I'm new here and am hoping to get some support and become normal again. I'm going to tell my story below, sorry in advance for how long it is, but I've really gotta get a grip on who I am now and what I need to do. My biggest dilemma now is should I write a DA letter? Or should I just continue on not going to meetings? To me, it's a huge dilemma since if I write the letter, they will talk badly about me. If I continue to only not go to meetings, I run the risk of them knocking on my door. I really don't want anything to do with them at this point, but if someone could help me decide to write that letter or not, I would be so greatful! Here's my story: In 2001, my ex-husband invited me to attend the service for my daughter's first communion at his Lutheran church. Even though I had decided seven years earlier to not ever go to that church again, I went for my daughter's sake. During the service, I didn't understand how that church had changed so dramatically since I had been there last and didn't understand or like what they were saying. That had been my first step toward my journey to search for a new church. Afterwards, for several weeks, I had visited different churches of different denominations in my area. Eventually, I found a KH in my own town. Since I had never been to one, nor was I familiar with their beliefs, I decided to attend a service. Naturally, I was treated very kindly and offered a bible study which I accepted. How could someone not accept a free bible study which involved staying in the comfort of your own home while they came to you? I loved what I was learning and it all made perfect sense to me (at the time). Ten months later, I got baptized. Before getting baptized, the people at the KH were friendly, apparently interested in my spirituality and my children's spirituality, helpful and kind. Every time I went to a meeting, they all seemed to hover around us and took a great interest in us. The first meeting I had attended after my baptism left me confused and hurt. No one even congratulated me on my baptism and it seemed as though all of a sudden I was ignored. There was no flocking to me upon my arrival at a meeting to chit chat, nor a simple hello. I should have known something was wrong immediately, but when I talked with my friend, she said I was being overly sensitive although if I had a husband, they wouldn't ignore me. Since before my baptism and for four years, my children and I attended every meeting. It was very stressful for me since I'm a single mom and struggled to get the children prepared (study) and dressed for meetings. It was also stressful financially since my children were growing quickly and several times a year I struggled to get new meeting clothes for them since they were outgrowing their old clothes. Then, I began a relationship with a man there. He was raised a JW and I was elated to have finally found a mate. NOT! He and I saw each other for about six months. For the duration of about five months, he refused to sit with me and my children at any meeting. He acted like he and I weren't involved while at the KH. When I was at his house one time, he needed help with his computer. While I was "fixing" it, I came across pictures of children on it. Being a law abiding citizen, I burned a copy, told the elders and then went to the police. The elders told me that they couldn't even talk with him about it since there were no other witnesses to it. Like, hello, he's a pervert and looking at naked children! The elders did, in fact, take action however. They publicly reproved both of us. Afterwards, we both attended every meeting without missing one until four months later, he got his privileges restored. That made me angry and my friend again advised me that it was because he was a man and I wasn't. So, I quickly got discouraged, started missing meetings and stopped altogether about five months after he got his privileges back. I mostly was starting to come to my senses because none of the elders, or anyone else, had called me on the phone nor had visited me while they were out in service. Remembering all they had preached, I felt angry because they were not reaching out to help me. They all talked about how they should help those who are weak and inactive and not attending meetings, but actions spoke louder than words in my case. I waited on my porch every Saturday morning for months hoping they would come. I prayed to Jehovah for them to come talk to me. No one ever came. It's now been about a year and half since I've attended a meeting. The elders did eventually come two times. The last time they came was in September last year. They promised that since I was unable to attend meetings because of my injured hip, they would make arrangements with their wives to pick my children up for meetings. I'm still waiting. Their ignorance has caused me to reconsider everything I was taught. Now, here I am, confused as ever about my spiritual beliefs. I feel like I don't know what I believe anymore since they have shown me what is the truth. What really gets me is that I thought my one friend was really my friend, but she isn't either because all she was interested in was using me to count time. She visited me about two weeks ago. She called me and said she just picked up a pizza and she just arrived at my house. So, I told her to come in. When I saw her get out of her car, she went to her back seat, rummaged around a bit, closed the door and shocked me when she was coming toward me with no pizza but a handful of magazines! She came in, chit chatted for about five minutes, then started harping on why my children need to go to meetings and how I'm hurting them and that they don't need to go to college because armageddon is coming so soon. OMG, give me a break! She's been saying that for the past seven years. Like, am I stupid enough to believe that? So, she visited for about an hour, then left. I haven't heard from her since. Anyway, I need support in my transition from being one of them back to who I was before being brainwashed by them. I feel so sad that I've ignored my children's birthdays for half their life. I also feel sad that they weren't allowed to join the band or choir at school because they would have to play holiday music. Those two are only a couple of reasons for feeling sad regarding my children. There are so many other reasons. If anyone could help me move on with my life so that I could feel normal again, please, help me. Thanks! Mia
Should I DA myself?
by OMG! Now What? 36 Replies latest jw experiences
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Gopher
Welcome to the JWD Forum! You've found a good home here, with people who can understand.
You have seen clearly that the JW's are a selfish boys' club, and there's nothing special there. Your experience with love-bombing, followed by a cooling off once you're in, has been repeated over and over in many congregations around the world. With friends like those, who needs enemies -- as the saying goes.
Many people fade and don't DA themselves (like you have been doing) because of a desire to maintain some relationship with friends or family inside. Since you don't seem to have family in the JW's, are those friends worth maintaining? It's your decision. You seem to understand that their friendship is conditional based on how they view your attitude toward the organization.
You say the elders have managed to come around twice in a year and a half, so it sounds like you're dropping off their radar. So maybe the fadeout is working.
I was DF'd (and not that it matters, but I didn't deserve to be) -- and I know that I was the subject of rumors and gossip for a while. But I decided I didn't care what a lot of insecure and misled people across town said or thought about me. I had to build up new friends and family, and it was worth it to me.
I wish you the best in your decision, and encourage you to continue to come to this site as long as you need to. There's a lot of good people who will listen and are willing to provide input (or just have fun) here.
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bigdreaux
sounds like you've done a successful fade. i'd let it go. you have no reason to further contact them.
as far as moving on and getting a normal life,there is no magic bullet or phrase that can help. stick around, get to know some of the people here, and over time, it gets better. i promise.
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momzcrazy
Hello and welcome to the board. You didn't say if your extended family are witnesses. If not, then you can go ahead and DA yourself without fear of losing contact with them. That is why many here have chosen to just stop going to meetings, or to "fade". They are still able to have contact with JW family who would shun them if they DA'd themselves. My mother and mother-in-law are the only JW's left in my family. My mil wasn't happy with my decision to leave, even made little side comments how it is too bad my kids and I won't see resurrected family members. BUT she is still talking to me and the kids. My husband left 8 yrs ago, a successful fader. Well my mom started shunning me right away, before I DA'd myself. So when the elders called I decided to send in my letter to avoid anymore calls.
Also, about them talking bad about you, they probably already are since you have been MIA for a while.
Good luck on your decision!
momzcrazy
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SnakesInTheTower
welcome OMGNW?
Dont bother with the DA...you are just playing their game and making it easy for them. I understand the desire to just cut the ties.... and if it makes you happy, then DA. Do what makes you and the kids happy, not a bunch of loser elders. Just stay inactive and who cares if they call you. You can choose to talk to them or not talk to them. You are a grown adult.
BTW....what happened to the "brother" who had the kiddie porn on his computer? You said he got a slap on the wrist from the elders. DID THE POLICE DO ANYTHING?
Snakes ()
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myababes
HI Mia
Your account brought tears to my eyes I couldn't beleive what I was Reading. the unfortunate thing is that this is something that you changed your whole life to be a part of and to be treat like that is despicable.
I would say there a several issues to adress before DA yourself. The first is do you have any other relatives in the organization or is it just you? that has a great bearing on whether you want to maintain a relationship with someone. if not then you have nothing to loose by writing the letter but think carefully first.
tThe second is the issue with the Pervert. Did you ever contact the police especially if he is still in good standing? I presume you are not still with him. how come you both got reproved when he was the nasty piece of work. If you still have the proof, now you are not attending there is nothing to stop you from reporting your suspicion if just to protect those poor little children trapped in there.
Thirdly you sound like a very spiritual person and seeking something. don't worry re the children they are very resiliant. Spend the time now with them celebrating all that is good with their lives and be content with believing in God in the comfort of your own home rather than loking for a structured way in which to do it as part of an organised body.
Take care
Mya babes
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OMG! Now What?
Wow, you all are so great! Thanks for your quick replies. Everything you said so far is already making me feel better. Just the thought of the DA letter overburdens my mind and causes great confusion, so for now, I think I'm just going to continue to be a "fader". Maybe that will change soon, but I need to heal a little more first. Even though it's been 1.5 years, it's still not enough time for me to heal.
None of my family is a JW. I had given up all my worldly friends when I became a JW. It made me sad, but I was so brainwashed that it didn't hurt as much as it hurts now.
About the perv, I need to clarify something. He did NOT get a slap on the wrist about the porn. We were reproved for other reasons. He was never talked to by the elders about it. I had gone to the police and gave them the burned CD with the stuff on it. I never followed up with them, however, they did do something since I was contacted several times by the computer crime lab in my state capital. I don't know if they took any action though, but at least I know I have a clear conscience about it since I did report him properly and immediately. Obviously, it's OK for a man JW to be caught with something illegal and get away with it.
Oh, and I've gotten past the sister/brother calling. If I was truly their sister, they would have helped me. My own brothers and sister helped me and I refuse to call a JW my brother or sister any more. They don't deserve it.
One more thing...yes I've been MIA for a while now, however, that's actually my real name. How ironic, eh? :)
Mia
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llbh
Hi OMG Welcome,
I am a fader like you faded 7-8 years . I did not da myself because my and daughter are both JW's
I also did not want to plat the game on wts terms. i want people as my friends irrespective of their beliefs .
It is hard initially but for me it became easier the longer i was away.
Enjoy you children and family.
Regards llbh
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Maddie
Welcome to JWD OMGNW - I have had to face this problem too and have active JW family so its not an easy one. As some have said - if you haven't family to worry about then its a choice between playing by their rules or not.
It might be a good idea to do some research into the history and doctrines of the WT to help you realise that they haven't got the "Truth" but are a cult. It was suggested to me and it helps to clear your mind of guilt about leaving them.
Maddie
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chickpea
so many of your regrets echo what i am dealing with..... my oldest was 4 when i brought this cult into our family and slaved for it for 14 yrs ( been fading for 3)...... he is now 22 and a real mess...... and so much of it linked to the borg
DA letter? why bother..... evidently their interest in you is as equally faded as your belief in their propaganda....
godspeed and prosper your journey!