I am, and always have been, a happy person. I am known for having a positive attitude no matter what drama or trauma I am dealing with at the time.
I think a lot of that comes from my grandmother. She taught me to love and appreciate nature. We walked in the woods for hours as she taught me to listen to the different birds, name the trees and wild flowers, and cross the creek on smooth stones that were barely exposed rising from the bubbling creek.
She braided my hair, as she whispered in my ear that it looked like “spun gold”. It was long enough to sit on and we giggled about the princess in the tower, Rapunzel. We hid from Santa’s elves and we painted flowerpots with raspberry pink and a most heavenly periwinkle.
She protected me from my dad, who didn’t seem to even consider the idea that it was his job to protect me. When I was 32 years old and had just disassociated myself from the JW’s, I began to have flashbacks of my grandmother, my hero molesting me.
My dad and I would look things up in the World Book Encyclopedias on a very rare, good day. I thought my dad knew everything and I could tell that he was happy that I thrived on knowledge for knowledge’s sake. I presented my first report card with a flourish. As he slowly looked it over, my “stupid bitch teacher” enraged him. She had written the last sentence, singing my praises, under the bottom line of the box for that grading period. He tore it into pieces and threw it in the air like confetti.
My mom was the stereotypical battered wife of the ‘60’s. My domineering grandmother had been replaced, although not without a battle, by my father’s dictatorship. My mom directed me to tell my teacher that my report card had been accidentally tossed into the fireplace with some old newspaper. As an adult I empathize with her suicide attempts. My dad tried to help by stabbing her with a butcher knife when she was pregnant with my baby brother.
I learned a lot from the adults in my life, as we all did. Going on nature hikes and being pulled on a sled over a mile to the mailbox by my grandmother taught me that there is so much to enjoy all around me, all I have to do is go outside. I learned that there is a whole other world that I can escape to and learn about from my father; all I have to do is pick up a book. My mom taught me what I didn’t want out of life. From my first grade teacher I learned it feels good to tell the truth. All of them taught me how to be happy.
This board has really helped me to heal from the cult and move on. I have my moments but I am still a happy person. The thing I’ve been wondering lately is: Am I happy because I am in denial or because I really have the ability to shake it off and move on?
I was really a mess as a teen-ager and young adult. I began my Bible study when I was 21 and it seemed like the answer to all my prayers. I think it helped me heal from childhood trauma because for the first time I felt like I was just as important to God as anyone else. That gave me a new level of self-esteem that I had never experienced. I began to believe that I was a good person.
Over the years that changed drastically. My initial progress was impressive but then I realized that I could never do as much as was expected of me. After 10 years I disassociated myself because of the stress and guilt. I became a bit self-destructive and always felt guilty for trying to live without Jehovah in my life. It was the worst period of my life. I went back and got reinstated after 11years. That was 6 years ago. It never felt right. I was constantly trying to convince myself that this really was the truth even though now I could clearly see that it couldn’t be.
I found out about the U.N., Silent Lambs, Malawi/Mexico and changing blood doctrine within a few days of searching the internet. I also found this board. I feel like I’ve gone through the 5 stages of grief and I am able to move on. I don’t want to waste another precious moment of my life letting them control me. I don’t want them to win.
But have I moved on? Am I in denial still? The reason I ask is because it doesn’t seem normal to be able to just let go and be happy. I feel like others are still dealing with baggage that I think I’ve let go of. Is it really this easy or is something seriously wrong with me to be able to move on so quickly and be happy? Am I going to realize later that I skipped some crucial steps in healing and I’m actually behind in recovery? Am I in denial?
I am sorry I have rambled so and this is so long. If you did make it to the end please tell me what you think. Is it possible to just walk away and not look back?