My wife gets mad because I answer simple questions simply. It's like I should have an entire soliloquy prepared for her entertainment. This usually leaves me frustrated because I can't possibly imagine how she would like me to respond to such a simple question. I usually end the verbal exchange with "Next time, why don't you just write down what you want me to say in response to your question on a 3x5 notecard, and I'll read it. You'll be happy with my response, and I'll be happy because I won't be in trouble for giving the wrong answer. It will save us so much time!"
My wife, on the other hand, responds to simple questions with off the wall emotional tirades. It's bizarre. I can ask "Honey, where do you want to eat tonight?" And she'll say something like, "So, are you trying to say that I'm getting fat?" At that point, my brain detaches itself from my spinal cord and tries to squeeze itself out of my earhole and escape before the logic train squishes it on the tracks of rational thought like an old penny. Before continuing such a conversation, I have to ask myself the all-important question: Can my body..... withstand..... the amount of pot...... I would have to smoke..... to make this conversation make sense from this point forward?? And usually, the answer is no. At this point, I usually tune out and think about naked chicks until she's done yelling at me.
Sometimes I wonder if we speak the same language. If I ever win the lottery, I will make it my life's work to compile a man-to-woman English dictionary. I will no doubtedly win a Nobel Peace Prize for bringing peace and understanding to men and women all over the world.