could get out because of the sleep paralasis. I finally woke up, as I always do, screaming "Jehovah". My heart is racing and I'm soaking wet.>>
That's what I thought it was about I didn't want to assume. Some of the wording I wasn't sure. And I have had these type of dreams also. Not very often though. I had my first ones when I was in my early 20's, I'm 37 now. The first time I had them it only lasted for about 3 or 4 days every day. What I experienced was fading off to sleep in the morning after already waking up. Then starting to wake up and feeling like something was crawling into bed with me and holding me down and I could not move or scream like you say in your dreams.
I got very angry at this after it happend for many days in a row and would say Jehovah when I would finally wake up. I actually could tell I was dreaming in my mind and would shake my head to wake myself up. It kept happening for several days and it got to the point where I was not scared anymore and just plain angry. When it happened to me way back then the final time I woke up totally and yelled out knock it off leave me alone, it stopped happening to me for a long time.
I didn't know what it was at the time but with the JW religion I thought I was being attacked but then as I thought about it rationally I thought maybe it was my fears about that and the fact that I got angry and was able to just yell out and scream saying stop this that I was able to confront my fears and that's why it stopped.
It's happened since then off and on but rarely. I've even upon waking have seen things standing in my room like spirits or something. I'm not convinced about it all being Satan. I think it's all in my mind. But I do have to say the subject is interesting if there really is something like that out there. I keep an open mind in all of that. JW's seem to believe any spirit is evil and demons or satan. I think it's possible that people pass on and there spirits are still here sometimes. I don't know I just don't claim to have all the answers.
But I have definately heard about the sleep paralysis thing. From my understanding it's when we just are waking up so we are still in a dream state but partially awake so we can see things that are not there.
Another interesting fact about it is people who are Schizophrenic and see things thatt aren't there basically see things while they are awake just like someone who is dreaming when they are asleep would see.
I've researched this subject.
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R.Crusoe
From being small I used to have fears of the dark and horror films, dracula etc from being left alone at nights and as an adult would still get heart flutters through noises or whatever in darkness when alone. But now I will stand in any dark place,, cellar or whatever and be quite intrigued if a demon or spirit or satan or jesus or other religious diety appeared in the same way I would if thor or horus appeared in my dark cellar. I have replaced all divine imagery in my psyche with the same memory as that which I have of Egyptian/ Greek ideas of gods. If they appeared I would ask why they were there and what they wanted and if they had come to kill me forever would tell them directly to do as they must, for I am confused by why I am here as a human if I am not to behave as one. I aim to harm no one and any harm I have already caused is on the basis of my own turmoil and conflict religion and other people place upon me in their expectations of me that I cannot live up to. I rea;ise I have wasted too much life not doing things my own way! And I am so convinced the same has occured to so many sincere souls that I advocate avoiding religious doctrine and learning what atheism and humanitarianism and even Wicca has to say rather than being a slave to another humans idea of how you should live your life. I hope you get to the point where you can lie alone completely at ease and at peace with the cosmos every night of your life.
Wicca by the way talks of spirits and spells but I have zero belief of them and would look with interest on those saying they saw spirits completely free of fear - science has taught me how to view all unexplainable things in the world - with observation and repeated experiment to understand without any emotional involvement. I mention Wicca because I think I like its people a lot - it is the one which advocates a harm none ideology which is what is in my soul - I have looked at it but feel I may be more in tune with atheism though the spirit of wicca. I'm a sort of wiccan atheist which is a contradiction but I really don't care what others think because I'm bound to look at things which I find of interest and educational and involve lovely people - that's my boundary. I am vengeance free as far as I can tell. It's the organisations which I see harming others I would actively steer people clear of! I think many people have been hard wired to them, sadly. My mind does not care if it lives or dies tomorrow or whether God exists or does not. I know life exists and will go on. I am here then I am gone. I do not mind!
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monophonic
i used to have nightmares, i've been out for almost 9 years, and i still dream about the KH all the time and going to assemblies, but now it usually turns in to a concert and i'm always, damn, i can't believe the society (oops, can't use that word), the cult booked the Ramones for their assembly....or i end up having sex with someone.
my dream assemblies are pretty awesome and i'd totally go back if they were monophonic assemblies, where no talks are given, girls get naked and great bands play.
in jesus name, amen.
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Tired of the Hypocrisy
True story:
My wife was raised in it and is still "in" even tho because of illness is unable to attend. One fo her fantasies involved having all kinds of sex on the stage at a ca or da, in front of the crowd! She dreams of it now and then.....
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Witness 007
You've got mild Post-trumatic stress syndrome...I often dream I have my old job back which I HATED. {have a good job now} the dream is so real and I wake up very distressed thinking I have my old live back.